iEx  Sltbrta 


SEYMOUR    DURST 


"t '  'Fort  txUmw    ^4rn/le.rcla*n,  oj>  Je  Matihatans 


(NEW   YORK)  ,      1651 


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SOCIAL 

ETIQUETTE 

OF   NEW    YORK. 


"  Custom  forms  us  all : 
Our  thoughts,  our  morals,  our  most  fixed  beliefs, 
Are  consequences  of  our  place  of  birth." 

Aaron  Hill. 

"  Man  yields  to  custom,  as  he  bows  to  fate ; 
In  all  things  ruled — mind,  body,  and  estate." 

George  Crabbe. 

"There  are  not  unfrequently  substantial  reasons  underneath  for  cus- 
toms that  appear  to  be  absurd." 

Charlotte  BrontE. 


NEW  AND  ENLARGED  EDITION. 


NEW   YORK: 
D.    APPLETON    AND    COMPANY, 

I,    3,    AND    5    BOND   STREET. 
1884. 


COPYRIGHT   BY 

D.    APPLETON    AND    COMPANY. 

1878. 


CONTENTS. 

PAGE 

CHAPTER    I. 
The  Value  of  Etiquette 7 

CHAPTER    II. 
Introductions 15 

CHAPTER   III. 
Salutations 21 

CHAPTER   IV. 
Strangers  in  Town 31 

CHAPTER   V. 
Debuts  in  Society 37 

CHAPTER  VI. 

Visiting,  and  Visiting  Cards  for  Ladies       .         47 

CHAPTER  VII. 

Cards  and  Visiting  Customs  for  Gentlemen      .     59 

CHAPTER  VIII. 
Morning  Receptions  and  Kettle-Drums        .         69 

CHAPTER   IX. 
Giving  and  attending  Parties,  Balls,  and  Ger- 
mans   80 


4  CONTE.\  TS. 

PAGE 

CHAPTER   X. 
Dinner-Giving  and  Dining  out         ...         92 

CHAPTER   XI. 

Breakfasts,  Luncheons,  and  Suppers  .        .        .110 

CHAPTER   XII. 

Opera  and  Theatre  Parties,  Private  Theatri- 
cals, AND   MUSICALES Iig 

CHAPTER   XIII. 
Etiquette  of  Weddings 126 

CHAPTER   XIV. 
Christenings  and  Birthdays      ....       153 

CHAPTER   XV. 
Marriage  Anniversaries 163 

CHAPTER   XVI. 
Extended  Visits 171 

CHAPTER   XVII. 

Customs  and  Costumes  at  Theatres,  Concerts, 
and  Operas 1S1 

CHAPTER   XVIII. 
-Day  in  New  York         .        .       .       187 

CHAPTER   XIX. 
Fi  m  r  m  f  Mourning     .  i<)7 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE  IN  NEW  YORK. 


INTRODUCTION. 

In  response  to  numerous  and  constant  ap- 
plications from  all  parts  of  the  country  for 
information  regarding  social  forms  and  usages 
in  New  York,  the  author  has  prepared  a  series 
of  articles,  in  which  special  pains  have  been 
taken  to  make  them  represent  faithfully  and 
accurately  existing  customs  in  New  York  so- 
ciety, in  distinction  from  the  many  manuals  on 
the  subject  that  have  simply  reproduced  the 
codes  of  Paris  and  London.  These  foreign 
exemplars  may  have  sufficed  for  all  practi- 
cal purposes  years  ago,  when  both  town  and 
country  were  in  a  more  rudimental  stage  of 
development ;  but  they  are  now  clearly  useless, 
when  society  has  acquired  a  certain  definite 
character,  and  New  York  is  a  law  unto  itself  in 


6  SOCIAL   ETIQUETTE. 

the  same  way,  if  not  in  the  same  degree,  as  the 
great  capitals  of  Europe.  There  is  still  a  con- 
siderable variation  of  usage  in  circles  ranking 
themselves  as  "our  best  society/'  and  no  per- 
son not  thoroughly  conversant  with  the  grada- 
tions could  draw  the  line  between  the  living 
law,  which  is  to  remain  and  grow  with  the 
city's  growth,  and  the  obsolete  traditions,  which 
only  linger  through  their  own  inertia  and  the  in- 
capacity of  their  devotees  to  adapt  themselves  to 
the  larger  present  conditions  of  social  develop- 
ment. The  author  of  this  manual  has  not  at- 
tempted to  modify  or  to  improve  upon  existing 
forms,  or  to  question  either  the  taste  or  the 
propriety  of  our  fixed  usages,  but  to  furnish  a 
report  or  a  description  of  our  customs  as  taught 
and  practised  by  the  superior  families  of  New 
York  city. 


THE    VALUE    OF    ETIQUETTE. 

To  enter  a  social  circle  without  being  famil- 
iar with  its  customs  and  its  best  usages  is  like 
attempting  to  dance  a  quadrille  without  know- 
ing its  forms.  It  is  claimed  that  kindliness  of 
heart  and  gentleness  of  manners  will  make  rude- 
ness impossible.  This  is  very  true,  but  the  finest 
and  the  sweetest  of  impulses,  combined,  fail  to 
produce  graceful  habits  or  prevent  painful  awk- 
wardness. An  intimate  acquaintance  with  the 
refined  customs  and  highest  tones  of  society- 
insures  harmony  in  its  conduct,  while  igno- 
rance of  them  inevitably  produces  discords 
and  confusion.  Fortunate  are  those  who  were 
born  in  an  atmosphere  of  intelligent  refine- 
ment, because  mistakes  to  them  are  almost 
impossible.  They  know  no  other  way  than  the 
right  one  in  the  management  of  their  social 
affairs. 


8  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

As  to  the  unfortunates  who  have  been  reared 
at  remote  distances  from  the  centres  of  civiliza- 
tion, there  is  nothing  left  for  them  to  do  but  to 
make  a  careful  study  of  unquestionable  authority 
in  those  matters  of  etiquette  which  prevail  among 
the  most  refined  people.  High  breeding  may  be 
imitated,  and  a  gentle  courtesy  of  manner  may  be 
acquired  through  the  same  processes  by  which 
other  accomplishment  is  perfected.  Even  a  dis- 
agreeable duty  may  be  so  beautified  by  gracious- 
ness  that  it  will  appear  almost  as  if  it  were  a 
compliment.  Elegant  manners  should  not  be 
considered  beneath  the  attention  of  any  man  or 
any  woman.  They  will  carry  a  stranger  farther 
up  the  heights  of  social  ambition  than  money, 
mental  culture,  or  personal  beauty.  Combine 
elegance  of  manner  with  thoughtfulness  and  any 
other  of  the  three  powers,  and  the  world  is  van- 
quished. 

Etiquette  is  the  machinery  of  society.  It 
polishes  and  protects  even  while  conducting  its 
charge.  It  prevents  the  agony  of  uncertainty, 
and  soothes  even  when  it  cannot  cure  the  pains 
of  blushing  bashfulness.     If  one  is  certain  of 


THE    VALUE   OF  ETIQUETTE.  9 

being  correct,  there  is  little  to  be  anxious  about. 
Etiquette  may  be  despotic,  but  its  cruelty  is  in- 
spired by  intelligent  kindliness.  It  is  like  a  wall 
built  up  around  us  to  protect  us  from  disagree- 
able, underbred  people,  who  refuse  to  take  the 
trouble  to  be  civil.  Those  who  defy  the  rules 
of  the  best  society,  and  claim  to  be  superior  to 
them,  are  always  coarse  in  their  moral  fibre, 
however  strong  they  may  be  intellectually. 

Different  civilized  nations  have  provided  for 
themselves  sets  of  rules  which  have  been  estab- 
lished slowly,  carefully,  and  firmly,  to  suit  their 
peculiar  sentiments  and  requirements.  These 
codes  serve  as  a  music  that  is  felt,  when  not 
heard,  and  communities  walk  by  it  in  beautiful 
harmony  and  ease.  Etiquette  once  having  be- 
come a  fixed  habit,  ceases  to  be  that  dreadful 
thing  which  the  too  free  American  abhors.  It 
is  a  steadfast  friend,  a  sure  guide,  and  an  armor 
against  which  malicious  arrows  may  fly  without 
leaving  a  mark.  There  is  no  greater  mistake 
than  to  suppose  that  etiquette  must  of  necessity 
be  a  cold  formality.  The  warmth  or  chill  of 
one's  conduct  is  regulated  by  private  sentiment, 


10  SOCIAL   ETIQUETTE, 

and  a  kindliness  is  always  all  the  more  beautiful 
if  it  is  gracefully  and  appropriately  extended. 

Possibly  those  vagrants  who  scorn  etiquette, 
and  refuse  to  take  the  white  high-road  of  a  re- 
fined civilization,  do  not  possess  those  necessary 
aptitudes  for  imitation  which  are  requisite  for 
the  easy  acquirement  of  customs  and  formalities 
which  by  birth  are  alien  to  them.  Sneering  is 
not  infrequently  a  thin  and  foolish  veil  by  which 
they  endeavor  to  hide  their  lack  of  birth  and 
breeding.  If  such  undisciplined  persons  would 
only  submit  to  custom,  and  use  their  best  powers 
of  adaptation,  they  would  soon  discover  that 
formality  is  as  easy  as  a  tune  that  sings  itself  in 
one's  thought  without  a  sound  being  heard. 

The  slight  and  agreeable  variations  which  are 
often  made  in  the  forms  and  usages  of  well-bred 
people  in  their  intercourse  with  the  world  may 
be  compared  to  the  different  parts  of  that  same 
melody.  Courtesy  is  inherited  only  by  Nature's 
favorites,  and  brusqucric,  through  the  "  irony  of 
fate,"  is  often  the  unfortunate  natural  expression 
of  tendeiest  souls;  but  inheritances  may  be  es- 

►ed   by  the  will,  just   as  a  club-foot  may  be 


1 


THE    VALUE    OF  ETIQUETTE.  \\ 

made  straight  if  taken  in  season  and  persistently 
righted.  A  courteous  person,  with  a  natural 
misfortune  of  form  or  features,  may  become  the 
most  delightful  of  society's  favorites,  if  winning 
charms  of  manner  are  acquired  and  practiced. 
Etiquette  can  no  more  justly  be  called  coldness, 
than  vulgar,  loud  and  gushing  warmth  can  be 
considered  attractive  or  elegant. 

Individual  tendencies  guide  us  in  the  con- 
duct of  our  lives,  but  they  are  not  trustworthy 
instructors  in  the  prevailing  and  most  acceptable 
etiquette  for  arranging  our  relations  with  our 
friends  and  acquaintances,  or  of  entertaining  our 
guests. 

From  the  unsettled  state  of  sentiment  and 
opinion  which  prevailed  among  us  a  few  years 
ago,  fortunately  we  are  mostly  emancipated. 
We  may,  and  doubtless  did,  appear  "  grotesquely 
raw,"  as  our  English  critic  declared,  and  tres 
drole,  according  to  the  better-bred  Parisian  visit- 
or, and  very  likely  neither  of  these  sharers  of  our 
too  abundant  hospitalities  will  approve  of  our 
present  style  of  conducting  our  social  affairs 
whenever  and  wherever  these  points  shall  differ 


12  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

from  their  own  established  formalities;  but  that 
matters  nothing  to  us.  We  possess  an  undeni- 
able right  to  ordain  a  social  code  of  our  own, 
and  we  confess  frankly  and  thankfully  that  we 
have  imitated  whatever  we  have  considered 
wisest  and  pleasantest  in  the  habits  of  French, 
English,  and  other  nations.  As  the  formality  of 
social  matters  in  France  is  less  heavy  and  more 
graceful  than  it  is  in  England,  New  York,  which 
is  admitted  to  be  the  metropolitan  city  of  Amer- 
ica, has  discreetly  chosen  its  customs  largely 
from  the  former,  modifying  and  adapting  them 
to  accord  with  our  national  conditions. 

Everything  which  refines  the  habits  of  a 
people  ennobles  it,  and  hence  the  importance  of 
furnishing  to  the  public  all  possible  aids  to  supe- 
rior manners. 

Even  frugality  itself  has  its  beautiful  methods 
of  being  elegant  and  hospitable,  and  no  one 
need  be  less  attractive  in  his  courtesies  because 
he  happens  not  to  be  rich.  Delicate  attentions 
and  the  charms  of  a  superior  manner  will  compel 
a  simple  entertainment  to  seem  like  a  royal  ban- 
quet, and  lend  to  a  modest  house  a  smile  of  fas 


THE    VALUE   OF  ETIQUETTE.  13 

cinating  beauty.  The  charm  of  this  achieve- 
ment lies  in  the  art  of  receiving  and  entertain- 
ing ;  and  a  cordial  courtesy  which  is  not  oppres- 
sive, but  which  sits  lightly  upon  both  giver  and 
receiver,  is  the  perfection  of  hospitality.  The 
costliest  banquetings  are  unacceptable  to  the 
highly-bred  gentleman  or  lady  if  their  appoint- 
ments be  wanting  in  good  taste,  and  their  con- 
duct be  awkward. 

Awkwardness  is  the  twin-brother  of  embar- 
rassment, and  they  are  never  separated. 

A  delicate,  prompt,  and  appropriate  courtesy 
is  superior  to  an  untimely  honor.  None  but  the 
thoughtless  or  the  vulgar  (and  to  be  thoughtless 
is  to  be  vulgar,  some  wise  man  insists,)  indulge  in 
excesses  of  any  kind.  The  numbers  of  the  in- 
vited guests,  and  the  quantity  and  quality  of 
their  feastings,  are  subjects  for  nice  considera- 
tion, and  the  condition  of  the  public  mind  and 
also  the  public  purse  will  go  far  toward  measur- 
ing out  the  grade  of  a  banquet,  and  controlling 
the  quality  of  an  entertainment.  Courteous  hosta 
will  never  violate  a  public  sentiment  in  then 
pleasures.     It  is  quite  enough  of  moral  combat 


14  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

to  trample  down  prejudice  and  wrong.  If  the 
community  be  sorrowful  or  depressed,  no  well- 
bred  individual  will  make  a  parade  of  rejoicing. 
If  financial  anxieties  weary  and  worry  the  mass- 
es, fortunate  individuals,  with  delicate  sentiments 
or  refined  feelings,  express  no  social  rejoicings. 
No  feasts  and  no  festivities  will  be  given  in  the 
presence  of  neighboring  poverty  or  distress. 

This  influencing  sentiment  of  common  sym- 
pathy was  born  and  nourished  by  republicanism. 
Free  as  we  are  in  all  our  opinions,  and  also  in 
the  expression  of  them,  a  common  brotherhood 
clasps  our  hearts  closely,  and  a  common  formula 
of  courtesies,  which  is  known  as  our  own  social 
etiquette,  should  be  the  thoroughly  understood 
method  of  communicating  our  regard  for  each 
other.  While  this  etiquette  becomes  gentle 
speech  for  kindly  people,  it  also  serves  as  a 
guard  and  preserver  of  our  household  sanctit 


II. 


INTRODUCTIONS. 

Ladies  of  social  equality  are  introduced  to 
each  other,  and  so  also  are  gentlemen.  The 
latter,  however,  are  always  presented  to  ladies. 
The  distinction  in  the  form  is  an  agreeable  and 
proper  homage  to  womankind,  which  a  true 
gentleman  is  glad  to  pay  to  her. 

The  forms  of  introductions  and  presentations 
must  necessarily  differ  in  a  country  where  an 
equality  of  citizenship  is  established  by  constitu- 
tional law.  The  endeavor  to  fix  social  formali- 
ties by  a  judicial  power  becomes  a  comical  ab- 
surdity when  attempted  in  New  York ;  therefore 
intellectual  development,  refined  culture,  and 
gentleness  of  breeding,  combine  to  arrange  our 
forms  of  presentation  and  introduction  in  such 
flexible  ways  as  shall  satisfy  all  grades  of  society. 

It  is  probable  that  from  the  foreign  custom  of 
announcing  guests  from  the  thresholds  of  salons 


16  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

by  a  loud-voiced  servant  is  acquired  our  habit 
of  mentioning  the  name  of  the  less  important  or 
the  younger  person  first.  To  make  this  distinc- 
tion appear  less  emphatic,  when  the  difference 
between  the  parties  introduced  is  a  debatable 
one,  it  has  become  the  formal  custom  among 
many  to  say,  "  Mrs.  A.,  this  is  Mrs.  H. ;  Mrs.  H., 
Mrs.  A."  A  balance  of  respect  is  thus  struck,  or 
very  nearly  so,  by  this  arrangement. 

If  a  gentleman  is  presented  to  a  lady  by  a 
gentleman,  of  course  permission  is  first  secured 
from  the  lady,  and  afterward  the  presentation  is 
made  complimentary  by  its  formula  :  "  Mr.  Mor- 
timer desires  to  be  presented  to  Mrs.  or  Miss 
Fairfax." 

Or  if  the  lady  or  gentleman  making  the  pres. 
entation  desires  the  unknown  parties  to  become 
acquainted  for  his  or  her  own  personal  reasons, 
he  or  she  says :  "  This  is  Mr.  Mortimer,  Mrs. 
Fairfax.  It  gives  me  pleasure  to  present  him  to 
you."  The  married  lady  replies  according  to 
her  inclination,  of  course  regulating  the  expres- 
sion of  her  sentiments  by  courtesy  and  good^ 
breeding.     If  she  be  glad   to  know  Mr.  Morti- 


IX  TROD  UCTIONS.  \  7 

mer,  she  says  so  with  frankness  and  cordiality  ; 
and  she  briefly  thanks  the  presenting  party  as 
soon  as  she  has  accepted  the  new  acquaintance, 
and  then  the  presenter  retires.  The  young  lady 
can  only  express  a  polite  recognition  of  the 
gentleman  presented,  by  bowing,  smiling,  and 
mentioning  the  name  of  the  new  acquaintance  as 
a  response.  The  expressed  gratification  is  all 
made  by  the  gentleman,  and  he  will  never  fail  to 
say  some  complimentary  thing  to  her  in  regard 
to  the  ceremony.  Two  ladies  may  extend  hands 
to  each  other,  and  so  also  may  two  gentlemen, 
although  hand-shaking  is  not  so  common  as  for- 
merly. The  introduced  parties  maybe  as  friend- 
ly as  they  please  to  each  other,  although  exces- 
sive cordiality  is  not  considered  a  part  of  high- 
breeding  at  the  first  meeting  of  people  in  gen- 
eral society,  because  the  estimate  in  which  stran- 
gers hold  each  other  usually  rests  upon  a  flimsy 
or  a  fictitious  basis.  Hearty  good-fellowship  de- 
mands something  more  than  an  inventory  of  the 
features  of  those  whom  we  meet. 

If  the  difference  in  age  between  two  ladies 
Qr  two  gentlemen  be  unmistakably  perceptible^ 


18  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

the  younger  is  introduced  to  the  elder.  If  a 
publicly-admitted  superiority  exists,  age,  unless 
very  advanced,  is  unconsidered  in  this  formality. 
The  unknown  to  fame  is  presented  to  the  fa- 
mous. 

The  single  lady  is  introduced  to  the  married 
lady,  and  the  single  gentleman  to  the  married, 
other  things  being  equal. 

Those  persons  who  have  been  born  and 
reared  in  the  best  society  never  make  a  hasty 
presentation  or  introduction.  An  habitual 
though  momentary  reflection  adjusts  in  their 
own  minds  the  proper  relation  of  the  two  who 
are  about  to  be  made  known  to  each  other,  and 
unpleasant  mistakes  thus  become  almost  impos- 
sible. 

In  another  chapter  sufficient  is  written  in 
regard  to  that  easy  elegance  of  manner  which 
every  person  should  acquire  and  maintain  at 
a  private  party,  or  in  the  reception-room  of 
one  who  has  been  a  hostess.  Introductions 
should   be   considered   wholly  unnecessary  i 

isant  conversation.  Every  person  should 
feel  that  he  is,  at  least  for  the  time  being,  upon 


INTRODUCTIONS.  19 

a  social  equality  with  every  guest  who  is  present. 
That  a  person  was  bidden  to  the  entertainment 
proves  that  the  host  so  considers  him,  and  the 
acceptance  of  the  invitation  levels  him,  for  the 
time  being,  either  up  or  down  to  the  social  grade 
of  all  whom  he  may  meet,  no  matter  at  what  esti- 
mate he  may  hold  himself  when  elsewhere.  A 
lady  or  gentleman  must  conduct  himself  or  her- 
self, while  remaining  in  the  house,  as  if  there  were 
no  more  exalted  society  than  that  which  is  pres- 
ent. To  converse  above  the  comprehension  of 
a  temporary  companion  is  an  unpardonable  ego- 
tism, and  to  convey  to  a  fellow-guest  the  impres- 
sion that  surroundings  superior  to  the  present 
are  the  only  ones  with  which  the  speaker  is  fa- 
miliar is  incontrovertible  testimony  to  the  con- 
trary. If  polished  people  were  his  only  custom- 
ary society,  unpleasant  comparisons  would  be 
impossible  to  his  tongue.  Genuine  excellence  is 
never  compelled  to  assert  or  explain  itself,  if  it 
happens  to  be  thrown  among  a  people  with  less 
polished  formalities  of  manner,  or  a  less  elegant 
conduct  of  social  matters.  A  nobility  of  senti- 
ment compels  its  possessors  to  be  agreeable  to 


20  SOCIAL   ETIQUETTE. 

simpler  folk  whom  they  meet,  and  an  introduc- 
tion to  an  inferior  in  breeding  and  position  will 
never  be  met  with  other  than  a  kindly  acknowl- 
edgment. It  is  for  the  gently  bred  to  show  by 
example  the  attractions  of  a  higher  standard  of 
conduct.  Superiority  of  character  is  never  out- 
wardly disturbed  by  contact  with  lesser  excel- 
lence. It  is  self-centred,  and  holds  itself  in  readi- 
ness to  compel  others  to  be  content  with  its 
presence.  There  should  be  no  wounded  vanity 
stirring  in  the  heart  of  the  one  who  is  presented, 
nor  an  inflated  pride  in  the  mind  of  the  person 
who  receives  a  new  acquaintance.  The  accepted 
formalities  for  making  presentations  should  be 
familiar  to  every  host  and  hostess,  but  it  must 
not  be  forgotten  that  miscellaneous  introductions 
have  fallen  into  disuse.  Indeed,  they  are  seldom 
made  except  in  compliance  to  a  request,  or  as  a 
social  necessity  at  dinners,  dances,  etc.  A  su- 
perior breeding  compels  conversation  to  be 
easy  and  entertaining  between  strangers  who 
meet  at  the  house  of  a  friend,  as  if  their  names 
had  been  pronounced. 


III. 


SALUTATIONS. 


If  bowing  to  a  lady  expressed  deference, 
then  might  any  gentleman  incline  his  head  to 
every  woman  he  met ;  but  it  does  not.  It  means 
recognition  and  nothing  else,  and  it  is  her  pre- 
rogative to  offer  this,  and  the  gentleman's  to  ac- 
cept it.  Under  no  circumstances  have  merely 
formal  acquaintances,  who  are  equals  in  age  and 
position,  a  right  to  change  this  formality.  Be- 
tween intimate  friends,  it  is  immaterial  which 
bows  first,  the  gentleman  or  lady.  The  lady 
may  be  distant  or  cordial  in  her  salutation,  and 
the  gentleman  must  be  respectfully  responsive  to 
her  manner,  and  claim  no  more  attention  than 
she  offers  to  him.  A  carefully-bred  lady  will 
never  be  capricious  in  her  public  recognitions  of 
gentlemen,  nor  will  she  be  demonstrative.  Self- 
respect  withholds  her  from  expressing  any  pri- 
vate sentiments  of  dislike  in  her  public  greet- 


22  SOCIAL   ETIQUETTE. 

ings,  although  she  may  refuse  to  recognize  an 
acquaintance  for  good  and  sufficient  reasons. 
Her  greetings  will  be  fully  polite,  or  they  will 
not  be  given  at  all.  She  will  not  insult  an  ac- 
quaintance by  a  frigid  salutation,  which  may  be 
observed  by  strangers.  Under  all  circumstances, 
upon  the  promenade,  the  street,  or  in  other  pub- 
lic places,  her  smiles  are  faint  and  her  bows  are 
reserved,  but  they  are  not  discourteous,  and  no 
gentleman  possesses  the  right  to  criticise  this 
dignified  demeanor,  no  matter  how  cordially  she 
may  have  received  him  at  a  recent  ball,  or  when 
he  last  paid  his  respects  to  her  at  her  home. 

A  faint  smile  and  a  formal  bow  are  all  that 
the  most  refined  lady  accords  to  the  visitor  of 
her  family  when  she  passes  him  in  her  walks  or 
drives.  If  a  gentleman  lifts  his  hat  and  stops 
after  she  has  recognized  him,  he  may  ask  her 
permission  to  turn  and  accompany  her  for  a 
little,  or  even  a  long  distance.  Under  no  cir- 
cumstances will  he  stand  still  in  the  street  to 
converse  with  her,  or  be  offended  if  she  excuse 
herself  and  pass  on.  She  may  be  in  haste,  or 
Otherwise  absorbed,  and  his  conversation  may  be 


SALUTATIONS.  23 

an  interruption  to  her  thought,  even  though  she 
be  at  other  times  graciously  pleased  to  entertain 
him  with  her  social  accomplishments.  Neither 
may  he  ask  this  favor  of  her  unless  he  be  an  ad- 
mitted friend  and  visitor  of  her  family. 

A  lady  may  remember  and  recognize  a  gen- 
tleman who  has  been  formally  presented  to  her, 
even  when  he  cannot  recall  her  face,  so  much 
change  does  evening  toilet  and  gaslight  often 
create  in  a  lady's  appearance.  His  acknowledg- 
ment of  her  recognition  must  be  as  respectfully 
courteous  to  an  apparent  stranger  as  it  would  be 
to  a  valued  friend.  The  passers  in  the  street 
know  no  difference  in  individuals.  A  gentleman 
is  compelled  to  suppose  that  an  apparent  lady  is 
a  lady,  but  a  lady  may  use  her  own  knowledge 
in  public  places,  and,  for  excellent  reasons,  be- 
come oblivious  of  those  whom  she  does  not  in- 
clude within  her  circle  of  friends. 

The  same  formalities  must  be  observed  at 
entertainments.  The  gentleman  who  is  a  formal 
acquaintance  waits  patiently  for  the  lady-guest 
to  recognize  his  presence.  Of  course  at  a  pri- 
vate party  no  lady  will  be  purposely  uncivil  to 


2-4  SOCIAL   ETIQUETTE. 

any  fellow-guest.  It  would  be  a  discourtesy  to 
an  entertainer.  Neither  will  she  show  sufficient 
gratification  at  meeting  a  gentleman,  that  the 
most  self-admiring  of  that  sex,  to  whom  vanity 
is  not  traditionally  imputed,  shall  be  enabled  to 
imagine  that  she  craves  his  attention. 

When  entering  a  parlor  to  pay  a  brief  visit, 
a  gentleman  should  always  carry  his  hat,  leav- 
ing his  overshoes,  overcoat,  and  umbrella  in  the 
hall  if  it  be  winter  time.  The  lady  rises  to  re- 
ceive him,  unless  she  is  an  invalid,  or  advanced 
in  years,  in  which  case  she  receives  him  seat- 
ed, and  excuses  herself  from  rising.  If  she  ex- 
tends her  hand  to  him,  he  takes  it  respectfully; 
but  he  does  not  remove  his  glove,  as  was  the  old 
style.  He  never  offers  his  hand  first.  He  can- 
not do  this  any  more  than  the  mere  acquaint- 
ance can  bow  first.  If  it  be  a  hasty  call,  and 
others  are  present,  he  seldom  seats  himself,  and 
takes  leave  very  soon  after  another  gentleman 
enters,  even  though  his  stay  has  been  very  brief. 
The  lady  still  retains  her  seat  and  bows  X\qt  adicux, 
without  extending  her  hand  a  second  time,  even  if 
Bhe  offered  it  upon  his  entrance.      Hand-shaking 


SALUTATIONS.  25 

is  very  properly  falling  into  disuse  in  ordinary 
visits. 

A  lady  never  accompanies  a  gentleman  to  the 
door  of  the  drawing-room,  much  less  to  the 
vestibule,  unless  she  desires  him  to  understand 
that  she  entertains  a  profoundly  respectful  re- 
gard for  him.  She  introduces  him  to  no  one, 
unless  there  be  some  especial  reason  why  this 
formality  should  take  place ;  but  he  converses 
with  her  other  guests  just  as  if  he  had  met  them 
before.  No  after  recognition  is  warranted  be- 
tween gentlemen,  or  between  ladies,  and  cer- 
tainly not  between  a  lady  and  gentleman,  until 
they  shall  meet  again  in  the  drawing-room,  when 
the  gift  of  mutual  speech  is  resumed.  This  cus- 
tom may  have  its  unpleasant  aspects,  but  it  is 
one  of  the  safeguards  of  society.  If  the  parties 
desire  to  be  presented  to  each  other,  the  oppor- 
tunity is  afforded  them  at  these  casual  meetings. 
The  hostess  cannot  easily  refuse  this  formality  if 
she  be  asked  to  perform  it ;  and,  if  the  acquaint- 
ance be  mutually  agreeable,  it  is  well;  but,  if 
not,  the  lady  can  terminate  it  speedily  between 
herself  and  a  gentleman.     It  may  not  end  thus 


26  SOCIAL   ETIQUETTE. 

abruptly  between  ladies,  or  between  gentlemen, 
and  an  easy  after-nod  of  recognition  costs  noth- 
ing, and  it  may  afford  pleasure  to  another.  Cer- 
tainly there  must  be  some  positive  cause  for 
dislike  that  can  prevent  a  well-bred  person  from 
bowing  to  one  who  has  been  admitted  to  the 
house  of  a  mutual  acquaintance,  and  properly 
introduced.  Kindliness,  considerateness,  and 
all  gracious  courtesies  belong  together,  and  the 
gently  bred  are  not  likely  to  forget  to  express 
these  charming  virtues. 

There  may  be  circumstances  when  a  gentle- 
man may  lift  his  hat  to  a  passing  lady,  even 
though  he  cannot  bow  to  her.  She  may  be  of- 
fended with  him,  and  yet  he  may  respect  and 
feel  kindly  toward  her.  He  may  deserve  her 
disregard,  and  it  is  permitted  him  to  express 
his  continued  reverence  by  uncovering  his  head 
in  her  presence;  but  he  has  no  right  to  look 
at  her  as  she  passes  him.  He  must  drop  his 
eyes. 

He  lifts  his  hat  to  a  lady  whom  he  passes  in  a 
hall  or  corridor,  unless  the  place  be  a  thorough- 
fare, but  he  docs  not   rest  his  glance  upon  her. 


SALUTATIONS.  27 

This  is  an  expression  of  respect  and  courtesy  to 
the  sex. 

It  not  infrequently  happens  when  gentlemen 
are  driving,  that  they  cannot  touch  their  hats 
because  too  closely  occupied  ;  but  a  cordial  bow- 
satisfies  the  most  exacting  of  ladies  under  such 
circumstances.  When  riding  in  the  saddle  he 
may  lift  his  hat,  or  touch  its  rim  with  his  whip, 
according  to  convenience.  Etiquette  permits 
both  styles  of  greeting. 

In  passing  a  group  of  mourners  at  a  door- 
way, where  their  dead  is  being  carried  forth,  or 
a  funeral  cortege  in  a  quiet  street,  a  gentleman 
will  uncover  his  head.  This  is  a  beautiful 
French  custom,  and  it  is  now  so  fully  incorpo- 
rated with  our  own  habits  that  it  may  well  be 
styled  a  part  of  our  street  etiquette.  It  is  cer- 
tainly an  appropriate  recognition  of  a  sorrow 
that  some  time  or  other  falls  to  the  lot  of  all 
of  us. 

A  gentleman  always  lifts  his  hat  when  offering 
a  service  to  a  strange  lady.  It  may  be  the  res- 
toration of  her  kerchief  or  fan,  the  receiving  of 
her  change  to  pass  it  to  the  cash  box  of  a  stage, 


28  SOCIAL   ETIQUETTE. 

the  opening  of  her  umbrella  as  she  descends 
from  a  carriage — all  the  same  ;  he  lifts  it  before 
he  offers  his  service,  or  during  the  courtesy,  if 
possible.  She  bows,  and,  if  she  choose,  she  also 
smiles  her  acknowledgment;  but  she  does  the 
latter  faintly,  and  she  does  not  speak.  To  say 
"  Thank  you  !"  is  not  an  excess  of  acknowledg- 
ment, but  it  has  ceased  to  be  etiquette.  ^A  bow 
may  convey  more  gratitude  than  speech. 

This  last  information  is  more  especially  fur- 
nished to  foreigners,  who  consider  our  ladies 
ungracious  in  some  of  their  customs,  and  in- 
delicately forward  in  others.  In  the  matter  of 
thanks  to  strangers  for  any  little  attentions  they 
bestow  upon  ladies,  we  beg  leave  to  establish  our 
own  methods,  and  no  one  finds  it  necessary  to 
imitate  the  German,  the  French,  the  English,  or 
the  Spanish,  in  these  delicate  matters. 

A  gentleman  opens  a  door  for  a  strange  lady, 
holds  it  open  with  one  hand  and  lifts  his  hat 
with  the  other,  while  she  passes  through  in  ad- 
vance of  him.  He  always  offers  her  the  pre- 
cedence; but  he  docs  it  silently,  and  without 
resting  his   gaze    upon   her,   as   if  he  would 


SALUTATIONS.  20 

"You  are  a  lady  and  I  am  a  gentleman.  I  am 
polite  for  both  our  sakes.  You  may  be  young 
and  charming,  or  you  may  be  old  and  ugly ;  it  is 
all  the  same  to  me.  I  have  not  looked  at  you  to 
discern,  but  I  am  certain  that  you  are  a  lady." 

A  gentleman  who  is  walking  in  the  street 
with  a  lady,  touches  his  hat,  and  bows  to  whom- 
ever she  salutes  in  passing.  This  is  done  in 
compliment  to  her  acquaintance,  who  is  most 
likely  a  stranger  to  him.  If  accompanying  her 
across  a  drawing-room,  and  she  bows  to  a 
friend,  he  inclines  his  head  also  ;  but  he  does 
not  speak. 

He  always  raises  his  hat  when  he  begs  a 
lady's  pardon  for  an  inadvertence,  whether  he  is 
known  to  her  or  not. 

Ladies  who  entertain  hospitably,  and  possess 
hosts  of  acquaintances,  are  likely  to  invite  many 
young  gentlemen  with  whose  families  they  are 
familiar,  but  who  seldom  have  an  opportunity  of 
seeing  their  young  friends  except  for  a  moment 
or  two  during  an  evening  party.  It  would  be 
strange  if,  sometimes,  these  ladies  should  not 
fail  to  recognize  a  late  guest  when  they  meet  on 


30  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE, 

the  promenade.  Young  gentlemen  are  over- 
sensitive about  these  matters,  and  imagine  that 
there  must  be  a  reason  for  this  apparent  indiffer- 
ence. If  young  gentlemen  were  not  compelled, 
or  did  not  choose  to  make  their  party  calls  by 
card,  they  would  less  often  suffer  through  these 
omissions  of  courtesy.  That  a  lady  invites  him 
to  her  house  is  an  evidence  of  her  respect ;  but 
she  cannot  charge  her  memory  with  the  features 
of  her  multitude  of  young  acquaintances,  much 
as  she  would  like  to  show  this  courtesy  to  them 
all.  She  is  very  likely  a  matron  with  many  social 
cares,  and  this  is  one  of  those  exceptional  cases 
when  a  gentleman  should  be  permitted  to  lift  his 
hat,  and  spare  the  lady  from  an  after-conscious- 
ness of  having  wounded  his  feelings.  They  are 
neither  equals  in  age  nor  position,  consequent- 
ly he  may  use  his  own  refined  discretion  as  to 
whether  he  will  express  recognition  or  not.  It 
would  not  be  improper,  because  she  is  his  supe- 
rior. She  desired  him  to  be  her  guest,  which 
signified  her  acceptance  of  his  acquaintance,  and 
this  acquaintance  has  thus  become  something 
more  than  formal. 


IV. 


STRANGERS   IN    TOWN. 


It  is  the  rule  among  our  best  people  to  call 
upon  the  stranger  who  is  in  town.  It  is  contrary 
to  the  usages  of  most  polite  nations,  but  we  long 
ago  adopted  it,  and  present  society  approves  of 
it.  It  has  its  pleasant  and  its  unpleasant  aspects, 
but  the  more  satisfactory  ones  predominate. 
When  a  circle  is  large  enough,  and  agreeable 
enough,  combining  such  varieties  of  people  as 
make  it  entertaining,  a  stranger,  who  is  sensitive 
and  considerate,  feels  unwilling  to  intrude  upon 
it  without  an  invitation.  To  thrust  one's  self 
among  those  who  feel  no  social  needs,  requires 
an  amount  of  self-approbation  that  is  not  pos- 
sessed by  the  really  admirable  character.  On 
the  other  hand,  it  is  exceedingly  unfortunate  for 
the  stranger  who  must  wait  outside  the  gates  of 
society  until  some  one  shall  think  of  him,  and 
find  time  and  inclination  to  go  out  of  a  pleasant 


32  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

circle  and  invite  the  lonely  individual  into  its 
charmed  precincts. 

But,  then,  who  of  us  is  there  who  would  not 
rather  wait  and  be  sought,  than  to  be  considered 
an  eager  intruder  ?  Time  may  seem  to  move 
too  slowly  to  the  impatient  lover  of  society,  but 
still  it  does  not  stand  still,  and  recognition  comes 
eventually  if  the  stranger  possesses  attractive 
qualities  of  mind,  manner,  and  character. 

If  the  visitor  brings  letters  of  introduction, 
an  entree  to  society  is  easy  through  the  usually 
observed  forms,  which  will  be  fully  treated  in 
another  chapter.  If  strangers  who  have  come  to 
reside  with  us,  or  even  to  visit  our  locality,  bear 
credentials  of  respectability,  courteous  and  hos- 
pitable residents  will  call  upon  them,  after  suffi- 
cient time  has  elapsed  for  the  recently-arrived  to 
have  adjusted  themselves  to  their  new  positions. 

No  introduction  is  necessary  in  such  case. 
The  resident  ladies  call  between  two  and  five 
o'clock,  send  in  their  own  with  their  husbands' 
or  their  fathers'  or  brothers'  cards,  and,  if  they 
find  the  strangers  disengaged, a  brief  and  cordial 
interview  ends   the  first  visit.      This  must  be   re- 


STRANGERS  IN   TOWN  33 

turned  within  a  week,  or  a  note  of  apology  and 
explanation  for  the  omission  is  sent,  and  the  re- 
turn-visit is  then  paid  later  on.  If  a  card  be 
sent  in  return  for  this  visit,  or  is  left  in  person 
without  an  effort  to  see  the  parties  who  have 
made  the  first  visit,  it  is  understood  that  the 
strangers  prefer  solitude,  or  that  there  are  rea- 
sons why  they  cannot  receive  visitors.  The  one 
who  has  offered  the  welcoming  hand  of  kindli- 
ness will  have  fulfilled  a  social  duty,  and  there  is 
no  reason  for  regretting  the  attempt  to  entertain 
the  stranger.  It  is  more  than  possible  that  some 
unhappy  circumstance  compels  this  reserve.  At 
any  rate,  it  is  far  better  to  look  for  some  sweet 
spring  as  the  source  of  all  incomprehensible  con- 
duct than  it  is  to  imagine  an  unpleasant  or  bitter 
one. 

A  gentleman  should  not  make  a  first  call  upon 
the  ladies  of  the  family  of  a  new-comer  without  an 
introduction  or  an  invitation.  His  lady  friend, 
or  kinswoman,  may  leave  his  card,  and  he  may 
receive  an  invitation,  verbal  or  written,  to  make 
the  new  acquaintance.  Under  such  circum- 
stances the  usual  formality  of  introduction  may 


24  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

be  made  by  his  second  visiting-card,  which  he 
will  send  in  to  announce  himself  at  the  time  of 
his  call,  provided  he  pays  his  respects  to  the  new 
household  unaccompanied  by  a  common  friend. 

The  sending  of  his  card  to  the  strangers  was 
an  unmistakable  request  to  make  their  acquaint- 
ance. If  his  visits  be  undesirable,  the  way  is 
opened  for  an  easy  method  of  declining  them. 
His  card  need  not  be  noticed.  This  refusal  of 
friendliness  is  far  less  awkward  and  unpleasant 
for  both  parties  than  to  ask  permission  verbally 
to  become  a  visitor  and  be  verbally  rejected. 
Sometimes  there  are  unfortunate  family  compli- 
cations or  conditions  which  compel  a  refusal  of 
gentlemen's  society,  but  which  are  unexplainable. 
Painful  necessities  are  oftenest  the  very  ones 
least  easy  of  explanation.  No  gentleman  pos- 
sesses a  reasonable  ground  for  offense,  or  for 
feeling  hurt,  if  he  be  not  admitted  as  a  visitor  to 
a  family  whose  circumstances  and  conditions  are 
unfamiliar  to  him.  It  is  not  difficult  to  imagine 
that  the  stranger  who  refuses  to  make  a  new 
friend  is  likely  to  suffer  more  than  the  rejected 

on. 


STRANGERS  IN    TOWN.  35 

A  stranger  can  make  no  overtures  for  ac- 
quaintance to  older  residents,  but,  as  frequently 
happens  in  large  towns,  two  people  may  have 
desired  each  other's  society  for  a  long  time, 
but  the  formalities  of  an  introduction  have  been 
beyond  easy  reach.  Or  their  names  even  may 
have  been  unknown  to  each  other.  They  meet 
at  the  house  of  a  friend,  and  conversation,  either 
with  or  without  presentation,  often  leads  to  a 
wish  for  further  intercourse.  This  desire  is  ex- 
pressed, and  a  mutual  interchange  of  kindly 
interest  and  addresses  takes  place.  The  ques- 
tion then  arises,  "  Who  shall  pay  the  first  visit  ?  " 
This  is  one  of  those  matters  which  settle  them- 
selves. Mutual  liking  and  sincere  expressions 
of  regard  prepare  the  way  for  either  one  to  make 
the  initiative  call.  If  one  lady  be  the  younger 
by  many  years,  she  should  call  first.  This  eti- 
quette  is  based  upon  the  supposition  that  the 
elder  lady  belongs  to  a  larger  circle  of  friends, 
and  has  more  pressing  social  duties  than  the 
younger  one.  If  the  parties  are  equal  in  age 
and  position,  the  one  whose  reception-day  arrives 
earliest  should  receive  the  first  call. 


3C  SOCIAL   ETIQUETTE. 

If  their  "  at-home  "  hours  are  at  the  same 
time,  a  mutual  arrangement,  or  the  urgency  of 
their  admiration  for  each  other,  will  settle  this 
easily  enough  without  formality. 

Aged  gentlemen  or  ladies,  an  eminent  per- 
sonage or  a  clergyman,  always  receive  the  first 
call.  Jt  is  proper  to  leave  a  card  for  them, 
even  when  they  are  known  to  be  too  much  en- 
gaged either  to  receive  in  person  or  to  return 
calls  of  ceremony.  The  card  signifies  respectful 
and  appreciative  remembrance. 

No  custom  is  more  significant  of  the  highest 
and  noblest  breeding  and  the  gentlest  culture, 
than  that  of  remembering  the  aged  in  all  pleasant 
formalities.  Our  citizens  are  accused  by  other 
nations  of  indifference  to  those  who  are  advanced 
in  years.  This  may  be  true  of  selfish  people  and 
of  plebeians,  but  it  is  not  true  of  our  refined  and 
high-toned  members  of  society.  A  thoughtful 
courtesy  and  a  tender  consideration  make  the 
late  afternoon  of  life  beautiful  with  respectful 
regard,  even  when  a  lack  of  familiar  acquaint- 
ance has  withheld  affectionate  devotion. 


V. 

DEBUTS   IN    SOCIETY. 

This  expression  really  signifies  less  than  it 
ought  in  America,  and  it  applies,  in  its  ordinary 
sense,  to  ladies  only.  The  gentleman  of  Europe, 
especially  the  first-born  in  England,  is  consid- 
ered worthy  of  especial  notice  on  the  day  upon 
which  he  attains  his  majority.  Oftener  than 
otherwise,  the  honors  thrust  upon  him  at  this 
time  by  those  who  are  beyond  the  strict  limits 
of  kinship,  are  measured  by  his  prospective  im- 
portance. It  is  quite  otherwise  with  the  young 
lady,  either  in  Europe  or  America.  According 
to  the  combined  convictions  and  desires  of 
parent  and  child,  the  time  fixed  for  the  girl  to 
become  a  young  lady,  in  the  estimation  of  soci- 
ety, is  from  seventeen  to  twenty.  If  there  are 
older  unwed  sisters,  her  debut  is  often  postponed, 
for  reasons  which  need  no  explanation.  The 
mamma  determines  the  time  when,  by  a  proper 


38  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

celebration,  her  daughter  shall  be  accepted  by 
the  world  as  a  fully  matured  woman,  who  may 
receive  the  homage  of  gentlemen  if  she  desires 
their  attention.  She  marks  this  transition  from 
girl-life  to  young  ladyhood  by  inviting  only  fit- 
ting friends  to  her  house,  where  she  may  present 
this  daughter  to  them  as  a  member  of  their 
circle.  This  ceremony  should  convey  the  in- 
formation to  the  world  that  the  young  lady  has 
been  graduated  in  all  the  accomplishments  and 
knowledge  necessary  for  her  uses  as  a  woman  of 
society.  In  fact,  it  should  mean  that  she  has 
been  instructed  in  all  that  deft  wisdom  which 
will  be  required  by  a  belle  of  her  circle  and  a 
queen  of  a  household,  for  which  she  is,  as  all 
women  are,  a  candidate.  Young  lady  readers 
will  object  to  this  assertion,  but  it  is,  neverthe- 
less, a  fact. 

It  is  common  for  them  to  decline  matrimony 
before  they  are  invited  to  accept  it,  on  principles 
of  modesty,  just  as  ambitious  politicians  refuse 
an  office  before  nomination.  It  is  natural  for 
women  to  become  wives,  and  all  the  proper  aims 
of  a  girl's  life  tend  toward  this  relation,  the  hero 


DEBUTS  IN   SOCIETY,  39 

of  which  surely  lives  somewhere  in  her  hopes 
of  the  future,  no  matter  how  vague  and  shape- 
less that  other  perhaps  unknown  but  essential 
party  to  the  alliance  may  be,  who  is  hidden 
away  in  her  imagination.  He  is  most  certainly 
in  existence,  else  debuts  in  society  would  never 
have  been  formulated  as  an  essential  etiquette. 

A  debut  is  a  barrier  between  an  immaturity  of 
character  and  culture,  and  an  admission  of  the 
completion  of  both.  Previous  to  this  event  a 
young  girl  is  not  supposed  to  be  sufficiently  in- 
telligent to  be  interesting  to  her  elders  among 
her  own  sex,  and  certainly  not  worldly-wise 
enough  to  associate  with  gentlemen. 

In  New  York's  best  society  she  is  never  seen 
at  a  party  that  is  composed  of  mature  people 
outside  of  her  father's  house,  previous  to  the 
finishing  of  her  education  ;  nor  is  she  present  at 
any  formal  entertainment  given  at  her  own  resi- 
dence, except  it  be  on  birthday  anniversaries, 
christenings,  or  marriages. 

Even  admitting  that  the  young  girl  be  preco- 
cious enough  to  be  interesting  to  her  mother's 
guests,  and  that  she  possesses  sufficient  maturitv 


40  ,  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

of  intellect,  and  is  discreet  in  her  conversation 
with  her  elders,  and  with  gentlemen  in  particu- 
lar, a  single  taste  of  the  fascinations  of  social 
life  would  interrupt  the  quiet  and  grave  comple- 
tion of  her  education,  which  is  supposed  to  be 
at  its  most  important  state  of  progression  and 
advancement  between  the  ages  of  fifteen  and 
eighteen  years. 

This  explanation  of  our  customs  may  be  re- 
ceived partly  as  an  expostulation  intended  for 
smaller  towns,  where  young  girls  often  enter 
society  before  leaving  school.  If  this  pernicious 
custom  could  only  be  made  unfashionable  in 
localities  where  it  exists,  the  young  girl  would 
submit  to  remain  a  student  much  longer,  and  her 
expectant  circle  would  receive  a  superior  woman 
when  she  enlarges  it  with  her  matured  presence. 

Just  previous  to  her  formal  presentation  or 
debut,  her  mother  and  her  elder  unmarried  sis- 
ters— if  she  have  them — pay  visits,  or  at  least 
leave  their  own  with  their  father's  and  brothers' 
cards,  upon  all  acquaintances  whom  they  intend 
to  invite  to  be  present  at  the  debut.  Engraved 
invitations    follow    this    formality,   and   they   are 


DEBUTS  IN  SOCIETY.  41 

issued  about  ten  days  previous  to  the  event.  If 
they  are  sent  by  post,  an  extra  outer  envelope 
incloses  all  the  invitations  that  are  directed  to 
one  family.  If  they  are  delivered  by  messenger, 
the  outer  wrap  is  no  longer  in  use.  The  post 
has  become  as  suitable  a  method  as  any  for 
conveying  social  messages.  One  envelope  is 
directed  to  Mr.  and  Mrs.  A.  If  there  are  more 
daughters  than  one,  the  address  is,  "  Misses  A.," 
or,  if  preferred,  "The  Misses  A."  Each  son  re- 
ceives a  separate  invitation.  The  question  need 
not  be  asked  why  each  young  gentleman  in  the 
same  household  be  individually  bidden  to  be 
present  when  the  daughters  are  not  separately 
invited,  because  the  answer  would  not  be  clear. 
It  is  the  custom.  Replies  are  sent  in  the  names 
of  the  parties  addressed  on  the  envelopes. 

The  invitation  is  engraved  in  script,  or,  if 
crest  or  cipher  be  used,  it  may  be  placed  on  the 
envelope,  and  is  in  form  similar  to  that  used  for 
parties,  which  we  shall  give  in  a  later  chapter. 
Cards  have  been  shown  us  on  which  the  special 
purpose  of  the  party  is  stated,  with  the  name 
of  the  young  lady  who    is  to  make   her  debut 


42  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

engraved  upon  it ;  but  this  is  rarely  done,  and 
has  not  the  sanction  of  the  more  fastidious 
people. 

The  following  is  the  formula  if  such  a  card  is 
used  : 

MR.    AND    MRS.    H.    W.    SAYCROFT 

request  the  pleasure  of 

presenting  their  eldest  [or  second,  etc.,]  daughter. 

Miss  Katherine  Felicia, 

to 

on  Monday  evenings  May  gth,  at  half -past  eight  d  clock. 
Dancing  at  eleven.  No.  59  Great  Hubert  Street. 

A  more  acceptable  method  is  simply  to  in- 
close the  card  of  the  young  lady  in  the  envelope 
containing  the  invitation. 

The  reply  is  written  and  forwarded  directly, 
and  corresponds  in  style  to  the  invitation,  in  the 
following  manner : 

MR.    AND    MRS.    A.    V.    JANSEN 

witkpUan 

Mr.  and    Mrs.   II.  \Y.  Sai 

\'h. 
No.  (>  Tu  lor  Place.  April  30 


DEBUTS  IN  SOCIETY.  43 

The  young  ladies  use  the  same  form,  and 
commence  their  note  with  "  The  Misses  Say- 
croft,"  or  in  whatever  style  the  invitation  is  sent 
to  them.  The  young  gentlemen  follow  the  same 
custom. 

Intimate  friends  may  send  flowers  on  the 
day  of  the  young  girl's  first  appearance,  if  they 
please ;  but  it  is  not  a  rigid  custom.  It  is  only 
a  pretty  and  pleasant  welcome  to  her  as  she 
enters  the  world. 

The  young  lady  stands  at  the  left  of  the 
mother  during  the  reception  of  guests,  and  is 
presented  to  her  elders  and  to  ladies. 

Of  course,  welcomes  and  brief  congratulatory 
compliments  are  offered  to  her  by  each  guest, 
and  then  place  is  made  for  the  presentation  of 
others  who  are  arriving. 

When  supper  is  announced,  if  there  is  no 
brother,  the  father  escorts  the  young  lady  to  the 
table,  and  the  mother  follows  at  the  last,  accom- 
panied by  the  most  honored  of  the  gentlemen 
present.  If  there  be  a  brother,  the  father  leads 
the  way  with  the  eldest  or  most  distinguished 
lady  of  the  party,  and  the  brother  escorts  the 


44  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

debutante,  and  places  her  at  her  father's  left 
hand. 

The  gentleman  who  is  her  partner  in  the  first 
dance  is  usually  selected  by  the  mother  from 
among  the  nearest  and  dearest  friends  of  the 
family  ;  more  than  likely  he  is  a  kinsman.  He 
dances  but  once  with  her ;  nor  does  any  other 
gentleman  ask  for  this  honor  a  second  time, 
although  he  may  express  his  regret  to  her  that 
such  a  pleasure  is  denied  him  by  the  natural 
rights  of  others  who  wish  to  be  her  partner  upon 
this  first  evening  of  her  appearance. 

Visits  of  ceremony  that  are  paid  to  the  hostess 
following  this  entertainment  of  course  include 
this  young  lady,  but  during  her  first  season  in 
society  she  has  no  card  of  her  own.  Nor  does 
she  pay  formal  visits  alone.  If  she  be  the  eldest 
unwed  daughter,  her  name  is  engraved  as  Miss 
Savcroft,  beneath  that  of  her  mother.  If  she 
have  elder  sisters  at  home,  her  name  is  engraved 
j  Katherine  Felicia  Savcroft.  During  this 
first  season  she  does  not  receive  gentlemen 
visitors  without  a  chaperon  under  any  pressure 
of  circumstances.      If  her  mother  be  unable  to 


DEBUTS  IN  SOCIETY.  45 

receive  with  her,  she  declines  a  visit.  After  the 
first  season  her  own  separate  card  may  be  left, 
either  alone  or  with  those  of  other  members  of 
her  family. 

This  formality  past,  the  young  lady  may  be 
considered  launched  into  that  fascinating  world 
of  social  intercourse  and  fashionable  pleasures 
toward  which  she  has  most  likely  looked  long- 
ingly for  two  or  three  years. 

The  young  gentleman  somehow  slips  into 
society  without  formality.  Whether  or  not  it  is 
because  during  the  early  years  of  the  man  he 
usually  dislikes  young  ladies  who  are  not  his 
cousins,  or  because  he  is  off  at  college  and  fully 
absorbed,  it  is  not  easy  to  determine.  Certain 
it  is  that  the  young  man  finds  his  way  into  the 
charmed  circle  without  much  difficulty.  He 
begins  by  endeavoring  to  assist  his  mother  at 
her  entertainments,  and  by  being  an  escort  to 
his  sisters  on  informal  evening  visits  among  lady 
intimates,  where  his  maturity  and  attractions 
win  for  him  a  future  invitation. 

If  he  has  been  educated  abroad,  or  has  been 
absent  from  home,  upon  his   return  to  town  his 


46  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

mother  or  sisters  leave  his  card  with  their  own, 
which  bit  of  paper  signifies  that  his  family  ex- 
pect him  to  be  included  in  whatever  courtesies 
and  hospitalities  are  extended  to  themselves. 

"  The  lad  seldom  longs  for  society,  but  the 
lass  craves  it  the  moment  that  she  feels  a  stir  of 
self-consciousness,,,  insists  an  observer  of  the 
differences  between  boys  and  girls.  If  this  be  a 
truth,  the  necessary  dividing  line  between  the 
miss  and  the  young  lady  cannot  be  too  strongly 
marked,  nor  the  importance  of  that  formal  bar- 
rier called  a  debut  be  overestimated. 


VI. 

VISITING    AND    VISITING-CARDS    FOR    LADIES. 

To  the  unrefined  or  the  underbred  person, 
the  visiting-card  is  but  a  trifling  and  insignificant 
bit  of  paper;  but,  to  the  cultured  disciple  of 
social  law,  it  conveys  a  subtle  and  unmistakable 
intelligence.  Its  texture,  style  of  engraving,  and 
even  the  hour  of  leaving  it,  combine  to  place 
the  stranger  whose  name  it  bears  in  a  pleasant 
or  a  disagreeable  attitude,  even  before  his  man- 
ners, conversation,  and  face  have  been  able  to 
explain  his  social  position.  The  higher  the 
civilization  of  a  community,  the  more  careful  it 
is  to  preserve  the  elegance  of  its  social  forms. 
It  is  quite  as  easy  to  express  a  perfect  breeding 
in  the  fashionable  formalities  of  cards  as  by  any 
other  method,  and  perhaps,  indeed,  it  is  the 
safest  herald  of  an  introduction  for  a  stranger. 
Its  texture  should  be  fine,  its  engraving  a  plain 
script,  its    size  neither  too  small,  so  that  its  re- 


48  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

cipients  shall  say  to    themselves,  "  A  whimsical 
person,"  nor  too  large,  to  suggest  ostentation. 

Refinement  seldom  touches  extremes  in  any- 
thing. No  flourishes,  but  clear,  medium-sized 
letters,  with  the  prefix  of  "  Mrs."  or  "  Miss  "  in 
every  case,  except  where  there  is  a  title.  No 
lady  should  use  a  suggestion  of  her  husband's 
political  honors,  religious  rank,  military  or  naval 
position,  or  his  professional  occupation,  either 
by  abbreviation  or  otherwise.  She  does  not 
wish  to  be  honored  for  his  sake,  but  for  her 
own.  A  lady  may  be  mentioned  with  the  honor- 
able prefix  that  her  husband  bears,  but  she 
should  never  assume  it  herself.  It  is  not  eti- 
quette, and  is  in  bad  taste.  Besides,  there  is  no 
limit  arranged  for  grades.  If  one  lady  is  to  be 
called  "  Mrs.  Mayor  Puff,"  there  is  another  who, 
upon  the  same  principle,  should  be  styled  "Mrs. 
Detective  Key,"  or"  Mrs.  City  Scavenger  Spade." 
Ladies  who  are  not  themselves  professional 
never  prefix  a  title  to  their  cards.  Nor  r 
they,  even  when  their  family  pride  of  pla<  e  is  at 
its  fiercest,  be<  custom  permits  her  to  leave 

her  hlisbai  id  with   Ik  r  own  upon  all  those 


VISITING-CARDS  FOR   LADIES.  49 

occasions  which  require  hers,  and  in  many  in- 
stances the  use  of  his  card  with  hers  is  a  mat- 
ter of  strict  etiquette. 

The  card  is  the  medium  of  social  intercourse 
when  we  are  in  our  gayest  moods,  and  we  choose 
it  to  convey  our  sympathies  to  the  sorrowful. 
The  friendliest  sentiments  are  expressed  by  a 
timely  card,  and  our  coldest  and  bitterest  dis- 
likes can  be  similarly  carried  to  an  enemy. 
It  tells  its  little  story  of  fondness  or  of  indif- 
ference, according  to  the  promptness  and  the 
method  of  its  arrival.  It  announces  a  friend, 
and  it  says  adieu.  It  congratulates  delicately, 
but  unmistakably,  and  it  is  the  brief  bearer  of 
tidings  which  a  volume  could  explain  with  no 
more  clearness. 

The  card  etiquette  of  the  best  society  of  New 
York  is  necessarily  different  from  what  it  would 
be  if  our  royalty  and  rank  were  inherited,  in- 
stead of  acquired.  The  same  formalities  prevail 
throughout  the  entire  country,  with  the  excep- 
tion of  Washington,  which  has  customs  peculiar 
to  its  fluctuating  political  conditions,  more  or 
less  modified  by  the  presence  of  foreign  embas- 


50  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

sadors.  Card  and  other  etiquette,  in  that  single 
city,  is  governed  by  its  own  social  by-laws,  to 
which  no  other  place  could  conform,  even  if  it 
chose  to  imitate  our  national  capital. 

In  France  the  stranger  always  pays  the  first 
visit,  either  with  or  without  an  introductory  let- 
ter. In  England,  among  equals  in  rank,  an  in- 
vitation to  call  follows  the  leaving  of  a  card, 
provided  the  acquaintance  is  desired.  In  New 
York,  an  introduction  is  a  formal  necessity.  An 
acquaintance  to  be  formed  between  strangers 
may  be  arranged  by  card,  where  a  personal  pre- 
sentation is  inconvenient.  Letters  of  introduc- 
tion are  not  now  so  frequently  used  as  formerly, 
unless  some  explanation  is  required.  The  intro- 
ducing lady  uses  the  following  formula,  neatly 
and  distinctly  written,  upon  the  upper  half,  at 
the  left-hand  corner,  of  his  or  her  own  visiting- 
card  : 

MRS.     I  li  IX     GRANDCOURT. 

This  card  is  enclosed  in  an  envelope  with 
that  of  the  lady  desiring  this  presentation. 
This  envelope  must  be  of  a  fine  quality,  and 


VISITING-CARDS  FOR  LADIES.  51 

either  posted  or  sent  by  messenger.  There  was 
a  time  when  a  messenger  only  was  considered 
either  proper  or  courteous,  but  the  postal  deliv- 
ery is  now  approved,  and  is  equally  appropriate 
for  the  uses  of  the  greater  part  of  a  lady's  mes- 
sages. The  lady  who  receives  the  two  cards 
must  call  in  person,  or,  if  this  be  impossible, 
some  member  of  the  family  must  call,  or  a  letter 
be  sent  by  special  messenger  to  explain  the 
omission.  Nothing  less  than  this  is  possible, 
without  offending  the  introducing  party. 

If  the  call  is  made  upon  the  sender  of  the 
two  cards,  not  more  than  three  days  should  inter- 
vene between  this  courtesy  and  the  introduction. 
This  visit  must  be  as  promptly  returned,  unless 
an  "  At  home  "  day  is  mentioned,  either  upon 
the  visiting-card  or  during  the  interview.  If  no 
special  courtesies  are  extended,  and  the  intro- 
duced lady  resides  at  a  distance,  she  must  leave 
a  card  with  P.  P.  C.  {pour prendre  conge')  written 
upon  it,  to  give  information  of  her  departure ; 
but,  if  their  acquaintance  has  gone  no  farther 
than  one  visit  each,  she  need  not  call  again,  and 
her  leave-taking  card    closes   the    courtesy.     If 


52  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

she  be  a  resident  of  the  city,  she  may  include 
the  new  acquaintance  in  her  formal  visiting-list, 
and  invite  her  to  receptions;  but  she  cannot 
first  ask  the  acquaintance,  whom  she  has  herself 
desired,  to  a  breakfast,  luncheon,  or  dinner.  It 
would  be  obtrusive.  The  first  hospitality  is  a 
privilege  that  is  very  properly  reserved  to  the 
one  who  has  received  an  unsought  acquaint- 
ance. 

After  a  personal  introduction,  the  oldest  resi- 
dent may,  if  she  choose,  leave  a  card,  which 
must  be  similarly  acknowledged  within  a  week, 
unless  a  visiting  day  is  engraved  or  written  upon 
the  card  of  the  first  caller,  when  that  special 
occasion  cannot  be  overlooked  without  a  return 
card  or  a  written  apology.  No  further  visiting 
is  necessary,  unless  mutually  convenient  or 
agreeable.  Even  this  limited  intercourse  makes 
frequent  meetings  in  society  easier  and  more 
agreeable,  and  it  involves  nothing.  It  is  simply 
ornamenting  the  barren  wastes  of  speechl* 
ncss. 

When  a  lady  changes  her  residence,  she  must 
I, with  her  new  address,  upon  those 


VISITING-CARDS  FOR  LADIES.  53 

to  whom  she  is  indebted  for  a  visit ;  but  she 
need  not  enter,  and  she  may  send  it  by  post  to 
those  upon  whom  she  made  the  last  call.  Her 
new  neighborhood  may  be  out  of  the  limits  of 
her  late  friends'  visiting  range,  or  it  may  be 
located  in  a  street  that  is  distasteful ;  hence  the 
first  card  should  never  include  a  call  upon 
formal  acquaintances. 

When  a  lady  leaves  town  for  the  summer,  or 
for  a  voyage,  if  the  season  be  well  advanced,  she 
sends  her  own  and  her  family's  P.  P.  C.  cards, 
with  temporary  address  upon  them,  by  mail, 
when  she  has  had  no  opportunity  of  taking  leave 
during  an  accidental  interview.  When  she  re- 
turns to  town  again  she  sends  out  her  cards, 
with  or  without  an  "  At  home  "  day  upon  them. 
The  properly-kept  visiting-book  of  each  lady 
will  decide  who  should  pay  the  first  call  in  the 
autumn. 

If  a  young  lady  is  to  be  married,  she  leaves 
her  card  in  person,  about  three  weeks  before  the 
event ;  but  she  does  not  visit.  Her  mother's  or 
chaperons  card  accompanies  her  own.  Their 
names  are  not  engraved   together,  as  they  may 


54  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

have  been  upon  their  previous  visiting-cards. 
The  young  lady,  being  about  to  assume  a  new- 
dignity,  very  properly  leaves  an  independent 
name  and  address  for  each  lady  member  of  the 
household  which  she  honors.  Its  signification  is 
plain.  She  desires  to  retain  their  friendship  in 
her  new  relation ;  and,  as  she  is  about  to  be  the 
central  figure  of  another  house,  and  the  dis- 
penser of  its  courtesies,  it  is  proper  for  her  to 
leave  this  intimation  of  a  future  welcome  to 
gentlemen  and  ladies  alike.  (Other  card  for- 
malities for  weddings  will  be  found  in  their 
proper  chapter.) 

If  a  death  occurs  in  the  household  of  a  friend, 
a  card  with  any  appropriate  sentiment  written 
upon  it,  or  a  bouquet  of  cut-flowers  and  a  card, 
are  sent  directly.  This  bouquet  is  not  intended 
for  a  funeral  parade,  but  an  emblem  of  personal 
sympathy  and  affection.  The  same  gentle  recog- 
nition of  any  felicitous  event,  such  as  the  birth 
of  a  child,  a  private  wedding,  the  entering  of 
a  new  house,  etc.,  is  a  pleasant,  but  not  rigid, 
etiquette  among  friends  and  admirers. 

Among  acquaintances  the  card  only,  with  no 


VISITING-CARDS  FOR  LADIES.  55 

intruding  expression  upon  it,  is  left,  either  with 
or  without  flowers — usually  without,  when  a  sor- 
row has  fallen  upon  a  family.  This  card  may  be 
that  of  a  stranger  even ;  but  it  is  never  sent,  and 
always  left  in  person,  or  it  is  carried  by  special 
messenger,  as  a  more  delicate  recognition  of  the 
grave  event.  This  act  is  one  of  gentle  kindli- 
ness, and  demands  no  acknowledgment  what- 
ever. It  is  compelled  by  too  delicate  a  senti- 
ment for  the  sympathizer  to  desire  a  reply. 

This  etiquette  is  not  a  necessity,  but  is  only 
a  proof  of  gentle  breeding  and  refined  manners. 
It  is  what  the  Parisian  means  by  noblesse  oblige, 
and  it  is  becoming  more  and  more  a  custom  in 
New  York's  best  society. 

Cards  are  always  first  left  in  the  hall  when 
entering  a  reception.  This  custom  makes  the 
debtor  and  creditor  list  of  the  entertainer  easier 
to  arrange,  because  announcing  names  is  rarely 
done  in  New  York  ;  and,  even  if  it  were,  in  large 
circles  the  memory  must  be  excellent  that  can 
retain  all  the  faces  of  those  who  accept  these 
courtesies.  Provided  an  invitation  to  a  party  or 
a  reception  is  necessarily  declined  after  having 


56  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

been  accepted,  cards  are  sent  by  messenger  upon 
the  same  evening,  and  an  explanatory  note  is 
forwarded  the  next  day,  when  more  leisure  will 
make  its  excuses  and  its  regrets  comprehensible. 

The  card  etiquette  of  ladies  is  not  at  all  dif- 
ficult. Familiarity  with  the  best  usages  of  soci- 
ety and  a  little  leisure  insure  a  smooth  social 
intercourse  with  the  world.  The  unmistakable 
expression  of  a  card,  of  course,  depends  upon 
the  time  of  its  arrival,  and  also  the  method  of  its 
conveyance.  An  invitation-card  and  a  reply  to 
it  may  go  by  post,  but  a  card  of  sympathy  or  of 
congratulation  cannot.  This  must  be  left  in 
person,  if  possible,  otherwise  by  special  messen- 
ger. 

The  forms  and  qualities  of  cards  and  their 
style  of  engraving  are  a  matter  in  which  a  deli- 
cate taste  is  not  thrown  away.  This  has  been 
mentioned  before,  and  we  emphasize  it. 

The  husband's  card  should  accompany  that 
of  his  wife  upon  all  formal  occasions;  but  it  is 
no  longer  stylish  for  both  names  to  he  engraved 
upon   the   same  card.  t   directly  after  mar- 

■■•.      Tl  Qd   the   eldest  daughter's 


VISITIXG-CARDS  FOR  LADIES. 

names  are  always  engraved  upon  the  same  card 
during  the  first  season  of  the  young  lady's  ap- 
pearance in  society,  and  afterward,  if  agreeable. 
This  is  the  form  : 

MRS.     FELIX     GRANDCOURT. 

MISS     GRANDCOURT. 

101  Silver  Avenue. 

If  there  are  more  than  one  daughter  in  society, 

MISSES    GRANDCOURT 

is  a  proper  form  to  use.  If  a  chaperon  other 
than  the  mother  introduces  and  accompanies 
young  ladies  into  society,  her  visiting-card  and 
theirs  are  left  together,  to  prevent  a  misunder- 
standing of  their  relations,  and  to  intimate  that 
they  are  inseparable  for  the  season. 

When  a  son  has  entered  society,  his  mother 
leaves  his  card  with  her  husband's  and  her  own, 
which  signifies  that  it  is  expected  that  he  will  be 
included  in  the  season's  invitations.  This  is 
strict  etiquette.  In  a  city  of  business  gentlemen, 
this  arrangement  explains  family  conditions 
which  might  not  otherwise  be  understood  ;  and, 


58  SOCIAL   ETIQUETTE. 

after  one  invitation  is  received  from  a  lady  by 
the  son,  he  can  manage  his  own  social  matters 
with  her  by  making  his  party  call,  and  leaving 
his  own  card  and  address. 

The  arrangement  of  his  entrde  into  society  is 
managed  by  his  mother,  or  by  a  near  lady  rela- 
tive, provided  the  mother  is  unable  to  attend  to 
those  formalities  which  strict  etiquette  demands. 

Not  longer  than  a  week  must  elapse  before 
the  cards  of  all  who  have  been  invited,  whether 
the  invitation  was  accepted  or  not,  are  to  be  left 
by  some  member  of  the  family,  upon  both  host 
and  hostess,  and  also  upon  any  one  for  whom 
the  entertainment  may  have  been  given.  A  sin- 
gle lady  member  of  the  family  may  perform  this 
social  duty  of  returning  cards  of  thanks  and 
congratulations  upon  the  success  of  the  fete, 
because,  in  the  height  of  a  gay  season,  pressing 
engagements  compel  a  division  of  these  formali- 
ties. Gentlemen  cannot  assist  in  these  social 
arrangements,  and  thus  relieve  the  lady  members 
of  the  family.  They  may,  however,  leave  a 
lady's  card  at  a  house  of  sorrow,  but  not  after  a 
festivity. 


VII. 


CARD   AND   VISITING   CUSTOMS   FOR   GENTLEMEN. 

After  a  gentleman  has  been  presented  to  a 
lady,  he  may  be  in  doubt  whether  the  acquaint- 
ance will  prove  agreeable  to  her.  He  may  be 
too  delicate  to  give  her  the  unpleasantness  of 
refusing  him  permission  to  call  upon  her,  should 
he  beg  such  an  honor.  Therefore,  if  he  covet 
her  acquaintance,  he  leaves  his  card  at  her  resi- 
dence, and  her  mother  or  chaperon  will  send  an 
invitation  to  him  to  visit  the  family,  or,  perhaps, 
to  be  present  at  an  entertainment,  after  which  it 
is  his  duty  to  call  and  pay  his  respects.  If  the 
list  of  her  acquaintance  be  already  too  exten- 
sive, no  notice  need  be  taken  of  the  card,  and 
he  will  wait  for  a  recognition  from  the  ladies  of 
the  household  when  they  meet  again.  If  the 
acquaintance  be  really  desirable,  a  prompt  ac- 
knowledgment  of    his    desire    to    become   ac- 


60  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

quainted  is  admitted  in  some  refined  and 
acceptable  form. 

If  he  be  introduced  by  card  or  by  letter,  he 
calls  upon  the  lady  addressed,  and  inquires  for 
the  ladies  of  the  family,  and  sends  in  his  own 
card,  carefully  addressed,  along  with  that  which 
introduces  him;  Of  course  he  is  received,  if  the 
introducing  party  be  properly  respected  ;  and 
then,  if  the  acquaintance  be  mutually  agreeable, 
there  are  easy  methods  of  discovering  it  to  each 
other.  Whether  he  be  welcome  for  his  own 
sake,  or  for  that  of  the  person  who  introduced 
him,  he  will  not  be  long  in  determining.  There 
will  be  equally  easy  and  early  methods  of  break- 
ing off  the  acquaintance  if  it  prove  less  agreeable 
to  the  gentleman  than  was  anticipated,  and  yet 
there  need  be  no  breach  of  etiquette,  and  no 
lessening  of  the  highest  social  tone  in  the  inter- 
course between  the  two  parties. 

An  invitation  extended  to  a  gentleman  who  is 
a  new  acquaintance  without  mentioning  the  prob- 
able time  of  being  able  to  receive  him,  is  equiv- 
alent to  no  invitation  at  all,  and  the  bidden 
on  need  not  hazard  a  call. 


CARD  ETIQUETTE  FOR   GENTLEMEN.     61 

If  a  gentleman  asks  for  a  presentation  to  an 
elderly,  or  to  a  married  lady,  she  understands  it 
to  be  complimentary,  and  her  manner  may  say 
"  Thank  you !  "  without  emphasizing  her  grati- 
tude by  an  invitation  to  him  to  continue  the 
acquaintance.  When  he  meets  her  again  he 
must  wait  for  her  recognition,  without  the  slight- 
est intimation  upon  his  countenance  that  they 
have  met  before.  When  she  bows  to  him,  he 
has  an  equal  opportunity  of  expressing  thanks 
by  his  manner.  But  if  at  the  introduction  she 
chooses  to  be  sufficiently  pleased  with  him,  and 
she  is  assured  of  his  social  position,  she  may 
extend  to  him  permission  to  pay  his  respects  to 
her.  As  a  well-bred  unmarried  lady  cannot  do 
this,  the  young  gentleman,  in  such  a  case,  must 
bide  his  time  by  leaving  his  card,  as  before  inti- 
mated. 

This  arrangement  renders  the  making  of  ac- 
quaintances an  easy  and  comprehensible  affair, 
provided  it  is  agreeable  to  both  persons,  and  it  is 
a  wall  of  defense  against  strange  and  unwelcome 
visitors.  However  unpleasant  the  result  may  be 
of  an  attempt  to  make  a  lady's  acquaintance  in 


62  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

this  manner,  every  true  gentleman  will  recog> 
nize  the  necessity  of  barriers  across  the  sacred 
threshold  of  home. 

The  style  of  the  gentleman's  card,  and  his 
address,  often  secure  acceptability  when  com- 
bined with  the  recollection  of  the  host  or  hostess 
who  made  the  presentation  ;  and,  by  the  same 
token  which  he  took  the  trouble  to  leave  at  the 
lady's  door,  she  is  certain  that  the  gentleman 
really  desires  to  visit  her,  and  he  can  never  sup- 
pose, much  less  say,  that  her  family  name  was 
an  unwelcome  one  upon  his  list  of  visiting- 
places. 

The  receiver  of  the  card  makes  a  careful 
study  of  its  style.  The  fine,  lustreless  texture, 
and  the  unpretentious  size  of  the  card ;  its  lack 
of  flourish  if  it  be  a  facsimile,  or  its  clear  script, 
with  the  full  address  of  the  applicant  for  ac- 
quaintance placed  at  the  lower  right-hand  cor- 
ner;  the  prefix  of  Mr.,  if  it  be  engraved  in  the 
latter  style,  and  its  omission  if  the  card  repre- 
sent the  signature  of  the  bearer,  affect  the  social 
thermoc  unmistakably.     If  it  is  in  perfect 

tasti  admires    him    un  aisly   for    this 


CARD  ETIQUETTE  FOR   GENTLEMEN.     63 

evidence  of  excellent  style,  refinement,  and  fa- 
miliarity with  the  details  of  a  high  social  posi- 
tion and  delicate  breeding.  She  also  observes 
the  hour  of  his  formal  call.  If  he  be  a  business 
gentleman,  who  cannot  command  the  hours  of 
the  day,  his  first  call  is  made  between  half-past 
eight  and  nine  o'clock  in  the  evening.  If  he  be 
able  to  command  leisure,  he  calls  at  the  strictly 
conventional  time,  between  two  and  five  o'clock 
p.  m.  The  careless,  ignorant,  or  too  eager  busi- 
ness man  will  call  as  early  as  half-past  seven 
p.  m.,  for  fear  that  the  lady  may  be  out.  This 
displeases  the  highly-bred  young  hostess.  It 
proves  to  her  that  he  is  either  unfamiliar  with 
the  elegant  etiquette  of  exclusive  society,  or  else 
that  he  scorns  formality,  and  she  dislikes  both 
ignorance  and  indifference  to  the  best  social 
usages. 

A  gentleman  leaves  a  card  for  both  host  and 
hostess  within  a  week  after  an  entertainment  to 
which  he  has  been  invited,  whether  he  accepted 
or  declined  the  hospitality.  If  he  cannot  call, 
the  card  is  imperative ;  and  a  young  man  must 

possess  scanty  leisure  indeed  if  he  cannot  ring 

5 


64  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

a  bell  and  leave  this  little  recognition  of  a  cour- 
tesy. 

A  gentleman  will  always  promptly  accept  or 
decline  an  invitation  to  anything.  It  was  once 
an  unsettled  question  whether  or  not  receptions, 
kettledrums,  and  the  like  gatherings,  required 
the  formality  of  a  reply.  That  vague  doubt  is 
terminated.  Every  invitation  should  be  answered, 
and  then  there  can  be  no  misunderstanding.  It 
is  not  much  for  the  busiest  of  young  men  to  do 
this,  since  the  post  is  the  acceptable  and  prompt 
medium  for  this  sort  of  interchange  of  civilities. 

If  he  receives  a  card  which  introduces  an- 
other gentleman  to  him,  it  is  accompanied  by 
the  card  of  the  gentleman  who  makes  the  intro- 
duction. This  is  very  properly  delivered  by  the 
postal  service,  because  etiquette  between  gentle- 
men permits  it ;  but  he  must  recognize  its  recep- 
tion in  person  within  three  days,  or,  in  case  of 
inevitable  failure  to  do  this,  he  must  send  a  card 
by  special  messenger,  with  explanation  and  the 
offer  of  such  courtesies  as  are  possible  to  him, 
provided,  of  course,  the  introducing  person  be 
entitled  to  Mich  consideration.     After  an  inter- 


CARD  ETIQUETTE  FOR   GENTLEMEN.     65 

change  of  these  paper  civilities,  the  acquaintance 
may  proceed,  or  cease,  without  unpleasant  feel- 
ings upon  either  side,  provided  the  receiver  of 
the  introductory  card  is  satisfied  that  he  owes 
no  more  than  this  to  the  presenting  person  who 
sent  the  stranger  to  him.  If  an  acquaintance 
be  formed  that  is  agreeable,  the  receiving  gen- 
tleman must  ofTer  the  first  hospitable  courtesies 
before  he  can  accept  any  from  his  friend's 
friend.  If  the  latter  depart  from  town  after 
these  formalities,  he  must  leave  his  parting  card 
on  the  eve  of  going  away.  Whenever  he  returns 
to  the  city  again,  he  may,  if  he  desires,  send  his 
own  card,  and  expect  no  recognition  of  its  ar- 
rival. If  it  is  noticed,  he  maybe  convinced  that 
it  is  for  his  own  sake  that  the  meagre  acquaint- 
ance is  revived  and  kept  warm.  A  gentleman 
will  always  leave  a  card  for  a  bereaved  friend, 
and  in  whatever  other  delicate  and  sympathetic 
ways  that  are  possible  to  him  he  may  show  his 
comprehension  of  the  sorrow ;  but  it  must  be  a 
very  familiar  friendship  indeed  that  permits  him 
to  write  of  it,  or  to  speak  of  it  when  they  meet. 
The  days  of  agonizing  letters  of  condolence  are 


66  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

happily  past.  Etiquette  now  permits  the  wounds 
of  the  heart  to  heal,  without  bruising  and  rend- 
ing them  by  long  letters  of  sympathy. 

A  gentleman  never  makes  a  formal  call  with- 
out asking  to  see  all  the  ladies  of  the  family. 
He  sends  in  or  leaves  his  card  for  each  indivi- 
dual. If  he  be  calling  upon  a  young  lady  who 
is  a  guest  in  a  household  with  whom  he  has  no 
acquaintance,  he  must  ask  to  see  her  hostess  at 
the  same  time,  and  also  send  her  his  card.  This 
hostess  of  his  friend  may  decline  interrupting 
his  visit  with  her  presence,  but  it  is  considered 
elegant  and  hospitable  for  her  to  descend  before 
his  visit  terminates,  to  assure  him  that  her 
guest's  friends  are  welcome  to  her  house. 

When  he  desires  to  see  a  lady  whom  he 
meets  in  society,  she  may,  if  the  acquaintance 
warrants  it,  and  she  has  been  out  in  society  one 
full  season,  receive  him  without  the  presence  of 
her  mother  or  chaperon,  and  he  may  not  construe 
this  informality  into  an  indelicacy.  It  is  a 
standard  of  social  freedom  that  is  proper  to  an 
.  and  should  not  be  criticised. 

The  mother  is   likely  to  excuse   herself.      She 


CARD  ETIQUETTE  FOR   GENTLEMEN.     G7 

knows  the  constantly-expressed  desire  to  see 
herself  is  complimentary  and  respectful,  and  as 
such  the  well-bred  lady  usually  receives  it ;  but 
should  she  appear,  and  remain  during  the  entire 
visit,  all  the  same,  he  must  be  agreeable  to  her, 
and  ask  for  her  every  time  he  calls.  If  her  pres- 
ence is  unsatisfactory  to  the  daughter,  they  two 
can  arrange  these  social  affairs  between  them- 
selves. The  visitor  cannot  be  released  from  the 
obligations  which  strict  etiquette  has  laid  upon 
him.  And  besides,  if  the  mother  be  the  cultured 
and  elegant  conversationist  that  time  and  supe- 
rior social  intercourse  should  have  produced, 
she  will  elevate  the  tone  of  the  visit,  and  lend  to 
it  a  charm  that  is  impossible  to  youth. 

A  thoroughbred  lady  knows  when  her  pres- 
ence is  a  blessing  and  a  pleasure  to  young  peo- 
ple, and  also  when  it  serves  as  a  flaming  sword, 
which  is  disguised  as  an  elegant  woman  of  soci- 
ety. If  the  mother  be  a  superior  lady,  and  re- 
main to  absorb  the  conversation,  she  is  either 
one  or  the  other — a  charm  or  a  protector — and 
it  is  for  the  visitor  to  decide  for  himself  in  which 
character  she  hovers  about   her  daughter  during 


68  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

his  visits.     The  earlier  he  discovers  her  reasons 
for  remaining,  the  better  for  all. 

If  a  gentleman  have  sisters  or  daughters,  he 
will  consider  these  rigid  rules  none  too  severe. 
The  man  who  quarrels  with  them,  or  with  their 
enforcement,  is  just  the  person  for  whom  they 
were  established  by  those  who,  by  reason  of 
superior  social  position,  experience,  and  refined 
culture,  have  combined  to  ordain  them. 


VIII. 

MORNING    RECEPTIONS    AND    KETTLE-DRUMS. 

A  reception  may  be  a  very  ceremonious 
entertainment,  with  elaborate  and  expensive  ap- 
pointments, or  it  may  be  very  simple  and  yet 
altogether  elegant.  The  latter  style  of  receiving 
has  borrowed  an  English  name,  by  which  it  is 
frequently  called,  to  distinguish  it  from  those 
more  costly  hospitalities  which  are  becoming 
less  and  less  fashionable  in  New  York  every 
succeeding  season.  It  is  often  mentioned  as  a 
"  kettle-drum,"  because  it  is  said  to  have  origi- 
nated in  garrisons,  where  officers  and  their  wives, 
who  have  been  accustomed  to  elegances,  are 
compelled  to  extend  only  the  most  informal  of 
courtesies,  owing  to  the  necessary  limitations 
of  camp  life.  They  cannot  provide  sumptuous 
refreshments  and  expensive  table  service  when 
they  invite  their  friends  upon  stated  occasions. 
The  fascinations  which  this  enforced  absence  of 


70  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

troublesome  and  costly  elaborateness  possesses 
for  civilians,  who  sometimes  imagine  that  they 
are  compelled  to  bear  the  many  burdens  of  os- 
tentation, have  combined  with  the  picturesque- 
ness  of  these  social  enjoyments  in  camp  to 
bring  the  "  kettle-drum  "  into  general  favor  with 
fashionable  people. 

The  name  "  kettle-drum  M  signifies  to  a  New- 
Yorker  a  light  entertainment,  with  demi-toilette 
for  both  ladies  and  gentlemen.  It  is  claimed 
that  a  drum-head  often  served  instead  of  a  tea- 
tray  at  these  delightful  garrison  sociabilities  in 
England  and  the  East  Indies  ;  and  since  this  in- 
formal service  of  tea  has  become  popular  in 
metropolitan  society,  some  of  our  ladies  have 
provided  fanciful  suggestions  of  these  original 
afternoon  parties  in  camp.  Sometimes  a  tiny 
drum  is  beaten  at  intervals  in  the  vicinity  of  the 
tea-table,  where  a  lady  of  the  household,  or  a 
favorite  friend,  presides. 

Sometimes  a  bright  young  lady,  costumed 
prettily  as  a  vivandtire,  sits  or  stands  by  the  tea- 
urn  as  its  presiding  genius;  but  these  pictu- 
resque additions  to  an  ordinary  afternoon  recep- 


AFTERNOON  RECEPTIONS.  71 

tion  are  not  to  be  considered  in  the  light  of 
customs,  but  simply  as  pretty  caprices,  calcu- 
lated to  give  vivacity  to  the  entertainment, 
which  any  lady  may  adopt. 

Many  leaders  of  society  choose  the  "  kettle- 
drum "  style  of  welcoming  their  friends,  because 
their  husbands  dislike  general  gatherings,  or  are 
too  weary  or  too  absorbed  to  assist  in  entertain- 
ing evening  guests.  It  is  simply  an  "  at  home  " 
in  the  daytime,  or,  as  some  ladies  have  lately 
styled  it,  "a  social  matine'e"  the  word  matinee  by 
general  license  being  interpreted  to  mean  occa- 
sions by  daylight  as  distinguished  from  those  at 
night. 

An  elaborate  reception  is  preceded  by  a  visit 
or  a  call  by  card  upon  all  acquaintances  to 
whom  the  hostess  is  indebted  for  formal  civil- 
ities. Her  invitations  are  issued  in  her  own 
name,  with  the  addition  beneath  it,  if  she 
chooses,  of  daughter  or  friend,  provided  she 
proposes  to  be  assisted  in  her  entertainment  by 
another,  or  if  she  desires  it  to  be  understood  as 
an  introduction  of  a  stranger  into  her  circle  of 
society,   or    possibly   it   is   a   compliment   to   a 


72  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

favorite   acquaintance.     The  following  are   the 
usual  forms  of  card  : 

18  West  Moore  Street. 
MR.    AND    MRS.    JOHN    TALLMAN 

request  the  pleasure  of  your  presence 

on  Wednesday  evening,  December  tenth, 

from  eight  until  eleven  o'clock. 

Or, 

No.  25  North  Street. 

MRS.    R.    H.    GOODMAN. 
MISS    GOODMAN. 
Wednesday,  December  te?zth. 
Tea  at  four  o'clock. 

The  "  at  home  "  is  seldom  engraved  upon  a 
reception-card  for  a  simple  entertainment,  unless 
it  be  after  a  wedding.  If  a  series  of  receptions 
are  to  be  given,  the  lower  line  on  the  left  of  the 
card  may  be  simply  : 

Tuesdays  in  December, 
from  three  to  seven  o'clock. 

These  cards  are  sent  in  two  envelopes ;  but 
less  formal  receptions  or  "  at  homes  "  may  be 
signified  by  writing  the  day  or  days  and   hours 


AFTERNOON  RECEPTIONS.  73 

for  receiving  upon  the  left  corners  of  visiting- 
cards,  and  possibly  adding  "at  five  o'clock." 
These  are  sent  by  post  in  a  single  wrapper.  If 
two  or  more  ladies  are  to  receive  with  the 
hostess,  their  cards  may  or  may  not  be  inclosed 
with  that  of  the  lady  of  the  house,  according  to 
inclination. 

At  the  ceremonious  or  grand  reception,  a 
carpet,  and  perhaps  an  awning,  is  stretched  from 
the  door  to  the  curbstone.  A  serving-man,  in 
dress  suit  and  fresh  white  thread  gloves,  stands 
by  the  halting-place  of  the  carriage,  to  open  the 
carriage-door,  and  to  assist  those  ladies  to  alight 
who  are  accompanied  by  no  gentleman  or  no 
footman  of  their  own.  The  luxury  of  an  extra 
man  upon  the  box  of  the  carriage  to  perform 
this  service  is  an  exception  rather  than  a  rule  in 
New  York  ;  therefore  the  entertainer  is  careful 
to  provide  a  person  to  do  this  service  for  her 
guests.  In  afternoon  gatherings,  gentlemen  are 
seldom  able  to  accompany  the  ladies  of  their 
households,  therefore  this  serving-man  is  in 
greater  request  at  the  arrival  and  dismissal  of 
carriages  than  he  is  at  evening  entertainments. 


74  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

He  provides  the  alighting  lady  with  the  number 
of  her  carriage  as  it  is  fixed  in  the  order  of  her 
arrival,  and  the  same  is  given  to  her  driver,  so 
that  he  shall  know  when  she  asks  for  him,  and 
he  is  called  for  by  this  very  useful  and,  indeed, 
necessary  out-of-door  attendant. 

Another  man,  or  it  may  just  as  well  be  a 
woman,  awaits  the  arrivals,  and  opens  the  door 
without  waiting  for  the  bell  to  be  touched.  She 
receives  the  cards  of  the  entering  guests  and 
directs  the  ladies  to  a  dressing-room ;  also  the 
gentleman,  if  he  happens  to  be  chivalric  enough 
to  present  himself  in  the  daytime  ;  but,  more 
than  likely,  they  will  not  desire  to  overlook  or 
rearrange  their  toilets.  Few  ladies  care  to 
lay  aside  their  handsome  visiting-wraps  and 
dress  bonnets,  and  the  gentleman  may  retain  his 
hat  in  his  hand,  if  he  chooses,  unless  there  be  a 
crush,  when  safety  to  the  form  of  this  important 
article  of  dress,  as  well  as  convenience  to  the 
crowd,  suggests  that  he  deposit  it  in  the  room 
appointed  for  its  care. 

A  lady  guest  enters  the  salon  on  the  gentle- 
man's right  side,  or,  if  she  be  a  chaperon,  and 


AFTERNOON  RECEPTIONS.  ?5 

there  be  no  gentleman,  she  approaches  the  host- 
ess with  her  charge  at  her  right,  as  if  she  were  a 
gentleman.  After  a  very  brief  interchange  of 
the  usual  salutations  and  inquiries,  the  guests 
pass  on  to  give  place  to  others.  It  is  very  in- 
considerate to  engage  in  any  conversation  be- 
yond this  with  those  who  are  receiving. 

Half  an  hour  is  quite  long  enough  to  remain 
in  crowded  drawing-rooms.  It  is  kindness  to 
the  hostess  to  make  a  space  for  her  many  ac- 
quaintances, and  it  is  possible  discomfort  to 
remain,  unless  there  is  some  special  entertain- 
ment, such  as  vocal  music  or  the  dance.  The 
gentleman  sometimes  accepts  coffee,  etc.,  but  he 
is  a  rare  man  who  so  dishonors  his  dinner  as  to 
eat  at  a  mid-afternoon  party.  A  lady  seldom 
refuses  an  ice  or  oysters,  and  not  infrequently 
she  partakes  heartily  of  a  sumptuous  entertain- 
ment. Of  course  the  table  has  been  spread  with 
delicacies,  that  they  might  be  eaten  by  whoever 
could  enjoy  them,  and  it  is  altogether  proper  to 
eat ;  but,  that  few  of  our  fashionables  accustom 
themselves  to  accept  rich  food  at  this  hour  of 
the  day,  is  all  the  information   intended  to  be 


76  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

conveyed  by  these  remarks.  It  is  possible  that 
an  indifference  to  food  in  the  intervals  of  regular 
luncheons  and  dinners  has  assisted  to  popular- 
ize a  simpler  provision  for  the  palate  at  recep- 
tions. 

If  there  be  dancing,  as  is  provided  not  in- 
frequently in  very  large  houses,  and  is  sometimes 
mentioned  on  the  corner  of  the  card,  a  band  of 
music  is  stationed  as  remotely  as  possible  from 
the  hostess,  so  that  it  shall  not  interfere  with  her 
conversation,  and  the  ladies  and  gentlemen  who 
are  fond  of  dancing  of  course  seek  the  dressing- 
room,  in  which  to  deposit  their  inconvenient 
outer  wraps,  etc.  The  hostess  cannot  leave  her 
position  to  dance,  but  her  daughters  may  do  so 
during  the  latter  part  of  the  afternoon.  It  is  not 
uncommon  for  the  hostess  to  invite  a  few  young 
people  by  special  note,  to  remain  and  dance 
after  the  hours  mentioned  in  the  invitation,  the 
refreshment-table  providing  them  with  an  in- 
formal dinner.  She  may,  if  she  chooses,  make 
this  request  verbally  during  the  reception. 

Ices,  coffee,  chocolate,  tea,  or  wine,  with 
fancy  cakes  or  dainty  sandwiches,  etc.,  etc.,  may 


AFTERNOON  RECEPTIONS.  77 

be  passed  to  such  guests  as  do  not  care  to  go  to 
the  refreshment-room  for  more  substantial  lux- 
uries. 

At  a  "kettle-drum,"  after  the  formal  salu- 
tations are  made,  if  there  be  not  a  crowd  of 
guests,  a  tray  with  tea,  cream,  and  sugar  is  pre- 
sented almost  immediately  by  a  domestic,  and 
another  servant  offers  simple  refreshments  to 
accompany  it.  If  the  rooms  be  filled,  the  guest 
is  asked  to  seek  tea  at  the  table  where  it  is 
served.  Some  hostesses  invite  a  bevy  of  young 
society  girls  of  their  acquaintance  to  serve  her 
guests  with  tea  and  refreshments,  and  to  enter- 
tain them  while  they  are  eating ;  and  they  often 
wear  coquettish  caps,  pretty  aprons,  and  short 
dresses,  to  show  their  slippers  and  gay  stockings. 

It  is  not  expected  that  a  ceremonious  leave- 
taking  will  precede  the  departure  of  guests,  es- 
pecially if  the  drawing-rooms  are  still  well  filled. 
The  omission  of  this  formality  is  not  only  not  a 
discourtesy,  but  it  is  a  real  kindness.  If  the 
reception  be  a  grand  and  elaborate  one,  after- 
calls  are  de  rigueur;  but  if  it  be  an  informal  one, 
a  "kettle-drum,"  or  a  social  matinee,  after-calls 


78  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

are  not  expected.  Indeed,  this  reception  is 
scarce  more  than  a  condensation  of  calls.  Those 
who  are  not  able  to  be  present  send  their  cards 
on  the  day,  and  if  possible  during  the  reception 
hours.  They  are  laid  upon  the  hall-table  with 
those  of  persons  who  have  been  present.  In 
case  of  a  series  of  receptions,  none  of  which 
are  attended,  a  card  must  be  sent  in  to  the  last 
one  without  fail,  and  some  ladies  and  gentlemen 
carry  their  courtesy  so  far  as  to  send  their  cards 
on  each  day,  or  evening,  to  prove  that,  though 
absent,  they  do  not  forget  the  hospitality  ex- 
tended to  them. 

While  the  reception  has  been  arranged  for 
the  daytime  in  most  circles,  it  is  also  becoming 
quite  fashionable  for  the  evening,  and  its  sim- 
plicity of  detail,  etc.,  spare  it  from  the  burdens 
of  a  party.  Social  gatherings  of  this  sort  prevail 
quite  generally  among  people  of  literary  and 
artistic  tastes,  when  the  entire  evening  may  be 
spent  in  conversation,  music,  or  reading.  Hats, 
bonnets,  and  wraps  are  laid  aside,  but  the  cos- 
tume is  not  full  evening  toilet  for  the  ladies. 
The  gentleman   should  be    in  full  evening  dr 


AFTERNOON  RECEPTIONS.  79 

recent  custom  making  this  proper  for  all  evening 
gatherings.  Gloves  for  gentlemen  are  not  in- 
cumbent, as  they  once  were ;  the  latest  practice 
being  to  omit  them  on  all  occasions  save  danc- 
ing parties,  in  obedience  to  the  custom  of  Eng- 
lish gentlemen,  whose  exemplar  is  the  Prince  of 
Wales.  White  gloves  are  not  appropriate  at 
these  gatherings  for  either  ladies  or  gentlemen. 

The  hostess  rarely  introduces  people  at  these 
large  receptions,  partly  because  she  is  too  closely 
occupied  in  receiving  her  guests,  and  partly  be- 
cause it  is  not  fashionable  to  do  so  unless  re- 
quested. There  are  those  who  would  consider 
it  an  unpleasantly  officious  act  on  the  part  of  the 
hostess  to  thus  insist  upon  acquainting  them 
with  unknown,  and  possibly  unheard-of,  individ- 
uals. The  accepted  formalities  of  introduction 
in  New  York  are  fully  explained  in  another 
chapter,  and  referred  to  in  this  connection  only 
to  explain  why  they  are  even  less  frequently 
performed  at  large  and  general  receptions  than 
at  parties,  and  also  to  suggest  that  they  should 
seldom  be   expected  or  asked  for   in  crowded 

assemblies. 
6 


IX. 


GIVING    AND     ATTENDING     PARTIES,     BALLS,    AND 
GERMANS. 

The  evening  party  almost  invariably  includes 
dancing,  and  yet  it  is  considered  very  proper  to 
direct  that  the  word  dancing  be  engraved  on  the 
corner  of  the  invitation,  and  also  the  hour  of  its 
commencing.  The  ball  is,  of  course,  an  assem- 
blage exclusively  for  the  dance.  This  amuse- 
ment and  a  substantial  supper  constitute  a  ball. 
The  hour  mentioned  on  the  invitation  is  usually 
much  later  for  a  ball  than  it  is  for  a  party.  The 
former  ranges  from  half-past  nine  to  eleven 
o'clock,  though  there  are  few  entertainments  in 
New  York  which  commence  so  late  as  the  time 
last  mentioned.  From  nine  to  half-past  ten  are 
the  favorite  hours  named  in  notes  of  invitation 
to  balls.  These  notes  arc  sent  out  in  two  enve- 
lopes, from  ten  to  twenty  days  in  advance  of  the 
festivity.     The  post  is  the  safest  messenger  for 


PARTIES,  BALLS,  AND  GERMANS.        81 

them,  unless  the  lady  issuing  the  cards  can  trust 
her  own  servant.  A  single  lost  card  often  counts 
for  a  lost  friend  on  these  grand  occasions. 

The  party  note  or  card  is  issued  about  a 
week  or  ten  days  prior  to  the  appointed  evening ; 
and  unless  it  be  a  very  formal  occasion,  a  single 
envelope  is  sufficient  wrapping.  Of  course  the 
post  can  deliver  them.  The  hour  mentioned 
ranges  from  nine  to  half-past. 

The  ball  demands  the  fullest  of  toilets 
which  the  season  admits,  for  both  ladies  and 
gentlemen.  A  few  residences  only  have  ball- 
rooms attached  to  them,  because  the  limitations 
of  a  city  prevent  them  from  being  numerous. 
If  there  is  no  ballroom,  and  the  drawing-room 
is  used  instead,  a  linen  cloth  is  stretched  over 
the  carpet,  and  the  furniture  is  mostly  removed. 
Growing  flowers  are  arranged  wherever  they  can 
be  effectively  placed ;  garlands  are  hung  pictu- 
resquely, and  cut  blossoms  give  forth  their  fra- 
grance, and  add  color  and  beauty  as  lavishly  as 
the  hostess  chooses  to  provide.  The  supper- 
room  is  arranged  with  choice  articles  of  food, 
both  cold  and  hot.  and  is  usually  opened  at  half- 


82  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

past  twelve  or  one  o'clock.  But  there  are  light 
refreshments,  also  drinks  to  satisfy  the  varied 
tastes  of  a  large  company,  such  as  coffee,  choco- 
late, lemonade,  bouillon;  and  most  likely  punches 
and  wines  are  accessible  during  the  entire  ball. 
Waltzing  goes  on  at  intervals  until  supper  is 
announced,  and  immediately  after  the  German 
cotillon  is  danced.  Square  dances,  so  called, 
are  now  almost  wholly  out  of  fashion. 

The  hostess  sends  out  her  invitations  to 
either  ball  or  party  after  calling  by  card  or  in 
person  upon  all  her  proposed  guests  to  whom  she 
is  socially  indebted.  They  are  handsomely  en- 
graved in  script,  and  issued  in  her  own  name  for 
a  ball,  but  in  both  her  own  and  her  husband's 
name  for  a  party. 

The  following  is  the  fashionable  formula  for 
the  ball  : 

MRS.    FARQUHAR    ALEXANDER 
requests  the  pleasure  of  your  / res 
o)i  Thursday  evening,  December  fifths 

at  half -past  nine  o'clock. 

t^  28  Nottingham  Tlnce. 

I  Uncmg.  ^ 

The    party   invitation   not    only   indicates  an 


PARTIES,  BALLS,  AND  GERMANS.       83 

earlier  hour  for  arriving,  but  instead  of  the  sim- 
ple word  dancing  in  the  left  corner  it  may  be 
engraved  dancing  at  eleven. 

Of  course  this  invitation  must  be  accepted  or 
declined  within  two  or  three  days  after  its  re- 
ception. The  form  of  acceptance  or  regret  is 
written  in  the  name  or  names  of  the  party  in- 
vited : 

MR.    AND    MRS.    R.    V.    TORRINGTON 

accept  with  pleasure  [or  decline  with  sincere  regret] 

Mrs.    Farquhar    Alexander's 

kind  invitation  for  January  third. 

Nottingham  Place. 

An  awning  to  shelter  the  guests  from  their 
carriage  to  the  vestibule,  and  a  carpet  for  them 
to  tread  upon  from  the  curbstone  to  the  hall, 
are  provided  at  all  balls,  parties,  and  so-called 
"  Germans  " — (a  term  sometimes  used  to  des- 
ignate a  party  in  which  this  dance  is  the 
main  feature) — and,  indeed,  wherever  ladies  in 
full  dress  are  expected.  A  serving-man  is  sta- 
tioned at  the  proper  place  to  open  the  carriage- 
door,  number  the  carriage,  and  give  the  figures 
that  it  represents,  printed  upon  a  card,  in  the 


84  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

order  of  its  arrival,  to  both  driver  and  occu- 
pants ;  so  that  when  it  is  wanted  it  can  be  easily 
secured,  without  the  unpleasantness  of  hearing 
the  name  of  its  owner  called  out  through  the 
darkness.  Another  servant  opens  the  vestibule 
door  without  waiting  for  the  bell  to  be  sounded, 
and  he  immediately  directs  the  guests  to  their 
respective  dressing-rooms.  Now,  just  at  this 
point  arises  a  question  which  has  long  been  in 
dispute,  and  it  may  be  settled  at  once  :  "  Which 
side  of  the  stairway,  the  rail  or  the  wall,  should 
be  accorded  to  a  lady  ?" 

It  has  been  discussed  by  gentlemen,  as  if  it 
were  a  matter  for  them  to  decide,  which  it  is 
not,  by  any  means.  Such  ladies  as  have  been 
given  their  choice  have  invariably  said  :  "  Permit 
me  to  take  your  left  arm  with  my  right  hand, 
and  it  does  not  matter  whether  it  is  wall  or  rail 
that  I  am  nearest  in  going  up  or  down  stairs.  I 
(  an  better  care  for  myself  than  you  can  i 
for  me." 

Sometimes    the    turning    or    curving   of    the 
s<,  narrows  the  steps  on  the  rail  ride 

to  make   them    dangerous   to   heedless   feet.      In 


PARTIES,  BALLS,  AND  GERMANS.        85 

such  a  case  a  lady  must  cling  to  the  arm  of  her 
escort,  or  else  clasp  the  rail  with  her  fresh  and 
tightly-fitting  gloves,  which  last  she  is  never 
willing  to  do  if  she  can  avoid  it. 

Of  course  a  gentleman  cannot  always  wait  to 
examine  the  architectural  peculiarities  of  a  stair- 
way before  he  decides  which  arm  will  best 
satisfy  the  lady  whom  he  desires  to  benefit.  He 
is  safe  in  offering  her  his  left.  If  she  declines 
assistance,  she  will  choose  which  part  of  the 
stairs  she  likes  best  to  ascend,  and  the  gentle- 
man will  precede  her  by  two  or  three  steps.  On 
going  down  he  is  always  slightly  in  advance  of 
her.  This  arrangement  settles  the  question  sat- 
isfactorily to  the  ladies,  and  gentlemen  really 
have  no  right  to  a  choice  in  this  matter. 

A  lady  may,  and,  indeed,  she  usually  does, 
carry  her  bouquet  (and  her  fan,  also,  if  it  be  not 
suspended  by  a  chatelaine,  which  it  usually  is)  in 
the  hand  which  rests  for  support  upon  the  arm 
of  her  escort,  thus  leaving  her  left  free  to  pro- 
tect her  train,  provided  she  desires  to  lift  it  from 
the  tread  of  heedless  or  crowding  feet. 

The  wife  enters  a  drawing-room  on  the  hus- 


86  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

band's  right,  or,  if  the  lady  be  not  married,  then 
the  eldest  lady  occupies  this  position,  provided 
there  be  more  than  one  accompanying  a  gentle- 
man. Oftener  than  otherwise,  the  lady  of  to-day 
does  not  lean  upon  the  arm  of  her  escort,  but 
advances  into  the  salon  unassisted.  Indeed,  the 
ancient  custom  is  falling  into  disuse  in  our 
fashionable  society. 

The  lady  precedes  a  gentleman  by  a  step  or 
two,  when  entering  or  passing  out  from  an  apart- 
ment, provided  she  does  not  retain  his  arm.  In 
the  highest  circles  in  France,  the  lady  enters 
several  steps  in  advance  of  the  gentleman  at  a 
formal  reception.  Our  custom  of  precedence  is 
not  quite  so  pronounced  as  that.  Possibly,  the 
French  lady  is  permitted  this  form  of  superiority 
in  society  because  she  really  possesses  so  little 
genuine  consideration  elsewhere. 

After  the  usual  greetings  with  the  hostess,  the 
guests  walk  about,  find  friends,  etc.,  until  the 
young  ladies  have  accepted  partners  for  the 
dance.  An  applicant  for  this  honor  and  pleas- 
ure is  always  careful  to  recognize  the  office  and 
authority  of  the  chaperon  when   making  his  re- 


PARTIES,  BALLS,  AND  GERMANS.        87 

quest.  This  is  considered  no  more  respect  than 
is  due  to  the  lady  who  has  kindly  undertaken  the 
care  of  a  young  lady  at  a  ball. 

The  gentleman  returns  the  lady  directly  to 
'  the  care  of  her  married  or  her  older  lady  friend, 
as  soon  as  the  dance  is  finished.  He  may  linger 
here  to  converse  with  her,  but  not  elsewhere,  ac- 
cording to  the  usages  of  our  best  society. 

It  is  customary  for  both  ladies  to  visit  the 
supper-room  with  the  gentleman  with  whom  the 
young  lady  has  last  been  dancing,  and  with 
whom  she  may  be  still  chatting  at  the  side  of 
her  chaperon  when  this  welcome  moment  has 
arrived  :  of  course,  provided  he  is  at  liberty  to 
offer  his  services  to  them.  No  observable  disin- 
clination to  accept  this  escort  is  possible  on  her 
part,  no  matter  what  previous  anticipations  she 
may  have  indulged.  A  private  ball  is  not  a  small 
coterie  to  which  a  lady  may  have  been  escorted 
without  a  chaperon,  by  an  intimate  gentleman 
friend,  to  whom  she  is  to  look  for  the  civilities  of 
the  supper-table.  A  ball  is  too  formal  a  place 
for  any  one  to  indulge  in  personal  preferences 
of  any  kind.     Even  if  a  gentleman  be  of  the 


88  SOCIAL   ETIQUETTE, 

lady's  own  party,  and  went  to  the  ball  in  the 
same  carriage  with  her,  she  cannot  refuse  the 
offer  of  another  gentleman's  arm  to  the  supper- 
room  in  company  with  her  mamma  or  her  mar- 
ried lady  friend.  A  gentleman  is  not  as  free  as 
the  lady  at  this  moment.  If  he  accompanies  a 
lady  or  party  of  ladies,  he  must  first  be  certain 
that  they  are  properly  attended  at  this  im- 
portant moment,  before  he  can  offer  his  services 
to  others.  If  it  be  possible,  he  is  near  enough 
to  them  at  this  hour  to  offer  his  services  to  them, 
but  this  is  not  always  convenient.  As  at  these 
entertainments  there  is  provided  what  the  Eng- 
lish call  a  "  stand-up  supper,"  the  gentleman  es- 
cort is  careful  to  see  that  his  ladies  are  fully 
served  before  he  refreshes  himself..  A  lady  cannot 
accept  the  attentions  of  any  other  gentleman  in 
the  supper-room,  except  the  host,  or  some  other 
member  of  his  family.  If  her  escort  be  forget- 
ful of  her  requirements,  she  must  ask  a  servant 
only  for  whatever  she  may  want. 

These  formalities  of  a  private  ball  apply  also 
to  a  public  entertainment  for  dancing,  and  they 
must   be   f  1    in    the   latter  case  with  even 


PARTIES,  BALLS,  AND  GERMANS.       89 

severer  strictness.  Among  the  few  liberties  which 
a  young  lady  enjoys  at  a  public  entertainment  is 
the  privilege  of  refusing  to  dance  with  such  ap- 
plicants for  this  honor  as  she  chooses  to  disre- 
gard. Of  course  she  does  this  courteously  and 
gently  ;  but  one  must  be  a  young  lady  to  under- 
stand the  full  delight  of  this  permission.  If  she 
refuses  an  invitation  to  dance  at  a  private  ball, 
as  has  been  mentioned,  she  loses  the  dance  alto- 
gether, and  must  sit  all  through  its  bewildering 
and  inviting  music.  Balls  terminate  by  two  or 
three  o'clock. 

At  a  party,  dancing  seldom  begins  until  after 
supper,  as  the  cards  will  suggest.  Conversation, 
music,  etc.,  occupy  the  earlier  part  of  the  even- 
ing, and  the  dancing  is  ended  and  all  depart- 
ures are  made  by  one  o'clock  at  the  latest. 

The  "  German  "  differs  very  little  in  its  eti- 
quette from  that  of  the  party.  The  leader  of  the 
dance  is  to  be  selected  with  discretion  by  the 
hostess,  and  the  favors,  which  are  always  pro- 
vided for  the  dancers,  are  chosen  with  individual 
and  refined  taste,  always  avoiding  ostentatious 
display.     The  hostess  is  attentive  to  the  ladies, 


90  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

observing  if  any  timid  or  unattractive  guest  re- 
ceives a  noticeably  small  number  of  these  trifles. 
With  tact  she  quietly  provides  her  with  dances 
that  shall  make  all  favors  as  nearly  equal  as  is 
possible  upon  such  occasions  of  competition. 

Generally  the  early  part  of  the  evening  is 
spent  with  the  waltz,  and  after  supper  the  "  Ger- 
man." Of  course,  nobody  gives  a  "German" 
without  being  familiar  with  all  the  necessary  and 
peculiar  etceteras,  which  it  is  not  in  the  province 
of  etiquette  to  explain.  The  card  of  invitation 
is  usually  like  that  of  a  party,  "The  German" 
being  engraved  on  the  left-hand  corner,  with  the 
hour  when  the  dance  is  to  commence.  This 
mention  of  the  time  for  opening  this  peculiar 
dance  will  be  appreciated  by  all  who  are  familiar 
with  its  requirements.  If  a  coterie  meets  for 
practising  the  "  German,"  it  is  customary  for 
each  lady  member  to  invite  all  the  members  to 
her  own  house  in  turn,  and  as  many  other  guests 
as  is  agreed  upon  by  by-laws,  from  among  her 
own  particular  friends.  The  cards  of  the  coterie 
are  engraved  in  script,  and  the  monogram  se- 
lected for  it   is  upon  the  envelope.      The  follow- 


PARTIES,  BALLS,  AND  GERMANS.        91 

ing  is  the  customary  form,  the  card  being  issued 
in  the  name  of  the  young  lady's  mother  : 

MRS.  


requests  the  pleasure  of  your  presence 
at  a  meeting  of"  the  German" 
Tuesday  evening, 


at  half-past  eight  o'clock. 

Calls  to  return  thanks,  offer  congratulations, 
and  for  inquiries,  are  made  upon  the  hostess  on 
the  first  of  her  regular  reception  days  after  re- 
ceiving her  hospitalities,  or  after  being  com- 
pelled to  decline  her  courtesy.  If  she  have  no 
fixed  time  for  receiving,  a  visit  should  be  made, 
or  cards  left  for  her,  within  ten  days  after  the 
festivity. 


DINNER     GIVING     AND     DINING     OUT. 

The  history  of  an  unknown  civilization  might 
be  read  in  the  bill  of  its  fare,  and  in  the  forms 
of  its  feasting.  We  need  not  search  beyond  the 
conventionalities  of  the  banquet  to  inform  our- 
selves of  the  subtlest  perfections  of  refined  taste, 
or  of  a  supreme  barbarism.  Between  these  two 
extremes  stretch  vast  and  varied  areas  of  les- 
sening skill,  or  of  decreasing  vulgarity,  no  grade 
of  which  is  indistinguishable.  Individual  awk- 
wardness and  stupidity  fail  to  exercise  the  re- 
finements of  the  era,  and  by  this  test  the  meas- 
urement of  its  advancement  toward  superiority 
is  exact  and  trustworthy.  Not  that  superior 
methods  of  eating  are  the  highest  of  accomplish- 
ments by  any  means,  but  they  are  trustworthy 
indicators  of  indwelling  tendencies  and  develop- 
ments. 

There  are  those  who  reject  the  highest  forms 


DINNER   GIVING  AND  DINING   OUT.     93 

of  social  etiquette  through  an  assumed  superior- 
ity to  fixed  rules ;  but  an  isolated  case  of  ab- 
sence of  good  manners,  and  of  high  forms  of 
conduct,  proves  nothing,  and,  as  a  modern 
writer  declares,  "  should  be  attributed  to  a  per- 
sonal incapacity  for  appreciating  them." 

A  tendency  toward  originality  in  individual 
cases  might  increase  the  charm  of  social  inter- 
course, and  ultimately  lead  to  superior  and  more 
attractive  formalities  ;  but  we  have  arrived  at  a 
sufficiently  excellent  standard  in  etiquette  to 
satisfy  the  most  fastidious  of  dinner-givers  and 
diners-out,  especially  when  we  remember  that 
aiming  at  the  possible  in  these  critical  affairs  is 
a  dangerous  experiment.  Inharmony  is  never 
beautiful,  although  originality  may  be,  and  safety 
is  to  be  found  only  in  established  formalities. 

Pendent  as  we  have  been  between  the  Eng- 
lish style  of  entertaining,  which  is  a  massive  so- 
lidity, and  the  lighter  and  more  graceful  French, 
we  are  no  longer  vibrating.  We  have  rested 
ourselves  upon  a  standard  that  is  largely  our 
own,  although,  like  our  legal  statutes,  our  social 
regulations  have  been  formulated  from  such  of 


94  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

the  habits  of  both  nations  as  are  adaptable  to 
ourselves.  As  we  had  neither  royalty  nor  rank  to 
decide  these  matters  for  us,  the  time  consumed 
in  the  adjustment  of  our  social  affairs  was,  very 
naturally,  extended  through  many  years.  We 
became  weary  of  being  asked,  "  How  do  you 
do  these  things  in  America?  "when  we  had  no 
proper  reply  to  make.  "  I  suppose  you  have  a 
best  society,  and  I  would  like,  you  know,  to  un- 
derstand how  you  regulate  it.  Does  anybody 
possess  a  right  of  precedence  at  a  dinner-party?" 
inquired  a  small,  but  not  intentionally  imperti- 
nent, "  my  lord  "  not  many  years  since.  "  I 
don't  suppose  you  feel  settled  in  social  matters," 
he  went  on  to  say,  as  if  he  intended  good-na- 
turedly to  apologize  for  all  the  social  barbarities 
which  he  had  traversed  the  sea  to  witness,  and 
the  entire  absence  of  which  would  doubtless 
have  disappointed  him. 

"  Indeed,  we  do  have  a  best  society,  and 
most  excellent  it  is,  too,  because  we  recognize 
superiority  without  consulting  a  Doomsday-book. 
We  know  exactly  what  to  do  for  ourselves  and 
for   our    visitors,"  was    the    prompt    answer.      Of 


DIXXER  GIVIXG  AXD  DIXIXG   OUT,      95 

course  this  reply  was  part  pride  and  part  truth, 
and  the  former  sentiment  was  made  just  sore 
enough  to  compel  us  to  seek  after  a  protection 
against  future  hurts  of  this  sort,  which  might  be 
inflicted  by  the  semi-contempt  of  a  traditional 
nobility. 

The  lady  who  purposes  to  give  a  dinner- 
party, or  a  series  of  parties,  is  exceedingly  care- 
ful to  catalogue  all  the  names  to  whom  she  de- 
sires to  extend  the  hospitalities  of  her  house. 
From  all  these  she  selects  and  groups  those  who 
will  affect  each  other  pleasantly,  either  by  reason 
of  positive  sympathy,  or  by  an  agreeable  con- 
trast of  tastes,  interests,  or  sentiments.  The 
differences  in  social  conditions  often  go  far  tow- 
ard deciding  upon  the  groups,  but  latterly  intel- 
lectual attainments  have  established  a  higher 
grade  of  position,  and  the  combinations  of  guests 
are  based  upon  mental  accomplishments,  instead 
of  family  connection.  In  either  case  the  eti- 
quette is  the  same.  As  we  have  no  real  distinc- 
tions of  birth,  and  find  ourselves  affected  by  the 
traditional  customs  of  our  ancestry,  we  too  often 
hunt  after  a  lion  or  a  lioness  as  a  motive  for  a 
7 


96  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

feast,  because  this  person  or  personage  will  make 
the  formalities  of  the  occasion  less  difficult  of 
settlement.  This  hero  may  not  be  eminent  to  a 
startling  degree,  but  all  the  same  his  presence 
settles  beyond  question  who  is  to  go  in  to  dinner 
with  the  host  or  hostess,  and  this  decision  assists 
the  timid  entertainers  amazingly.  Sometimes  it 
is  the  birthday  of  the  honored  guest,  the  return 
of  a  bridal  party,  a  reentrance  into  society 
after  an  illness,  or  following  a  sorrowful  retire- 
ment from  gayety ;  or  it  may  be  the  celebration 
of  an  achievement,  literary,  artistic,  political,  or 
financial ;  but  being  a  decided  something  to 
distinguish  a  single  individual,  and  to  hang  upon 
him  or  her,  a  reason  for  receiving  precedence 
over  all  others  on  this  occasion  of  feasting,  she 
is  escorted  by  the  host  to  the  table,  and  placed 
at  his  right  hand  ;  but  if  the  honored  guest  be  a 
gentleman,  or  the  husband  of  the  honored  lady 
guest,  he  goes  in  to  dinner  with  the  hostess,  and 
sits  upon  her  right  hand. 

If  there  really  is  no  person  to  whom  an  espe- 
cial attention  is  to  be  shown,  the  eldest  lady 
(provided  she   is  old  enough  to  he  proud  of  her 


DINNER   GIVING  AND  DINING  OUT.      97 

many  years),  the  wife  of  the  highest  official,  or 
of  the  most  eminent  scholar,  or  the  one  who  is 
the  greatest  stranger,  is  offered  the  arm  of  the 
host. 

To  give  the  dinner  in  honor  of  some  person, 
or  "  to  meet  "  a  particular  party,  as  the  invitation 
should  explain  (provided  the  guest  be  not  un- 
mistakably famous),  has  an  especial  advantage 
in  that  it  settles  who  shall,  and  who  need  not,  be 
present.  This  is  an  agreeable  and  easy  method  of 
disposing  of  our  first  difficulty  when  issuing  invi- 
tations. Those  who  are  not  invited,  immediately 
understand,  by  lack  of  their  own  affiliations,  why 
they  were  not  included  on  this  particular  occa- 
sion, and  they  indulge  in  no  unpleasant  specula- 
tions about  the  matter.  They  know  that,  when 
a  fitter  occasion  occurs,  their  names  will  be  prop- 
erly grouped,  according  to  their  tastes  and  as- 
sociations. No  explanation  is  necessary  from 
the  giver  of  a  dinner  to  friends  who  are  omitted. 
The  invitation  itself  is  its  own  interpretation, 
should  the  card  fall  under  the  eyes  of  those  who, 
but  for  the  "  to  meet "  upon  it,  might  feel  hurt 
by  a  suspicion  of  neglect. 


98  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

It  is  the  customary  style  of  those  who  give 
frequent  dinner-parties  to  order  their  cards  en- 
graved with  a  blank  left  for  the  written  insertion 
of  the  name  of  the  guests,  also  a  place  indicated 
for  the  date,  to  be  filled  in  at  pleasure.  Upon 
an  extra  card,  which  is  enclosed  in  the  same 
envelope,  is  written  the  following  form : 

TO   MEET 

MR.    LIVINGSTONE    LIVINGSTONE, 

Of  New  Orleans. 

If  the  dinner  be  a  very  grand  and  ceremonious 
entertainment,  and  given  to  express  respect  for  a 
well-known  individual,  and  there  is  time  for  pre- 
meditated formalities,  the  name  of  the  honored 
guest  will  be  engraved  upon  the  card  of  invi- 
tation, and  sent  out  eight  or  ten  days  in  advance 
of  the  evening.  The  replies  should  be  immedi- 
ate, so  that  vacancies  may  be  filled.  If  there  is 
the  slightest  doubt  about  being  able  to  be  pi 
ent,  the  invitation  must  be  declined.  [f  it 
accepted,  and  an  insurmountable  obstacle  comes 
in  between  the  guest  and  the  dinner,  instant  ex- 
planations must  be  made  n  empty  chair  at  a 


DIXXEJ?   GIVING  AXD  DIXIXG   OUT.       99 

•  feast  is  a  depressing  object,  and  usually  leaves 
some  lady  without  an  escort  or  some  gentleman 
alone. 

Invitations  to  a  dinner  are  always  given  in 
the  name  of  both  host  and  hostess.  If  it  be  an 
engraved  card  or  note,  the  name  of  host  and 
hostess  occupies  one  line,  extending  across  the 
card ;  the  request  follows,  in  smaller  script,  with 
the  name  of  the  invited  person  or  persons  writ- 
ten across  in  a  blank  space  arranged  by  the  en- 
graver. Below  this  are  the  date  and  hour  of  the 
dinner. 

Until  very  recently,  the  initials  R.  S.  V.  P. 
{Re'pondtz  sil  vous  plait)  have  been  engraved 
upon  all  formal  cards,  but  they  are  less  and  less 
frequently  seen.  To  thus  ask,  or  even  remind,  a 
lady  or  gentleman  that  an  invitation  should  be 
answered  is,  to  say  the  least,  a  faint  reproach 
upon  their  breeding.  All  refined  people  who 
are  accustomed  to  the  best  social  forms  are  fully 
aware  that  it  would  be  an  unpardonable  negli- 
gence to  omit  replying  to  such  an  invitation  for 
a  single  day.  Although  it  is  not  intended  as  an 
insult  to  an  acquaintance's  intelligence,  it  is  one, 


100  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE 

nevertheless.  The  only  place  where  R.  S.  V.  P. 
may  be  written,  with  strict  etiquette  and  propri- 
ety, is  to  an  informal  note,  which  the  receiver 
might  otherwise  place  among  the  unconsidered 
trifles  of  social  life,  but  which,  for  some  ade- 
quate reason,  the  sender  desires  to  have  an- 
swered. 

An  engraved  request  sent  to  an  acquaintance 
is  usually  in  one  of  the  following  styles : 

MR.    AND    MRS.    HOWARD    BELLPORT 
request  the  pleasure  of 

company 

at  di?mer  on 


187        at o'clock. 


No.  10  Capulet  Avenue. 
Or, 

MR.    AND    MRS.    HOWARD    BELLPORT 

nqucst  the  pleasure  of 

company  at  dinner, 

on -. 

at  teven  del 
No.  10  Capulet  Avenue, 

(The  word  M  company  "  is  used  in  an   invita* 


DINNER  GIVIXG  AND  DINING  OUT.     101 

tion  to  dinner,  but  "presence  "  is  preferred  in  a 
card  that  invites  a  guest  to  a  wedding.) 

The  day  of  the  week  is  written  in  letters, 
also  the  hour  ;  but  the  day  of  the  month  may  be 
in  numerals  if  preferred. 

If  it  be  an  engraved  note,  a  monogram  or  a 
crest  may  be  placed  at  the  centre  of  the  top  of 
the  sheet ;  but,  if  it  be  a  card,  it  is  considered 
more  refined  to  place  this  device  upon  the  enve- 
lope only.  Monograms  and  ciphers  are  oftener 
used  than  crests,  partly  because  we  are  really 
entitled  to  no  crest  in  this  country;  but  many 
superior  people  retain  this  family  emblem  through 
respect  for  their  ancestry,  and  without  a  thought 
of  arrogance  or  an  atom  of  unjustifiable  pride. 

If  the  dinner  is  given  in  honor  of  some  noted 
person  or  persons,  the  following  is  the  engraved 
form  of  invitation  : 

MR.    AND    MRS.    HOWARD    BELLPORT 
request  the  pleasure  of 

company  at  dinner,  on  Tuesday, 
January  20M,  at  seven  o'clock,  to  meet  the 

HON.  MR.  AND  MRS.  BROADTOP. 

No.  10  Capulet  Avenue. 


102  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

The  following  form  is  used  in  writing  an  imme- 
diate reply : 

MR.    AND    MRS.    HOBART    HARRISON 

accept  with  pleasure 

MR.   AND   MRS.    HOWARD   BELLPORT'S 

invitation  to  dinner,  at  seven  d clock,  Tuesday  evening, 

January  20///. 

If  unable  to  accept,  the  refusal  must  be  worded 
in  a  manner  expressive  of  disappointment.  The 
following  is  the  prevailing  style : 

MR.     AND     MRS.     HOBART     HARRISON 

regret  that  a  previous  engagement 

[or  illness,  or  an  unfortunate  event] 

prevents  the  acceptance  of 

MR.    AND     MRS.     HOWARD     BELLPORT'S 

invitation  for  Tuesday  evening,  January  20th, 

Of  course  the  formality  or  informality  of  the  ac- 
quaintance between  the  parties  regulates  the 
method  and  clearness  of  this  declining  of  the 
invitation. 

If  the  note  sent  in  reply  be  bordered  with 
black,  that  tells  its  own  story ;  but  there  are 
many  things  which  may  not  be  mentioned,  but 
which  make  gayeties   unwelcome  at   times,  and 


DIXXER  GIVING  AND  DINING  OCT.    103 

every  lady  with  a  sweet  temper  will  receive 
declinations  to  her  invitations  in  the  full  belief 
that  the  regret  is  genuine. 

To  be  prompt,  but  not  too  early,  to  dinner,  is 
a  rigid  necessity  that  requires  no  explanation. 
Five  or  ten  minutes  are  the  customary  interval 
between  arriving  and  the  dinner  hour.  Earlier, 
the  hostess  may  not  be  able  to  be  in  waiting  to 
welcome  her  guests.  Later  than  this,  time  for 
introductions,  and  arrangements  for  escorts  to 
the  table,  may  not  be  sufficient.  If  the  party  be 
chosen  from  those  who  are  already  acquainted 
with  each  other,  it  is  customary  for  cards  to  be 
handed  on  a  tray  to  each  gentleman  by  the 
servant  at  the  door.  He  will  select  the  one  with 
his  own  and  a  lady's  name  written  upon  it,  and, 
after  the  usual  greetings  with  host  and  hostess 
are  over,  the  guest  seeks  his  partner  and  awaits 
the  announcement  of  dinner.  If  the  guests  be 
unfamiliar  with  each  other,  the  lady,  when  re- 
ceiving them,  suggests  to  each  gentleman  his 
partner,  and  the  host  presents  him  to  this  lady, 
and  also  informs  him  if  his  place  at  the  table  be 
at  the  right  of  host  or  hostess.     This  plan  les- 


104  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

sens  the  difficulty  of  finding  assigned  positions 
at  table. 

Cards,  either  plain  or  ornamental,  according 
to  the  taste  or  the  ceremoniousness  of  the  din- 
ner, are  laid  at  each  lady's  and  gentleman's 
plate,  with  their  names  upon  them.  The  menu 
card  is  usually  hidden  beneath  it. 

The  dinner  is  announced  by  the  chief  waiter. 
He  stands  at  the  entrance  to  the  drawing-room 
which  opens  toward  the  dining-room,  and  bows 
to  the  host.  The  latter  is  alert,  anticipating  this 
silent  information.  He  immediately  offers  his  left 
arm  to  the  lady-in-chief  for  this  particular  occa- 
sion. She  may  be  the  wife  of  the  eldest  gentle- 
man, or  the  especially  honored  guest,  as  before 
explained.  He  proceeds  first,  and  his  guests 
follow  him  to  the  dining-room,  his  wife  entering 
last  with  the  gentleman  entitled  to  most  con- 
sideration. Each  pair  find  their  assigned  posi- 
tion by  the  card  which  awaits  them,  assisted 
by  the  information  previously  furnished  by  the 
host  in  regard  to  the  side  of  the  tabic  chosen  for 
them.  This  is  done  as  quietly  as  possible,  as 
nothing  is  less  elegant  than  a  bustling  manner. 


DINNER  GIVING  AND  L  1 

The  mam  is  not  any  longer  printed  upon  the 
dinner-card,  as  it  is  customary  to  keep  the  la 
as  a  smwaar  of  die  banque  make  this  card 

worthy  of  die  guest,  individual  taste,  and  not 
infrequently  much  money,  is  expe  .z on  it. 

The  ladies  and  gentlemen  stand  by  their 
places  until  the  hostess  is  seated,  when  each 
lady,  whose  chair  has  already  been  conveniently 
placed  for  her  by  her  escort,  als  herself, 

and  the  gentlemen  follow  die  example  imme- 
diately. A  gentleman  offers  his  left  arm  to  the 
lady  whom  he  is  to  lead  in  to  dinner.  This 
leaves  his  right  hand  free  to  arrange  her  chair  as 
she  approaches  the  table.  He  places  her  at  his 
r.z'rr.  zi~i 

If  there  be  an  equal  number  of  ladies  and 
gentlemen,  and  they  are  arranged  at  table  in 
pairs,  the  host  and  hoste  ictly 

opposite  to  each  other,  :  i   the  table  be 

filled.     This  difference  in  I  of  hos: 

and  host  is  of  slight  consequence  when  a  dinner 
is  served  a  la  Russe,  or  e  it  be  not,  be- 

cause the  centres,  instead  of  the  ends,  of  a 
dining-tabie  are  usually  occupied  by  the  enter- 


106  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

tainers,  so  that  they  may  be  nearer  to  all  their 
guests,  to  make  conversation  easier.  If  there 
are  vacant  places,  they  are  at  the  remotest  posi- 
tions from  the  heads  of  the  house. 

The  soup  is  passed  to  each  one,  who  eats  it, 
or  pretends  to  do  so.  After  soup,  the  guest  may 
accept  or  refuse  whatever  follows,  as  the  me?iu 
affords  a  knowledge  of  what  may  be  expected. 

If  wine  be  provided  and  the  guest  does  not 
approve  of  it,  a  private  table  is  not  a  suitable 
place  for  expressing  individual  convictions.  He 
should  receive  or  turn  the  wine  in  the  different 
glasses  sparingly,  and  make  no  comment.  If 
toasts  are  drank,  let  him  lift  his  glass,  and  be 
courteous.  At  a  public  dinner,  the  freedom  of 
the  occasion  permits  a  noticeable  rejection  of 
wines  ;  but  to  accept  private  hospitality  affords 
no  liberty  of  criticism  upon  the  conduct  of  the 
host.  Both  reproof  and  commendation  are  alike 
nilgai  and  discourteous.  As  formal  dinners  are 
now  served  i  la  Russe  entirely,  the  intellectual 

ertainment   is   less   difficult  of  management 

than  when  the  host  and  hostess  used  the  soup- 
ladle    and    the    carving-knife.       The    fruits    and 


DINNER  GIVING  AND  DINING  OUT.     107 

nuts  being  a  part  of  the  table  decoration,  and 
already  picturesquely  arranged,  the  feast  should 
proceed  as  smoothly  and  deliberately  as  did  a 
familiar  minuet  in  our  granddames'  salons.  The 
hosts  have  really  nothing  to  do  but  to  be  agree- 
able. 

When  the  dinner  is  over,  the  hostess  bows  to 
the  lady  at  the  right  of  the  host,  rises,  and  all 
rise  also.  The  gentlemen  either  stand  until  the 
ladies  have  left  the  apartment,  or  conduct  them 
to  the  door,  and  then  return.  It  is  a  graceful 
courtesy  to  escort  the  ladies  to  the  drawing- 
room,  but  this  is  not  incumbent.  The  ladies 
having  withdrawn,  the  gentlemen  who  smoke 
light  their  cigars,  or  withdraw  with  the  host  to 
another  apartment,  for  that  purpose.  In  either 
instance  their  absence  from  the  drawing-room 
should  not  be  a  prolonged  one.  Custom  is 
abridging  the  after-dinner  smoking  as  time  pro- 
gresses. 

Coffee  is  usually  served  at  table  after  the  des- 
sert, but  not  infrequently  it  is  served  in  the 
drawing-room  a  half  an  hour  or  so  later.  The 
hostess,  in   the  latter  case,  usually  sits  by  the 


108  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

coffee-urn,  and  the  gentlemen  may  carry  the 
coffee-cups  to  the  ladies,  followed  by  a  servant, 
who  bears  a  tray,  upon  which  are  sugar,  cream, 
and  often  a  handsome,  low  cut-glass  caraffe  of 
brandy. 

After  coffee,  any  guest  may  take  leave,  and 
it  is  not  expected  that  the  latest  lingerer  will 
remain  longer  than  two  hours  after  dinner.  If 
the  party  be  not  likely  to  separate  directly,  and 
a  gentleman  or  lady  is  compelled  to  leave  early, 
it  is  proper  to  speak  to  the  hostess  of  this  neces- 
sity before  dinner,  if  possible,  or  at  some  early 
time  when  unobserved,  and  then  leave  quietly 
and  unnoticed,  without  formal  adieux,  as  the  de- 
parture of  one  person  often  disturbs  the  pleasure 
of  those  remaining.  The  hostess  understands 
unspoken  leave-takings  if  she  be  familiar  with 
New  York  customs.  This  polite  withdrawal  is 
one  of  the  many  pleasant  habits  taken  from 
Parisian  etiquette. 

Strict  etiquette  demands  that  a  call  be  made 
upon  the  hostess  by  each  guest  within  a  week. 
If  she  have  a  fixed  receiving-day  within  the 
time,    it    is    the    proper  occasion    for    returning 


DINNER  GIVING  AND  DINING  OUT.     109 

thanks  and  inquiring  after  the  lady's  health.  If 
that  particular  day  cannot  be  made  convenient, 
cards  left  in  person  (right  side  or  right-hand 
upper  corner  turned  over)  for  each  grown  mem- 
ber of  the  family  is  accepted  instead  of  a  call. 

As  we  are  a  business  people,  gentlemen  with- 
out wives,  mothers,  or  sisters  to  carry  their  cards 
for  them,  are  permitted  by  the  strictest  approv- 
ing etiquette  to  send  them  by  post.  Of  course 
this  is  only  done  when  a  call  in  person,  or  by 
the  hand  of  a  relative,  is  impossible. 

A  lady  goes  to  a  dinner-party  in  whatever  is 
considered  full  toilette  for  that  season,  and  the 
gentlemen  also.  Gloves  are  removed  after  being 
seated  at  the  table,  and  they  need  not  be  re- 
placed again  during  the  evening. 


XI. 

BREAKFASTS,    LUNCHEONS,    AND    SUPPERS. 

A  complimentary  and  formal  breakfast  is 
usually  given  by  a  Parisian  at  the  hours  which 
are  customary  for  this  meal  when  eaten  in  pri- 
vate by  fashionable  people.  The  time  varies 
only  slightly  in  different  elegant  establishments, 
vibrating  between  half-past  nine  and  eleven 
o'clock. 

Guests  to  an  exceedingly  formal  breakfast  in 
our  city  are  bidden  at  twelve,  but  really  social 
breakfasts,  such  as  are  often  extended  to  a 
stranger  in  town  whom  a  friend  desires  to  pre- 
sent to  his  or  her  own  immediate  associates,  is 
seldom  later  than  half-past  ten,  and  a  half-hour 
earlier  is  the  time  oftenest  mentioned.  Of 
course,  this  is  a  real  breakfast,  and  not  one  with 
at  least  two  private  luncheons  preceding  it. 

jet  as  some  of  our  citizens  may  have  been 

follow   the    examples  of  nobly-born   fore 


BREAKFASTS,   LUNCHEONS,  ETC.      Ill 

society,  when  it  came  to  deciding  upon  the  hour 
for  our  breakfasts  our  human  nature  revolted 
against  such  a  tormenting  postponement  of  this 
nominally  first  meal  of  the  day.  Not  but  that 
we  all  know  that  the  hospitality  called  a  break- 
fast, which  is  arranged  for  twelve  o'clock,  is 
simply  a  disarrangement  of  the  usual  order  of 
the  names  of  one's  meals,  and  possibly  a  rever- 
sal of  their  menu  also  ;  but  our  social  code  re- 
jects English  etiquette  in  this  entertainment 
most  decidedly. 

It  is  not  improbable  that  this  early  and  really 
charming  method  of  entertaining  a  friend  may 
become  a  movable  feast,  and  its  time  be  fixed  at 
a  still  earlier  hour.  Macaulay  said  :  "  Dinner- 
parties are  mere  formalities;  but  you  invite  a 
man  to  breakfast  because  you  want  to  see  him ;  " 
but  then  Macaulay  really  belonged  to  the  nobil- 
ity of  letters  rather  than  to  that  rank  which  lives 
to  support  its  titles. 

Both   gentlemen   and   ladies  may  be  guests 

at   the   breakfast-table,  but  ladies  only  usually 

receive   invitations  to  a  luncheon-party.      The 

breakfast  is   a   less    troublesome  entertainment, 
8 


112  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

and  far  more  social  and  enjoyable  than  a  dinner. 
People  meet  before  the  occupations  of  the  day 
have  wearied  them,  or  its  pleasures  have  given 
birth  to  satiety,  that  most  appalling  of  grievances 
to  the  lady  or  gentleman  upon  whom  society 
makes  constant  demands.  Business  gentlemen 
can  enjoy  these  semi-early  gatherings  but  sel- 
dom; but  to  literary  persons,  and  to  men  of 
leisure,  they  are  as  convenient  to  attend  as  an 
evening-party ;  and  possibly  to  the  former  they 
are  more  acceptable,  because  the  night-time  has 
become,  through  inherited  tastes  and  tenden- 
cies, the  too  common  hour  for  working  with  the 
brain. 

Invitations  to  a  breakfast,  unless  it  be  a 
grandly  important  mid-day  affair,  are  written, 
and  thus  need  not  be  issued  more  than  five  days 
in  advance  of  the  entertainment.  Indeed,  a 
breakfast  may  be  almost  impromptu,  and  not 
shock  the  social  dogmas  of  the  very  severest 
of  our  formalists.  The  style  of  this  note  may  be 
quite  as  informal  as  any  brief  but  friendly  letter, 
or  it  may  be  the  lady's  visiting-card  which  con- 
veys the  request,  if  this  card   be  engraved  after 


BREAKFASTS,   LUNCHEONS,   ETC.      113 

the  customary  form  prevailing  in  New  York,  with 
the  address  in  the  right-hand  lower  corner,  and 
the  ordinary  day  for  receiving  callers  upon  the 
left.     Below  the  lady's  name  may  be  written : 

BREAKFAST    AT     TEN    O'CLOCK, 
January  12th. 

If  another  than  the  usual  "  at  home  "  day  be 
preferred,  an  ink  line  may  be  drawn  through  the 
engraved  day  of  the  week,  and  the  following 
form  is  written  upon  the  card  : 

BREAKFAST,    FRIDAY,    AT    TEN    O'CLOCK, 
January  12th. 

Numerals  are  written  upon  a  card,  but  they 
are  not  engraved,  except  it  be  the  number  of  a 
residence. 

This  breakfast  should  never  be  elaborate,  but 
it  cannot  be  too  dainty  in  its  food,  or  in  the  ap- 
pointments of  the  table.  The  best  of  every- 
thing, prepared  in  the  choicest  of  styles,  but 
nothing  heavy,  nor  excessive  in  quantity,  should 
be  prepared.  Walking  costumes  are  worn  by 
both   gentlemen    and   ladies,  also  visiting-gloves, 


114  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

which  are  removed  at  table.  The  descent  from 
the  dressing-room  and  greetings  between  the 
hostess  and  guest  are  just  the  same  as  at  a  din- 
ner-party. 

If  ladies  and  gentlemen  are  equal  in  number, 
the  hostess  is  careful  to  arrange  for  partners  at 
table  ;  and,  in  case  there  are  more  than  eight 
guests,  cards  are  placed  at  the  proper  plates, 
where  every  person  will  find  his  or  her  name 
awaiting  him  or  her.  If  the  sexes  be  unequal  in 
numbers,  ladies  are  informed  of  their  lady-part- 
ners by  the  hostess,  and  they  seek  their  assigned 
positions  at  table  as  usual. 

The  host  conducts  the  eldest  lady,  or  the  one 
entitled  to  his  highest  consideration  because  she 
is  a  stranger,  a  restored  invalid,  a  recent  bride, 
or  is  made  for  any  noticeable  reason  temporarily, 
perhaps,  the  person  to  receive  this  mark  of  re- 
spect. If  there  is  no  host  present,  the  lady  of 
the  house  leads  the  way  to  the  breakfast-room, 
accompanied  by  her  most  honored  guest,  either 
gentleman  or  lady. 

The  food  is  served  from  the  sideboard,  or 
u;  on  the  table   in   courses,  according  to  taste  or 


BREAKFASTS,  LUNCHEONS,  ETC,      115 

convenience,  and  the  only  way  in  which  the 
mere  formalities  of  a  breakfast  differ  from  those 
of  a  dinner  are  that  the  coffee,  chocolate,  and 
tea  service  is  attended  by  the  hostess,  in  front 
of  which  she  sits,  and  the  courses  are  less  in 
number.  Guests  depart  within  half  an  hour 
after  leaving  the  breakfast-table. 

After-calls  of  formality  are  not  expected  after 
a  breakfast  given  in  this  simple  style.  The 
grand  and  formal  breakfast  demands  handsome, 
but  not  evening  toilettes  for  the  ladies,  and 
morning  or  frock  coats  for  gentlemen,  with  light- 
colored  trousers,  and  waistcoats  to  correspond 
with  the  coat.  The  latter  may,  however,  wear 
white  vests,  light  kid  gloves,  and  colored  neck- 
ties. 

The  gentlemen  are  arranged  to  escort  lady 
guests  according  to  cards,  which  they  find  await- 
ing them  in  their  dressing-room,  or  which  are 
offered  to  them  on  a  tray  by  a  servant.  If  the 
ladies  selected  for  them  be  strangers,  they  should 
ask  the  hostess  to  present  them  directly  after 
having  exchanged  the  usual  salutations  with  her. 
When   breakfast   is   announced,  the   gentleman 


116  SOCIAL   ETIQUETTE. 

offers  his  left  arm,  just  as  he  would  at  a  dinner- 
party (the  right  arm  is  reserved  for  almost  all 
attentions  to  a  lady,  except  to  escort  her  to  the 
table). 

The  guests  follow  the  host  in  such  order  as 
the  number  makes  convenient.  The  gentleman 
finds  his  own  and  the  lady's  seat  by  the  card 
upon  the  table.  The  ladies,  with  the  assistance 
of  their  cavaliers,  seat  themselves;  the  gentlemen 
then  follow  their  example,  when  all  are  seated. 

The  table  is  served  with  artistically-prepared 
delicacies ;  but  there  are  few  or  none  of  the 
heavy  substantiate  of  a  dinner  provided  for  an 
elegant  breakfast. 

There  are  a  few  ladies  who  decline  to  preside 
over  their  coffee-urns  for  large  breakfast-parties, 
but  most  hostesses  enjoy  the  domestic  hospitality 
which  this  attention  to  her  friends  suggests. 

The  party  rises  at  a  signal  from  the  hostess 
to  her  opposite  lady  guest,  and  all  seek  the 
drawing-room,  to  remain  but  a  short  time  before 
taking  leave. 

A  visit  of  thanks  is  rigorously  insisted  upon 
by    etiquette   after    a   grand    party  of   this  sort. 


BREAKFASTS,   LUNCHEONS,  ETC,      117 

The  first  receiving-day  of  the  hostess,  or,  if  she 
have  no  appointed  time  for  being  at  home,  any 
appropriate  hour  within  ten  days,  may  be  chosen 
for  this  very  proper  attention  to  one  whose  hos- 
pitalities have  been  accepted. 

Suppers,  as  was  mentioned,  are  gentlemen's 
parties,  and  from  nine  to  ten  o'clock  is  the  usual 
time  for  them  to  be  served.  There  are  game 
suppers,  fish  suppers,  wine  suppers,  and  cham- 
pagne suppers,  each  one  of  which  differs  in  the 
appropriate  supplies  for  the  table.  But  the  for- 
malities of  the  occasion,  or,  rather,  the  informal- 
ities, are  all  of  the  same  kind.  The  invitations 
may  be  made  at  interviews,  by  friendly  notes,  or 
by  the  host's  visiting-card,  with,  written  upon  it, 

SUPPER    AT    TEN    O'CLOCK, 

Saturday,  January  20th, 

If  it  is  a  fish  supper,  only  little  food  except 
that  which  once  lived  in  the  water  is  provided  ; 
salads  and  fruits,  without  a  sweet  dessert,  com- 
plete it,  with  the  additions  of  coffee  and  such 
wines  as  the  host  chooses  for  his  guests. 

A  game  supper  is  confined  almost  strictly  to 


118  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

wild  fowl,  with  wines  and  coffee ;  but  the  dessert 
may  be  pastry,  creams,  and  bonbons. 

A  wine  or  champagne  supper  is  made  up  of  a 
variety  of  luxuries,  and  differs  from  the  dinner 
only  in  the  cold  fillets  of  game,  boned  turkey, 
spiced  fish,  etc.,  instead  of  meats  that  are  all  hot. 
The  dessert  is  of  various  rich  compounds,  that 
are  delightful  to  the  palate  of  the  epicure,  but 
which  mean  heaviness  and  headache  in  the 
morning. 

One  or  two  o'clock  finds  the  party  dispersed. 
They  are  usually  called  "  bachelor  suppers,"  but 
why  this  name  is  provided  for  this  feast  it  is 
difficult  to  determine,  because  the  most  excellent 
and  really  wonderful  suppers  of  this  sort  are 
sometimes  given  by  married  gentlemen. 


XII. 

OPERA    AND     THEATRE    PARTIES,    PRIVATE 
THEATRICALS,    AND    MUSICALES. 

These  entertainments  belong  peculiarly  to 
the  province  of  the  wealthy,  provided  they  are 
perfectly  arranged.  They  are  not  uncommon 
among  our  wealthiest  families  ;  but  they  are 
more  frequently  given  by  bachelors,  who  have 
no  homes  to  which  they  may  invite  guests,  and 
thus  cancel  some  of  their  obligations  to  house- 
holds from  which  they  have  received  courteous 
and  special  hospitalities. 

If  given  by  a  bachelor,  he  first  secures  a 
matron  to  chaperon  the  young  ladies  of  his  pro- 
posed party.  If  she  be  his  own  kinswoman,  all 
the  better  for  the  harmony  of  the  affair.  This 
selection  spares  him  from  the  unpleasant  per- 
plexity of  choosing  from  among  the  mammas  of 
his  young  lady  guests.  He  proffers  his  invita- 
tions in  person,  soliciting  first  the  consent  of  the 


120  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

mother  that  her  daughter  may  be  his  guest  for 
the  evening,  at  the  same  time  mentioning  what 
married  lady  will  accompany  them,  and  also  fur- 
nishing the  names  of  the  gentlemen  who  are 
invited  to  be  present. 

The  dinner  is  usually  given  in  a  private  par- 
lor of  some  fashionable  hotel  or  restaurant,  or  in 
the  house  of  some  friend.  The  usual  dinner 
formalities  {see  "  Dinner  Giving  and  Dining 
Out  ")  are  followed,  the  matron  of  the  party, 
of  course,  acting  as  hostess.  The  lady-guests, 
if  not  accompanied  by  father  or  brother,  arc 
usually  attended  by  a  waiting-woman,  who  re- 
turns home  in  the  carriage  to  come  back  again 
for  her  mistress  at  the  hour  appointed,  which  is 
usually  half-past  twelve. 

The  dinner  hour  is  usually  six  o'clock  for 
this  style  of  party.  Retiring  from  the  table  the 
party  proceeds  to  the  opera  in  carriages  fur- 
nished by  the  host ;  and  the  gentleman  assigned 
as  dinner  escort  to  a  lady  accompanies  her  to 
the  opera,  where  boxes  have  necessarily  been 
secured,  because  the  party  is  in  full  toilette. 

After  the  opera  or  theatre,  the  guests  return 


OPERA    AND    THEATRE  PARTIES.     121 

to  the  banqueting-room  for  refreshments,  and 
then  separate,  a  gentleman  accompanying  each 
young  lady,  provided  only  her  waiting-woman 
call  for  her  with  her  carriage.  If  her  father  or  a 
kinsman  arrive  in  her  carriage,  the  gentleman 
who  has  been  her  attendant  during  the  evening 
escorts  her  to  her  conveyance.  He  calls  upon 
her  within  three  days  to  inquire  for  her  health, 
or  leaves  his  card,  provided  a  visit  be  impossi- 
ble to  him. 

The  bachelor  host  is  compelled,  by  the  laws 
of  our  best  society,  to  pay  his  respects  and  re- 
turn thanks  to  mother  and  daughter  within  a 
week,  for  the  honor  and  pleasure  he  has  received 
from  his  lady-guests.  The  young  ladies  pay  an 
early  visit  of  thanks  to  the  friend  who  so  kindly 
chaperoned  them  at  the  late  party. 

A  less  elaborate,  but  scarcely  less  formal, 
affair  is  the  opera  or  theatre  party  which  in- 
cludes only  an  after-supper.  In  this  instance 
the  host  calls  upon  his  anticipated  guests,  and, 
after  receiving  an  acceptance  of  his  invitation 
(which  must  also  include  a  gentleman  member 
of  the  family,  or  a  near  kinsman  of  the  young 


122  SOCIAL   ETIQUETTE. 

lady),  he  leaves  entrance-tickets  for  the  proposed 
entertainment.  The  party  meet  in  the  box  or 
boxes,  where  the  matron  selected  awaits  them 
with  their  host. 

After  the  theatre,  the  supper,  which  has  been 
ordered  in  advance,  is  served  to  them  at  some 
fashionable  resort,  and  the  hour  for  returning 
home  is  decided  upon  by  the  matron  of  the 
evening.  The  host  designates  to  each  gentle- 
man the  lady  he  is  to  conduct  to  the  table.  The 
supper  is  not  uncommonly  followed  by  a  few 
dances,  but  this  is  less  often  a  part  of  the  festiv- 
ity at  a  restaurant  parlor  than  when  the  bachelor 
receives  his  guests  at  the  house  of  a  friend. 

The  latter  style  of  opera  or  theatre  party  is 
by  far  the  most  popular  of  the  time,  and  is,  of 
course,  less  expensive  and  troublesome  to  both 
host  and  guests.  The  more  elaborate  formali- 
ties, as  was  suggested,  are  only  provided  by  the 
very  rich,  and  mothers  of  refined  daughters  do 
not  encourage  ostentation.  The  customs  of 
these  costly  pleasures  are  furnished  only  because 
an  account  of  the  etiquette  of  New  York  would 
be  incomplete  without  mentioning  them. 


OPERA    AND    THEATRE  PARTIES.     123 

In  the  least  elaborate  of  the  two  forms,  the 
young  ladies  are  expected  to  be  as  rigorously 
attentive  to  the  duty  they  owe  to  their  chaperon  as 
if  there  had  been  a  ceremonious  dinner;  and  the 
host  will  as  carefully  follow  the  proper  formal- 
ities of  calling  early  upon  the  families  of  each  of 
his  guests  as  if  he  had  given  a  banquet  instead 
of  a  supper. 

As  club  life  among  gentlemen  tends  more  and 
more  to  postpone  marriage,  this  method  of  en- 
tertaining is  likely  to  increase  in  our  city.  Of 
course  there  is  no  objection  to  the  custom  of 
opera  and  theatre  parties  in  their  most  refined 
forms  and  usages;  but  an  hotel  dinner  and  supper 
lack  the  charm  which  domestic  hospitality  should 
hold  for  our  highly-bred  people.  Of  course  this 
custom  diminishes  the  care  which  entertaining 
is  likely  to  bring  to  the  dinner-giving  host  and 
hostess,  and  it  does  not  greatly  increase  the  ex- 
penses of  canceling  social  obligations.  Eight, 
ten,  or  twelve  guests  are  the  customary  numbers 
invited  to  such  a  festivity,  the  smallness  of  the 
circle  or  coterie  adding  much  to  its  delights. 

If  these  parties  are  given  by  a  lady  in  her 


124  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

own  home,  the  invitations  are  issued  by  informal 
written  notes  in  her  own  name,  and  the  dinner 
almost  invariably  precedes  the  public  amuse- 
ment. After  the  opera  or  theatre,  it  is  proper 
for  her  to  invite  her  guests  to  a  restaurant  for  a 
light  refreshment,  but  she  oftener  than  otherwise 
begs  them  to  return  to  her  own  residence,  where 
a  dainty  supper  awaits  them.  A  lady-guest  may, 
however,  excuse  herself  from  this  after-part  of 
the  hospitality  if  she  pleases,  and  not  give  of- 
fense.    Party  calls  follow  in  the  usual  manner. 

If  private  theatricals  or  music  is  to  be  a  part 
or  all  of  the  entertainment  at  a  gentleman's  resi- 
dence, the  word  theatricals,  or  musicale%  is  written 
upon  the  left  lower  part  of  the  card  of  invitation. 
If  the  pleasure  be  accepted,  a  prompt  attendance 
is  compulsory. 

If  dancing  is  to  follow,  the  hour  of  its  com- 
mencement is  also  mentioned.  It  may  be  writ- 
ten across  the  card  of  invitation  in  this  wise : 

Theatricals  at  eight  o  clock  :  dancing  at  tU\ 

If  the  company  is  desired  to  wear  fancy 
dress,  or  be  masked,  the  words  fancy  dress,  or 


OPERA   AND    THEATRE  PARTIES.     125 

bal  masqud,  may  be  written  at  the  usual  left  lower 
side. 

This  announcement  may  be  engraved  if  the 
party  is  to  be  an  elaborate  one,  and  its  amuse- 
ments may  be  prominently  stated  in  a  line  of 
their  own,  extending  through  the  centre  of  the 
invitation. 

A  character,  or  author's  party,  is  one  of  our 
latest  favorites.  The  name  of  the.  author  from 
whom  the  characters  are  to  be  selected  is  en- 
graved or  written  upon  the  card  of  invitation. 
After  the  host  and  hostess's  names,  and  the  usual 
request,  it  is  customary  to  add : 

In  character  from  "  IVaverley" 

or  from  any  other  author  whose  heroes  and  hero- 
ines are  familiar  to  general  society,  such  as 
Dickens,  Bulwer,  etc.  Invitations  to  a  charac- 
ter party  should  be  issued  from  three  to  four 
weeks  in  advance,  to  give  ample  time  for  refresh- 
ing the  memory  and  preparing  costumes.  If  the 
courtesy  be  accepted,  it  is  rude  to  appear  at  the 
party  in  any  other  than  a  fitting  character  and 
costume,  according  to  the  host's  desire. 


XIII. 

ETIQUETTE     OF     WEDDINGS. 

However  hostile  the  aggressively  independ- 
ent American  may  be  to  conventionalities  of  all 
sorts,  and  deeply  as  his  scorn  of  etiquette  may 
have  been  planted  and  rooted,  and  vigorous  as 
may  be  its  present  growths,  marriages  cannot  be 
conducted  without  at  least  some  little  ceremony. 
There  are  formalities  which  cannot  be  escaped 
at  weddings.  Even  at  that  simplest  of  services, 
a  marriage  between  Quakers,  the  witnesses  are 
compelled  to  sit  in  silence — that  most  awful  of 
conventionalities  to  the  person  who  abhors  eti- 
quette and  ceremony — until  one  or  the  other  of 
the  two  aspirants  for  a  wedded  life  is  moved  by 
the  spirit  within  to  announce  this  intention 
audibly. 

The  law  enforces  a  ceremony,  and  the  gently- 
bred  have  thrown  about  this  unpicturesque  but 
jurisprudential   formality    certain    beautiful  and 


ETIQUETTE   OF    WEDDINGS.  127 

refined  customs,  which,  with  harmonious  varia- 
tions, have  been  adopted  by,  and  into,  our  best 
society.  As  the  dress  of  the  youthful  bride  is 
white,  an  artistic  variation  of  the  fashion  of  it 
is  admissible,  and  even  agreeable,  but  no  one 
would  mistake  it  for  a  garment  intended  for 
another  festivity.  Etiquette  has,  in  the  same 
spirit  of  liberality,  established  a  formula  for  the 
celebration  of  marriages,  and  each  bridal  pair 
endeavors  to  vary  and  beautify  these  ceremoni- 
als by  an  individual  and  poetic  charm,  without 
really  departing  from  those  customs  which  time 
and  long  establishment  have  made  venerable 
and  impressive. 

The  announcement  of  an  engagement  of 
marriage  has  no  rigid  formality  in  New  York, 
and  yet  a  betrothal  is  made  known  to  the  friends 
of  the  promised  pair  in  some  pleasant  manner. 
Sometimes  a  dinner-party  is  given  by  the  family 
of  the  bride-elect,  or  it  may  be  enjoyed  at  the 
home  of  the  groom  (when  the  bride  and  her 
immediate  family  must  be  present),  and  the  host 
announces  the  agreeable  intelligence  just  be- 
fore rising  from  the  feast,  when  a  general  out- 


128  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

burst  of  good  feeling  and  congratulation  takes 
place. 

Good-natured  gossip  does  the  rest  for  the 
social  circle  of  both  the  gentleman  and  lady 
most  interested.  Congratulations  by  note 
speedily  follow,  also  the  sending  of  flowers  to 
the  lady,  calls,  etc. 

Sometimes  it  is  done  by  note  from  the  mother 
of  the  bride,  or  from  the  bride  herself  to  her 
very  intimate  friends.  The  groom  does  the 
same  by  his  near  and  dear  associates.  Of  course 
these  notes  receive  immediate  responses. 

Among  families  who  entertain  generously, 
dinner,  or  evening  parties  for  dancing,  or  for 
opera  going,  are  given  to  the  engaged  couple  by 
their  friends,  and  the  plighted  pair  appear  to- 
gether and  receive  congratulations. 

The  friends  of  the  bride  call  upon  her,  or 
leave  cards,  and,  as  an  announcement  of  an 
engagement  is  made  at  no  great  distance  from 
the  date  fixed  for  the  marriage,  the  bride  does 
not  pay  ceremonious  visits  in  the  interval.  It 
is  customary,  however,  for  her  to  leave  her  last 
visiting-card    in    person    at    the   doors   of    her 


ETIQUETTE   OF    WEDDINGS.  129 

friends'  residences  at  the  time,  or  just  before, 
her  wedding  invitations  are  distributed  ;  but  she 
does  not  enter,  except  it  be  to  visit  an  invalid  or 
an  aged  friend. 

This  last  distribution  of  a  proof  of  her  re- 
membrance is  almost  like  a  memorial,  because 
the  bride  will  not  again  use  the  name  of  her 
own  family.  Consequently  this  call  before  mar- 
riage is  one  of  strict  etiquette,  which  she  cannot 
well  escape. 

Her  wedding-cards  are  sent  out  at  least  ten 
days  before  the  ceremony  is  to  take  place,  and 
often  much  earlier.  Invitations  to  remote  places 
are  forwarded  sooner,  so  that  parties  who  propose 
to  be  present  can  arrange  to  make  the  journey. 

The  invitations  to  the  marriage-ceremony 
are  sent  in  the  name  of  the  bride's  father  and 
mother,  or  of  one  alone  if  one  only  be  living. 
If  the  bride  stands  in  other  relationship,  like 
that  of  ward,  niece,  granddaughter,  cousin,  or 
simply  friend,  to  the  persons  or  person  issuing 
the  invitation,  the  fact  of  this  relation  is  noted 
in  the  formula  in  place  of  the  word  "  daughter." 

Accompanying  the  engraved  note  is  a  card 


130  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

of  invitation  to  the  breakfast  or  reception  for 
such  persons  as  are  entitled  to  be  bidden  to  par- 
take of  the  festivities.  Very  handsome  church 
weddings  are  often  carefully  guarded  by  the 
master  of  ceremonies,  and  no  one  can  enter  the 
church  without  showing  cards  of  admission. 

As  a  place  of  worship,  of  course  a  church 
should  be  open  to  all ;  but  liberties  which  appear 
to  be  proper  are  not  upon  all  occasions  agree- 
able in  their  consequences.  Without  these  tick- 
ets of  admission,  the  gentleman  in  charge  of  the 
ceremonials  could  not  distinguish  the  plainly- 
costumed  friends  and  acquaintances  of  the 
bridal  party  from  that  eager  and  idle  rabble 
which  would  otherwise  crowd  the  church,  just 
for  the  satisfaction  of  looking  upon  that  never 
tiresome  spectacle — two  persons  who  have  come 
together  to  show  publicly  that  they  fully  believe 
they  were  created  to  enjoy  each  other's  society 
for  ever  and  ever. 

These  tickets  of  admission  are  unwillingly 
used;  but  experience  in  New  York  has  proved 
that  there  are  weddings  at  which  they  are  an 
unpleasant  necessity. 


ETIQUETTE   OF    WEDDINGS,  131 

One  or  more  of  these  cards  is  also  enclosed 
in  the  envelopes  which  cover  the  ceremonial 
invitation  and  the  reception-card.  They  are 
intended  for  distribution  to  personal  friends  of 
the  invited,  and  also  for  the  use  of  servants  who 
accompany  guests  to  the  church. 

Friends  who  wear  mourning  costumes  usually 
enter  the  church  by  these  cards,  quietly  and 
early,  and  hide  themselves  in  the  crowd  to 
escape  the  eyes  of  the  bridal  pair.  Pleasant 
omens  are  not  suggested,  by  those  who  are  sup- 
posed to  be  wise  in  these  prophetic  phenomena, 
by  one  coming  to  us  dressed  in  crape.  Hence 
this  delicate  custom  among  the  sorrowing,  of 
absenting  themselves  from  the  festal  part  of 
weddings,  and  also  of  making  themselves  invisi- 
ble to  the  marriage-party  while  they  are  pres- 
ent in  church  to  join  in  the  prayerful  ceremony 
of  the  hour. 

Invitations  to  weddings  are  now  engraved 
upon  one  sheet  of  paper,  the  separate  cards  of 
the  bride  and  of  the  groom  being  seldom  in 
use.  The  following  form  is  preferred  for  the 
engraving,  which  is  plain  script.     The  paper  is 


132  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

thick,  fine,  and  shaped  so  as  to  fold  once.  If 
cipher,  monogram,  or  crest  of  the  bride's  family 
be  used  upon  the  paper,  it  should  not  be  printed 
in  color  for  weddings,  and  the  centre  of  the  top 
of  the  page  is  the  proper  position  for  it.  It  is, 
however,  considered  elegant  at  present  to  place 
the  monogram,  cipher,  or  crest  upon  the  enve- 
lope, and  omit  it  from  the  note. 

MR.    AND    MRS.    HOWARD    MORTIMER 

request  your  presence 

at  the  marriage  of  their  daughter. 

Miss  Matilde  Alice, 

to 

Mr.  Alexis  Stafford  Carlton, 

on  Tuesday  morning,  September  tenth,  1 8 78, 

at  eleven  o'clock, 

St.  John's  Cathedral, 

New  York. 

(The  word  presence,  instead  of  company,  is 
rather  the  more  dignified  and  impressive,  but 
the  latter  is  frequently  used.) 

For  such  as  are  really  friends  of  the  party 
most  in:  d  in  the  marriage,  another  card  is 

inclosed  with  the  above. 


ETIQUETTE   OE    WEDDINGS.  133 

The  following  is  the   form  of  invitation  to 
the  reception  : 

MR.    AND    MRS.    HOWARD    MORTIMER 

AT   HOME, 

Tuesday  morning,  September  tenth, 

from  half -past  eleven  until  four  o  clock. 

59  West  Lombard  Street. 

The  admission-card  is  narrow  and  long,  and 
bears  the  following  formula,  neatly  and  plainly 
engraved  in  script : 

st.    john's    cathedral. 

Ceremony  at  eleven  o'clock. 

The  order  of  the  religious  part  of  the  marriage- 
ceremony  is  fixed  by  the  church  in  which  it 
occurs;  but  there  are  pleasant  picturesque  ef- 
fects, and  agreeable  and  significant  surprises 
that  may  be  added  to  the  old-fashioned,  staid 
regulations.  These  added  attractions  establish 
in  the  minds  of  those  present  a  distinct  remem- 
brance of  an  event  that  should  always  remain  a 
pleasant  memory.  Refined  taste  and  a  careful 
arrangement  and   understanding  of  the   details 


134  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

of  these  things  are  a  decided  necessity,  and  of 
course  rehearsals  are  required. 

The  customs  of  a  community  change  so  grad- 
ually that  one  is  scarce  conscious  of  a  difference 
in  its  social  forms  until  a  transformation  is  wholly 
completed.  During  many  years  it  was  an  Ameri- 
can usage  for  bridegrooms  to  select  a  retinue  of 
young  gentlemen  who  should  equal  in  number  the 
maids  who  attended  the  bride.  These  friends 
served  as  cavaliers  for  the  waiting  maidens,  and 
also  as  sombre  backgrounds  for  the  toilets  of 
fairer  creatures  than  themselves.  Besides  the 
eagerness  which  is  expressed  by  our  social  lead- 
ers to  follow  British  examples  whenever  it  be 
possible  in  a  republic — perhaps  only  to  prove  to 
them  that  we  have  forgotten  that  it  was  once  the 
fervent  desire  of  England  to  direct  us  in  these 
very  matters  along  with  others  of  more  vital  im- 
portance— there  are  several  serious  reasons  why 
the  groom  should  now  invite  but  one  gentleman 
to  attend  him  during  this  important  observance. 

These  reasons,  less  romantic  than  practical, 
will  suggest  themselves  to  marrying  maids  and 
men,  without  our  mentioning  them  in  this  chap- 


ETIQUETTE   OF    WEDDINGS.  135 

ter.  Accordingly,  the  bridegroom  of  to-day  sim- 
plifies his  individual  part  in  the  marriage  pageant 
by  choosing  a  single  friend,  whom  he  calls  his 
"best  man,"  to  attend  upon  him  during  this  se- 
rious transition.  This  is  an  English  title,  and 
also  an  English  custom,  which  is  altogether  sen- 
sible and  convenient.  The  "  best  man  "  arranges 
the  business  and  social  formalities  of  the  wed- 
ding, thereby  leaving  the  husband-elect  to  enjoy 
or  to  endure  all  the  tranquillities  that  are  possi- 
ble to  him  during  the  celebration  of  his  marriage. 
From  among  the  ushers  one  is  selected  to  be 
master  of  the  ceremonies.  He  is  early  at  the 
church,  because  the  spectacle  of  an  awning  and 
carpet  is  certain  to  attract  the  idle,  who  are  always 
eager  to  look  upon  a  pretty  spectacle  of  any  kind, 
and  especially  upon  a  wedding. 

Having  been  made  acquainted  with  the  num- 
ber of  guests  expected  to  be  present  at  the 
church,  he  calculates  the  space  they  will  occupy 
and  places  the  ribbon  or  the  arch  of  flowers 
across  the  aisle  far  enough  back  from  the  altar 
to  give  them  ample  room,  remembering  that  a 
lady  in  full  toilet  does  not  feel  too  amiable  when 


136  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE, 

she  is  crushed  into  narrow  spaces.  He  sees  that 
the  organist  is  present,  and  that  his  programme 
of  compositions  is  properly  arranged.  The  kneel- 
ing-stool,  which  should  be  covered  with  white, 
should  also  be  looked  at  and  properly  adjusted, 
and  then  all  the  ushers  take  their  places,  to  be  in 
readiness  to  escort  ladies  to  their  proper  seats. 
The  usher  offers  a  lady  his  right  arm,  and  if  un- 
acquainted with  her,  inquires  if  she  be  a  friend 
of  the  bride  or  groom.  If  of  the  bride,  he  places 
her  in  a  seat  upon  the  left,  and,  if  of  the  groom, 
upon  the  right  side  of  the  main  aisle.  If  the  lady 
guest  be  attended  by  a  gentleman  he  follows  her 
to  her  seat.  Ushers  are  usually  acquainted  with 
the  two  families,  and  understand  where  to  place 
the  nearer  and  where  the  remoter  kinspeople  of 
the  bridal  party.  This  arrangement  disposes  the 
father  or  guardian  of  the  bride  at  the  proper 
place  during  and  after  the  ceremony. 

When  the  bride  and  her  attendants  have  ar- 
rived and  arranged  themselves  in  the  vestibule, 
the  groom  and  "best  man  "  come  forth  from  the 
vestry  and  wait  at  the  altar,  the  organ  meantime 
playing  softly  some  melody  that  was  chosen  by 


ETIQUETTE   OF    WEDDIXGS.  137 

the  bride.  Usually  the  ushers  walk  in  pairs  in 
advance  of  the  ladies,  and  arrange  themselves  at 
the  right  of  the  two  awaiting  gentlemen,  whose 
faces  are  turned  toward  the  advancing  bride. 

Sometimes  the  bridemaids  precede  and  some- 
times they  follow  the  bride,  and  always  stand  at 
her  left  side.  These  arrangements  of  precedence, 
or  the  contrary,  are  permitted  to  be  matters  of 
individual  preference.  If  the  maids  precede  her, 
two  or  four  little  boys,  costumed  as  pages,  may 
follow  her  to  bear  her  train,  or  perhaps  to  carry 
baskets  of  flowers,  which  they  scatter  in  her  path 
as  she  leaves  the  church.  To  do  this  they  must 
precede  her  when  going  out.  If  the  maids  fol- 
low the  bride,  sometimes  she  is  preceded  by  two 
or  four  little  girls,  who  strew  her  path  to  the  altar 
with  blossoms. 

The  bride,  in  wThite,  is  ornamented  with  nat- 
ural flowers,  which  may  be  of  any  variety  that 
charms  her,  the  orange-blossom  being  no  longer 
a  requisite  of  the  ceremony.  She  is  veiled,  and 
leans  upon  the  arm  of  whoever  is  nearest  by  kin 
or  affiliation  to  her,  and  who  is  to  give  her  away. 

The  bridemaids  dress  in  delicate  colors,  wear 


138  SOCIAL   ETIQUETTE. 

no  train,  and  the  fabrics  of  their  costumes  are 
far  less  grand  than  the  one  which  robes  the  bride. 
It  is  considered  in  bad  form  for  the  bridemaids 
to  array  themselves  otherwise  than  simply,  but 
prettily  and  becomingly.  Hats  that  are  pictu- 
resque and  perhaps  historic  in  style,  or  bonnets 
with  short  white  tulle  veils,  are  worn  by  them. 
They  carry  baskets  or  fans  of  flowers,  and  these 
may  be  of  as  diverse  tints  as  their  complexions 
will  permit,  but  the  fashioning  of  their  dresses  is 
limited  by  the  styles  of  one  period. 

It  is  not  uncommon  at  present  for  the  ladies 
of  bridal  parties  to  copy  an  historical  picture 
by  their  garments  and  coiffares,  and  the  effect 
is  usually  charming.  The  ceremony  would  be 
greatly  beautified  in  such  instances  if  the  gentle- 
men would  also  copy  the  same  picture  by  their 
own  vestments. 

If  the  wedding  is  by  day,  the  gentlemen  wear 
a  morning  dress,  which  consists  of  dark  coat  and 
vest,  and  light  trousers,  with  a  white  necktie. 
The  groom  may  wear  light  but  not  white  gloi 
or  he  may  be  gloveless  if  he  chooses  to  take  ad- 
vantage of  late  English  examples  in  high  life.     If 


ETIQUETTE   OF    WEDDINGS.  139 

the  ceremony  takes  place  in  the  evening,  full 
dress  is  demanded  of  him,  and,  of  course,  of  all 
the  gentlemen  present. 

The  bride  often  carries  a  prayer-book,  which 
is  sumptuously  bound,  and  is  usually  a  gift  from 
a  dear  friend;  also  a  bouquet  or  fan  of  lilies-of- 
the-valley,  white  carnations,  or  other  blossoms 
that  are  delicate  and  suggestive  of  a  sentiment 
suited  to  the  occasion. 

The  ring  is  a  customary  part  of  the  marriage 
service,  few  churches  rejecting  this  symbol,  which 
is  so  significant  of  an  unending  compact.  In  the 
older  countries,  and  especially  among  the  Ger- 
mans, a  plain  gold  ring  with  date  and  inscription 
is  given  to  the  woman  as  a  sign  of  betrothal,  and 
the  same  ring  is  again  used  at  the  marriage  cere- 
mony, after  which  a  jeweled  ring  is  added  to 
guard  that  more  precious  one  which  was  used  as 
a  seal,  and  is  to  be  worn  always  as  a  sign  of  con- 
firmation to  earlier  but  equally  solemn  promises. 

This  is  a  poetic  and  beautiful  formality,  that 
is  likely  to  become  a  general  custom.  The  size 
of  the  diamond  of  betrothal  having  been  too 
often  accepted  as  a  measurement  of  the  bride- 


140  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

groom's  fortune,  it  is  ceasing  to  be  an  agreeable 
symbol  to  young  ladies  of  refined  fibre  and  deli- 
cate sentiments.  Those  who  still  cling  to  the 
custom  of  placing  a  jewel  upon  the  hand  of  a 
fiancee  are  extremely  careful  to  choose  a  flawless 
diamond,  no  matter  how  small  it  may  be.  There 
is  a  haunting  superstition  about  the  perfection  of 
this  symbol  that  is  not  without  its  uses.  It  is  at 
least  an  evidence  of  the  giver's  sincerities. 

The  bride  and  groom  kneel  a  moment  in 
silent  devotion,  while  the  organ  repeats  its  beau- 
tiful inarticulations.  They  rise,  the  ceremony 
proceeds,  and  after  the  clerical  blessing  the  cler- 
gyman congratulates  the  husband  and  wife,  but 
he  does  not  kiss  the  lady,  as  was  once  the  cus- 
tom. Indeed,  kissing  in  public  is  no  longer  per- 
missible in  good  society,  and  a  reserved  and 
refined  womanhood  has  been  long  in  rebellion 
against  this  usage  without  having  abolished  it 
until  quite  recently.  This  public  may  be  her 
own  invited  and  welcomed  guests,  but  all  the 
same  she  objects  to  being  kissed  in  their  pres- 
ence, and  very  properly.  Indeed,  few  brides  are 
willing  to  have   their  veils    raised   and    thrown 


ETIQUETTE   OF    WEDDINGS.  141 

backward  until  they  have  left  the  church.  This, 
also,  is  in  excellent  taste. 

Two  of  the  ushers  usually  hurry  from  the 
vestibule  to  the  residence  of  the  bride,  to  be  in 
readiness  to  receive  the  newly-wedded. 

The  bridal  party,  with  half  the  maids  at  the 
right  of  the  lady  and  half  at  the  left  of  the  groom, 
take  their  position  for  the  usual  congratulations. 
The  parents  of  the  bride  stand  at  a  little  distance 
upon  her  right  and  those  of  the  groom  at  his  left. 

As  the  guests  arrive,  the  ushers  are  ready  to 
offer  their  right  arms  to  the  ladies  to  conduct 
them  to  the  married  pair.  The  gentlemen  at- 
tendants of  the  ladies  follow.  If  the  usher  is  not 
acquainted  with  the  lady  he  is  escorting,  he  asks 
her  name  on  the  way.  He  presents  her  and  her 
attendant  to  the  bride  and  groom,  and  then  takes 
them  to  the  parents  of  the  wedded  pair  and  in- 
troduces them. 

Two  families  who  are  frequently  strangers  to 
each  other  make  this  formality  both  necessary 
and  agreeable.  If  ladies  are  present  without 
gentlemen,  and  the  reception  be  large,  an  usher 
attends  each  lady  to  the  breakfast-room,   and 


H2  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

sees  that  she  is  properly  served.  If  the  company 
be  small  and  the  entertainment  be  a  breakfast- 
table,  with  chairs  and  cards  of  location,  an  escort 
is  provided  for  each  one  of  the  ladies  in  the  same 
manner  as  at  any  other  breakfast  of  ceremony. 

The  host  sits  at  one  end  of  the  table  and  the 
hostess  at  the  other,  he  with  the  bride  at  his 
right,  she  with  the  groom  at  hers,  when  a  wed- 
ding breakfast  is  arranged  in  this  charming  but 
limited  fashion. 

After  the  breakfast,  or  in  case  of  a  reception, 
before  the  guests  disperse,  the  bride  and  groom 
retire  to  their  dressing-rooms  quietly,  taking  no 
leave  of  any  one,  and  prepare  for  their  depart- 
ure. 

They  don  their  traveling  attire  and  only  a 
few  favored  or  especially  invited  friends  remain 
with  the  bridemaids  and  ushers  to  throw  rice  and 
worn  slippers  after  their  carriage.  The  "best 
man  "  has  already  gone  to  the  train  or  steamer 
to  look  after  their  luggage,  and  to  see  them  off 
without  vexation  or  care-taking. 

No  one  asks  them  whither  they  are  flitting, 
such   a  question  being  considered  in  bad  taste. 


ETIQUETTE   OF    WEDDINGS.  143 

The  "  best  man  "  only  is  aware  of  the  direction 
in  which  their  honeymoon  is  rising,  and  he  is 
not  likely  to  speak  of  his  knowledge. 

Bridal  gifts  are  seldom  exhibited,  and  the 
few  friends  who  are  permitted  to  look  at  them 
examine  them  only  after  their  cards  are  removed, 
so  that  a  token  of  love  may  not  be  suspected  of 
ostentation  nor  one  of  display  have  its  real  mo- 
tives recognized  to  dishonor  the  gifts  of  sincere 
affection. 

The  present  of  usefulness  may  be  sent  only 
by  those  who  have  a  right  to  comprehend  the 
needs  of  the  newly-wedded.  All  friends,  who 
are  "  a  little  less  than  kin  and  a  little  more  than 
kind,"  may  contribute  such  objects  of  art  and 
beauty,  of  literature  or  of  antiquity,  as  shall  be 
an  acknowledgment  and  compliment  to  the  culti- 
vation and  refined  tastes  of  the  bride  and  groom, 
but  useful  articles,  such  as  silver,  furniture,  and 
money,  may  not  be  given  by  those  who  are  out- 
side of  the  family  circle.  Indeed,  there  is,  hap- 
pily, less  universality  in  the  wedding  gift  than 
formerly.  It  has  fallen  into  disrepute,  and  by 
not  a  few  families  it  is  considered  an  intrusion, 

TO 


144  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

if  not  an  impertinence ;  unfortunately,  it  cannot 
be  guarded  against  by  advertisement,  as  is  the 
once  universal  and  unpleasant  floral  bouquet  at 
funerals. 

Those  gifts  which  are  sent  to  the  bride,  such 
as  linen,  silver,  etc.,  are  marked,  if  inscribed  at 
all,  with  her  maiden  name ;  those  for  the  groom 
with  his  cipher  or  initial.  The  bride  acknowl- 
edges by  note,  with  her  own  hand,  every  gift 
which  she  receives.  Sometimes  she  carries  or  is 
followed  on  her  wedding  tour  by  a  list  of  her. 
presents,  so  that  she  may  return  thanks  as  early 
as  practicable. 

It  is  proper  to  mention  that  the  groom  gen- 
erally presents  some  souvenir  of  the  occasion  to 
each  of  the  bridemaids  and  ushers,  and  ingenuity 
struggles  to  devise  simple  and  enduring  novelties 
for  these  occasions.  Fans,  rings,  bangles,  and 
miniatures,  prayer-books  and  lamps,  have  served 
when  nothing  else  could  be  thought  of,  and  canes 
and  scarf-pins,  sleeve-buttons  and  spurs,  are 
among  the  objects  bestowed  to  remind  the  re- 
ceivers of  their  opportune  services.  The  bou- 
quets of  the  maids    and  the  boutonnieres    of  the 


ETIQUETTE   OF    WEDDINGS.  145 

ushers  are  the  gift  of  the  bride.  If  she  desires 
an  unusual  fashion  or  fabric  for  the  bridemaids' 
toilet,  she  provides  these  also. 

If  the  wedded  pair  commence  life  in  a  house 
of  their  own,  it  is  customary  to  issue  "  At  home  H 
cards  for  a  few  mornings  or  evenings  at  no  dis, 
tant  date,  unless  the  marriage  occurs  in  early 
summer,  when  these  informal  receptions  are  de- 
layed until  autumn.  Only  such  persons  are  in- 
vited as  the  young  people  choose  to  keep  as 
friends,  or  perhaps  only  those  whom  they  can 
afford  to  retain.  It  is  an  easy  and  sensible  op- 
portunity for  carefully  rearranging  one's  social 
list,  because  there  are  limitations  to  hospitality 
which  are  frequently  more  necessary  than  agree- 
able. This  list  of  old  friends  and  acquaintances 
cannot  be  too  seriously  considered  and  sifted,  and 
no  moment  is  so  favorable  as  at  the  beginning  of 
housekeeping.  This  custom  of  arranging  a  fresh 
list  is  admitted  as  a  social  necessity,  and  nobody 
is  offended.  The  omission  of  reception-cards  is 
taken  as  a  communicative  and  intelligent  silence, 
which  may  cause  regret,  but  it  cannot  give 
offense.     Tt  only  declares  that  by  marriage  the 


146  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

new  household  has  doubled  the  number  of  its 
kinspeople  and  friends  by  uniting  two  families. 
That  is  all.  These  reception-cards  are  neither 
large  nor  small,  but  fine  in  quality.  A  note  may 
be  used  if  preferred ;  but  the  card  is  less  osten- 
tatious and  more  convenient.  The  following  is 
the  accepted  style : 

MR.    AND    MRS.    ALEXIS   STAFFORD    CARLTON, 

AT   HOME, 

Tuesday  evenings  in  September^ 

from  eight  to  eleven  d clock. 

39  Bradford  Street. 

An  elaborate  table  on  these  occasions  is  not 
considered  in  refined  taste.  The  bride  wears  a 
reception  toilet,  and  the  groom  is  in  full  even- 
ing dress.  This  form  of  card  is  also  used  if  the 
marriage  has  been  very  quiet. 

In  cases  where  the  wedding  has  been  private 
or  informal,  during  the  absence  of  the  pair  on 
their  wedding-journey,  the  bride's  family  some- 
times   issue   an    announcement   of  the   marriage 

ill    their    friends    and    acquaintances.      This 

!  or  note  implies  that  the  marriage  was  fully 


ETIQUETTE   OF    WEDDINGS.  147 

sanctioned  by  the  parents,  and  it  dignifies  the 
ceremony  in  the  estimation  of  its  recipients. 

These  notes  are  engraved,  and  in  many  in- 
stances they  are  prepared  for  distant  friends  who 
could  not  be  present  even  at  a  grand  wedding. 
Distance  may  make  an  invitation  an  absurdity. 
The  form  of  this  announcement  is  usually  as 
follows,  and  it  is  sent  in  two  envelopes,  by  post: 

MR.    AND    MRS.    HOWARD     MORTIMER 

announce  the  marriage  of  their  daughter. 

Miss  Matilde  Alice, 

and 

Mr.  Alexis  Stafford  Carlton, 

Tuesday,  October  tenth,  1878. 

No.  59  Lombard  Street,  New  York. 

A  note  of  congratulation  is  usually  sent  to 
the  parents  of  the  bride,  and  also  to  the  bri- 
dal pair  if  the  intimacy  of  the  parties  war- 
rants it. 

If  there  has  been  no  wedding  reception,  and 
a  reception  follows  the  return  of  the  couple  to 
town,  even  though  the  young  people  take  pos- 
session of  their  own  house,  the  mother  of  the 


148 


SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


bride  usually  gives  one  to  them  first.  She  sends 
out  notes  or  large  cards,  engraved  in  the  follow- 
ing manner: 

MRS.     HOWARD    MORTIMER. 

MRS.    ALEXIS    STAFFORD    CARLTON. 

AT  HOME, 

Tuesday \  December  ninth, 

from    three  until  ten   o'clock. 

59  West  Lombard  Street. 

If  a  reception  be  given  only  in  the  evening, 
the  invitation  will  be  issued  in  the  names  of 
Mr.  and  Mrs,  Howard  Mortimer,  and  a  separate 
card  will  bear  the  names  of  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Alexis 
Stafford  Carlton.  One  envelope  encloses  both 
cards. 

It  is  permissible  in  cases  where  a  marriage 
takes  place  during  seasons  of  family  mourning, 
or  of  a  misfortune,  to  issue  cards  simply  bearing 
the  names  of  the  married  party,  with  new  ad- 
dress, and  another  card  enclosed,  upon  which  is 
engraved  the  maiden  name  of  the  bride. 

The  entry  of  the  bridal  party  to  the  church 
may  be  varied  to  suit  the  taste,  but  care  should 


ETIQUETTE   OF    WEDDINGS.  149 

be  taken  to  avoid  dramatic  effects  while  endeav- 
oring to  be  picturesque  and  impressive.  If  the 
formality  described  in  this  chapter  be  followed, 
the  parties  adopting  it  will  be  certain  to  find 
precedents  for  their  style  among  the  highest 
social  circles  of  New  York.  But  there  are  timid 
brides,  who  prefer  to  adhere  strictly  to  the 
fashion  of  their  grandmothers,  and  gain  content 
in  the  imitation  of  a  long  line  of  worthy  exam- 
ples. In  such  cases  the  bridemaids  first  pass  up 
the  aisle,  each  with  a  gentleman  on  whom  to 
lean ;  they  turn  at  the  altar,  the  ladies  going 
to  their  left  and  the  gentlemen  to  their  right, 
and  the  groom  follows,  bearing  his  destined 
mother-in-law  on  his  arm.  This  lady  he  seats, 
as  speedily  as  politeness  permits,  in  a  convenient 
front  pew  at  his  left.  The  bride  follows,  cling- 
ing to  the  arm  of  her  father;  or,  if  she  be  or- 
phaned, her  next-of-kin  supports  her  on  her  way 
to  her  expectant  groom.  At  her  left,  and  just  a 
step  or  two  back  of  her,  her  father  waits  until 
asked  to  give  her  away,  which  he  does  by  taking 
her  right  hand  and  placing  it  in  that  of  the  cler- 
gyman.   After  this  brief  but  important  formality, 


150  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

he  joins  the  lady  who  entered  with  the  groom 
and  becomes  her  escort.  The  father  and  mother 
pass  out  of  the  church  just  behind  the  bridal 
company. 

Among  the  bright  and  pleasant  variations  to 
the  solemn  pomp  of  a  church  wedding  which 
etiquette  heartily  approves,  although  it  does  not 
prescribe  it,  is  the  strewing  of  flowers  in  the 
path  of  the  young  couple  as  they  go  away  from 
the  altar.  Little  girls,  costumed  in  white  rai- 
ment, with  baskets  of  blossoms,  rise  up,  like  un- 
suspected fairies,  while  the  clergyman  is  congrat- 
ulating the  bride,  and  slowly  drop  roses  down 
the  aisle  to  the  carriage.  Sometimes  garlands  of 
flowers,  that  have  been  somewhere  hidden,  are 
suddenly  seen  stretched  across  the  aisle  at  brief 
intervals,  by  little  maidens  who  stand  on  the 
seats  at  the  ends  of  the  pews,  and  lift  their 
pretty  arms  high  in  air  to  swing  their  roses  over 
the  pathway  of  the  bridal  party. 

Sometimes,  instead  of  garlands,  they  toss 
rose-leaves  in  crimson,  gold,  and  white  from  the 
same  high  positions,  all  over  the  outgoing  pro- 
cession.      Many     other    devices,     fanciful    and 


ETIQUETTE   OF    WEDDINGS.  151 

charming,  may  be  added  to  the  brief  brightness 
of  the  moment. 

Weddings  at  home  vary  but  little  from  those 
at  church.  The  music,  the  assembling  of  the 
friends,  and  the  descent  of  the  bridal  party  and 
their  entree  to  the  position  selected,  are  just  the 
same.  An  altar  of  flowers  and  a  place  for  kneel- 
ing can  be  easily  arranged  at  home.  The  space 
behind  the  altar  need  be  no  wider  than  is  re- 
quired for  the  clergyman  to  stand. 

When  the  marriage  ceremony  is  concluded, 
the  party  turn  in  their  places,  and  face  their 
friends,  who  wait  to  congratulate  them.  If 
space  be  of  importance,  the  kneeling-stool,  and 
even  the  floral  altar,  may  be  removed  a  little 
later,  without  observation.  The  latter,  however, 
is  usually  pushed  back  against  the  wall,  and 
adds  to  the  decorative  part  of  the  festivity. 

Calls  or  card-leaving,  by  all  the  guests,  upon 
the  family  of  the  bride,  is  a  rigorous  formality 
within  ten  days  after  the  wedding. 

The  marriage  ceremonies  of  widows  differ 
only  in  the  not  wearing  of  a  veil  and  the  orange- 
blossoms.     She  may  be  costumed  in  white,  and 


152  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

have  her  maids  at  the  altar,  if  she  pleases.  This 
liberty  has  been  given  to  her  only  within  a  few 
years,  and  refined  taste  will  determine  her  in 
these  matters.  On  her  wedding-cards  of  invita- 
tion her  maiden  name  is  used  as  a  part  of  her 
proper  name  ;  this  is  but  respect  to  her  parents. 
Having  dropped  the  initials  of  her  deceased 
husband  when  she  lays  aside  her  crapes,  she 
uses  her  own  Christian  name.  If  she  have  sons, 
or  unmarried  daughters,  at  the  time  she  becomes 
again  a  wife,  she  prefixes  the  last  name  of  her 
children  to  her  new  one,  on  all  ceremonious  oc- 
casions in  which  they  are  interested  in  common 
with  herself.  This  respect  is  really  due  to  them, 
and  etiquette  permits,  although  our  social  usages 
do  not  imperatively  command,  its  adoption. 

Of  course,  the  formalities  which  follow  the 
marriage  of  a  widow  can  seldom  be  regulated 
in  the  same  manner  as  those  of  a  younger  bride. 
Circumstances  must  control  the  entertainments 
which  follow  the  marriage  of  a  widow,  and  no 
fixed  forms  can  be  arranged  for  them.  A  quiet 
taste  and  refined  sentiments  are  the  best  regu- 
lators of  these  civilities. 


XIV. 

CHRISTENINGS    AND    BIRTHDAYS. 

Once  upon  a  time  the  naming  of  the  heir 
was  considered  the  most  important  of  all  family 
celebrations  until  the  day  arrived  when  this 
young  gentleman  attained  his  majority.  The 
daughter,  not  being  entitled  to  much  considera- 
tion in  those  days,  seldom  received  her  christen- 
ing with  public  ostentation,  and  there  were  few 
expressions  of  delightful  hope  upon  such  occa- 
sions which  were  worth  recording  in  history. 

The  dissenting  churches,  however,  succeeded 
in  reorganizing  the  forms  of  christenings  among 
themselves,  and  their  sentiments  and  usages 
eventually  modified  the  ceremonies  that  were 
habitual  to  the  established  creed. 

They  transformed  the  old  christening  cus- 
toms from  a  secular  high  festival  of  feasting  and 
merriment  to  a  profoundly  religious  formality,  in 
which  austerity  was  its  most  noticeable  feature. 


154  SOCIAL   ETIQUETTE. 

They  selected  this  occasion,  of  providing  names 
both  for  sons  and  daughters,  as  a  fitting  time  for 
solemnly  dedicating  the  futures  of  their  offspring 
to  the  services  of  their  own  faith.  This  religious 
ceremony  of  naming  the  child,  and  at  the  same 
time  consecrating  it  to  a  fixed  form  of  faith,  has 
been  greatly  and  sensibly  varied  within  the  last 
quarter  of  a  century  among  almost  all  our  peo- 
ple. 

The  religious  portion  of  this  ceremony,  in  its 
extreme  or  severe  services,  has  been  pleasantly 
formulated  so  that  participators  in  the  celebra- 
tion of  christening  may  feel  glad  at  the  same 
time  that  they  are  reverential  and  grateful.  In- 
deed, there  is  as  wide  a  difference  between  the 
present  sentiments  and  convictions  which  direct 
this  ordinance  of  christening  our  children  as 
there  is  between  the  former  and  the  present 
methods  of  spending  the  first  day  of  the  week. 

Our  Puritan  fathers  and  mothers  beautified 
none  of  their  religious  customs ;  but  their  de- 
scendants have  drifted,  little  by  little,  away  from 
under  the  shadow  of  religious  severities,  and  we 
have  not  only  ordained  for  ourselves  less  rigid 


CHRISTEXIXGS  AXD  BIRTHDA  VS.     155 

usages,  but  we  have  acquired  sweeter  sentiments, 
tenderer  and  nobler  estimates  of  duty,  and  more 
ennobling  customs  for  christening  the  little  folk, 
who  cannot  fetch  their  names  into  this  world 
■long  ^::h  them. 

These  latter-day  celebrations  include  or  com- 
bine such  social  and  religious  forms  as  cannot, 
in  the  slightest  degree,  dull  our  perceptions  of 
the  highest  duty  which  we  owe  to  the  little 
shapeless  white  soul  that  has  come  to  us  for 
guidance  and  development.  Nor  has  the  charm 
of  a  beautified  religious  custom  lowered  our 
standard  of  Christian  conduct. 

Almost  all  the  old  barbarities  and  inhuman- 
ities of  worship  are  rapidly  fading  out  of  the 
world,  even  among  the  pagans.  Indeed,  it  is 
said  that  there  is  less  of  that  grosser  servitude 
which  long  custom  has  failed  to  make  satisfying 
to  the  most  ignorant  of  people,  and  abhorrent 
practices  are  becoming  obsolete,  even  in  heathen 
lands. 

Somebody  who  is  both  wise  and  good  lately 
said  that  the  of  Prosperity"  were  the 

widest  of  all  the  entrances  to  heaven,  as  has 


J 56  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

been  proven  by  the  records  of  Christian  charac- 
ters, and  that  the  sweeter  and  more  beautiful 
the  social  observances  of  a  religion,  the  more 
profoundly  devout  was  the  believing  household. 
Indeed,  it  would  be  difficult  at  present  to  estab- 
lish a  general  belief  that  the  consecration  of  a 
little  child  to  a  noble  life  was  less  sincere  be- 
cause the  vow  of  watchful  obligation  was  made 
in  the  presence  of  many  friends,  where  flowers 
bloomed,  aromas  made  the  thin  air  deliciously 
sweet,  and  harmonious  music  drifted  through 
the  thoughts  of  the  child's  parents  and  sponsors 
during  the  sacred  hour  of  consecration.  In- 
deed, such  fair  surroundings  enrich  the  moment 
with  an  abiding  benediction.  They  possess  a 
power  of  following  one  with  a  white  wake  of 
hallowed  memories  that  compel  us  to  keep  our 
promised  watch  over  the  child. 

That  the  christening  ceremonials  among  our 
superior  citizens  are  becoming  more  and  more 
beautiful  each  year  in  New  York,  even  our  sour- 
est ascetics  admit  with  scarcely  a  word  of  dis- 
approval. 

The  formality  which    is    most  in  favor  is  the 


CHRISTENINGS  AND  BIRTHDA  VS.     157 

giving  of  a  reception ;  the  hours  are  fixed  from 
three  or  four  o'clock  until  six  p.  M.  It  is  equally 
proper  to  write  the  invitations,  or  to  order  thern 
engraved  in  script. 

The  engraved  form  is  scarcely  varied  from 
the  following : 

MR.    AND    MRS.    JAMES    ALDRICH 

request  the  honor  of  your  presence  at  the 

christening  ceremony  of  their  son  [or  daughter] 

at  five  o'clock,  Thursday \  January  tenth. 

Reception  from  four  to  six  d clock. 

No.  101  St.  James  Street. 

This  card  receives  an  early  response.  The 
only  difference  between  a  written  and  an  en- 
graved note  is  in  a  less  formal  distribution  of 
the  language  upon  the  note  or  card  when  the 
pen  is  used. 

Flowers  ornament  the  house  tastefully  and 
possibly  elaborately.  This  decoration  is  sub- 
ject to  the  season,  and  the  ability  to  secure 
these  pretty  symbols  of  purity  and  sweetness. 
The  guests  all  arrive  in  reception  or  visiting  toi- 
lets, before  five  o'clock,  and  meet  the  host  and 
hostess  just  as  they  would  at  any  reception. 


158  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

Sometimes  there  is  a  band  of  music,  but  often- 
er  there  are  a  pianist  and  a  quartette  of  singers, 
the  musicians,  more  than  likely,  being  selected 
from  among  the  friends  or  kinspeople  of  the 
child.  Sometimes  professional  musicians  are 
employed.  There  is  a  temporary  font  arranged 
in  a  prominent  position  in  the  room.  A  small 
round  table  or  pedestal  is  chosen,  and  upon  its 
centre  is  placed  a  silver  goblet  or  bowl,  or  one 
of  glass.  The  edge  of  the  pedestal  is  often  hung 
with  vines  suspended  from  its  outer  edge,  so  that 
the  support  of  the  baptismal  vessel  is  hidden 
entirely.  Smilax  is  beautiful  and  convenient 
for  a  deep  fringe  to  a  table.  The  top  of  this 
pedestal  or  table  is  built  up  to  the  rim  of  the 
bowl  with  white  flowers,  the  lower  row  often 
being  calla  lilies  laid  with  their  points  turned 
outward  and  downward,  and  other  blossoms  and 
foliage  are  arranged  above  them  until  the  rim  of 
the  vessel  is  overlapped  with  bloom.  Above  this 
is  sometimes  suspended,  by  a  thread,  a  white 
dove,  with  its  wings  outspread.  This  dove  can 
be  procured  of  a  taxidermist  or  of  a  florist.  If 
it  is  made  of  wire  and  fine  white  blossoms  it  is 


CHRISTENINGS  AND  BIRTHDAYS.     159 

pretty,  but  the  real  dove  is  much  more  effective 
and  beautiful. 

At  five  o'clock  the  child  is  brought  to  the 
parents,  who  stand  by  the  font,  and  the  sponsors 
join  them.  If  it  be  a  girl,  its  selected  guardians 
are  usually  two  young  ladies,  who  are  dressed  in 
white,  and  who  arrange  themselves  one  at  each 
side  of  the  father  and  mother,  and  a  hymn  or 
chant  is  sung.  The  clergyman  goes  through  the 
rite  of  christening,  according  to  the  formalities 
of  his  own  established  church  ;  more  music  fol- 
lows, and  then  a  benediction.  Directly  after 
this,  congratulations  are  offered  to  the  father 
and  mother,  and  the  child  is  admired  and  petted, 
or  it  is  removed  to  its  own  apartment,  according 
to  its  desire  or  aversion  to  society.  Refresh- 
ments are  offered  as  at  any  afternoon  entertain- 
ment, and  they  are  usually  of  a  richer  quality 
than  are  provided  at  a  very  informal  reception. 
Of  course  this  pleasant  custom  is  varied  accord- 
ing to  the  poetic  or  artistic  fancies  of  the  house- 
hold, but  it  is  always  beautiful  and  cheerful,  and 
yet  it  is  a  sincere  consecration. 

The  birthdays  of  children   are   being  cele- 
ii 


160  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

brated  in  New  York  more  and  more  after  the 
customs  of  Europeans.  These  waymarks  in  the 
lives  of  children  are  made  pleasant  remem- 
brances to  them.  A  little  feast  is  made  for  the 
child,  to  which  its  playmates  are  invited,  but  the 
invitations  seldom  extend  beyond  a  number  that 
may  be  seated  at  table,  where  they  are  not  over- 
shadowed by  larger  eaters. 

The  feast  is  dainty  and  plentiful,  but  not 
hurtfully  rich,  and  its  especial  characteristic  is  a 
cake  in  which  are  imbedded  as  many  fancy  wax- 
candles  as  are  the  years  of  the  young  person  in 
whose  honor  the  party  is  given.  These  candles 
are  placed  in  little  tin  tubes  and  sunken  near 
the  outer  edge  of  the  cake,  or  they  may  be 
placed  in  a  rim  which  is  arranged  about  it. 
They  are  already  lighted  when  the  young  people 
are  invited  into  the  banqueting  apartment. 

After  the  food  is  eaten,  the  one  who  is  cele- 
brating a  birthday  cuts  the  cake,  if  he  or  she  is 
old  and  strong  enough  for  such  pleasant  duty, 
and  a  piece  of  it  is  given  to  each  guest.  Plays 
or  dances  follow  the  supper.  Guests  are  not 
expected  to  make  presents.      Indeed,  with  the 


CHRISTEXIXGS  AND  BIRTHDA  VS.     161 

exception  of  a  book,  or  a  bunch  of  flowers,  con- 
tributions would  give  pain  rather  than  pleasure 
to  the  mother  of  the  little  host  or  hostess. 

These  little  celebrations  continue  annually 
until  the  child  is  old  enough  to  enter  society. 
Even  if  the  family  be  in  mourning,  a  birthday 
is  not  forgotten,  although  the  festival  may  be 
less  gay  than  usual. 

Among  the  elders  of  a  household  this  annual 
return  of  the  birthday  is  seldom  celebrated  in 
the  presence  of  any  persons  except  his  or  her 
own  kinspeople.  The  twenty-first  birthday  of  a 
gentleman  is  often  made  an  occasion  for  extend- 
ing hospitalities  in  the  form  of  a  dinner,  a  party, 
or  a  ball,  but  a  lady's  age  is  not  thus  publicly 
noticed,  for  obvious  but  absurd  social  reasons. 
After  the  lady  or  gentleman  becomes  astonish- 
ingly old,  and  they  feel  proud  of  their  longevity, 
the  most  beautiful  attentions  are  often  bestowed 
upon  them  by  their  young  friends,  and  also  by 
those  who  were  the  companions  of  their  youth. 
Flowers,  letters  of  congratulation,  cards  of  in- 
quiry and  respect,  gifts  that  will  interest,  break- 
fast or  dinner  parties,  and  receptions,  are  con- 


162  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

sidered  in  "  good  form,"  as  the  English  express 
an  act  which  is  properly  performed. 

There  are  few  vigorous  people  who  care  to 
emphasize  the  fact  that  they  are  passing  still 
another  annual  milestone,  until  they  have  really 
reached  and  entered  upon  the  late  afternoon  of 
life,  and  are  feeling  the  sweet  twilight  of  calm 
falling  like  a  blessing  upon  them.  It  is  this  ear- 
lier unwillingness  to  watch  and  count  the  years 
as  they  go  by  that  has  led  to  the  giving  up  of 
birthday  celebrations  in  the  presence  of  one's 
acquaintances  during  that  active  interval  which 
comes  in  between  youth  and  old  age. 

Even  a  remembrance  of  this  anniversary  in 
one's  own  household  is  oftenest  recalled  only  by 
"  a  gift  without  words,"  rather  than  by  a  spoken 
congratulation. 


XV. 


MARRIAGE    ANNIVERSARIES. 

A  noticeable  entertainment  upon  each  an- 
nual return  of  marriage  days  is  a  custom  in  but 
few  of  our  best  families.  In  the  limited  circle 
of  the  fireside,  however,  the  day  is  usually 
marked  by  expressions  of  good-will,  and  the 
bestowal  of  gifts  between  husband  and  wife,  and 
also  from  children  and  their  parents ;  but  this  is 
all. 

After  the  passing  of  a  certain  number  of 
years,  which  are  marked  off  into  epochs  by  sev- 
eral distinguishing  but  fanciful  names,  many  of 
our  households  celebrate  the  anniversaries  of 
their  marriage  by  extended  hospitalities.  Of 
course,  elderly  people  feel  and  manifest  their 
joy  by  graver  or  more  dignified  formalities  in 
their  entertainments  than  is  expected  of  younger 
husbands  and  wives,  the  latter  often  providing 
merriment  of  a  fanciful  kind.     Not  that  any  of 


164  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

these  anniversaries  are  emphasized  in  our  high- 
er circles  "upon  the  contribution  plan,"  as  a 
cynical  writer  upon  our  social  customs  has  most 
aptly  styled  that  sort  of  hospitality  which  inti- 
mates by  the  form  of  its  invitations  that  presents 
are  expected.  To  offer  a  souvenir  to  a  bride  is  a 
pleasant  method  of  expressing  to  her  our  good 
wishes,  but  to  contribute  to  the  sustainment  of 
her  after  house-furnishing  is  quite  another  affair. 
As  a  custom,  begging  is  unknown  to  the  superior 
entertainers  of  New  York. 

The  marriage  anniversary  which  falls  after 
five  years  is  sometimes  called  "  a  wooden  wed- 
ding ;  "  after  ten  years,  it  is  mentioned  as  "  tin ; " 
after  twenty,  it  is  "  crystal ;  "  at  twenty-five,  it  is 
11  silver;  "  at  fifty,  it  is  a  "  golden  anniversary;  " 
and  at  sixty,  the  "  diamond  wedding  "  occurs. 

Those  who  have  lived  together  in  contented 
wedlock  twenty-five  years  are  usually  glad 
enough  to  express  their  happiness  in  some  em- 
phatic manner,  and  also  to  beg  the  recognition 
of  this  event  by  their  friends  and  acquaintances. 

Our  most  self-respecting  households  who  de- 
sire to  celebrate  B   return  of  their  wedding-day 


MARRIAGE  ANNIVERSARIES.  165 

are  compelled,  through  their  delicacy  of  feeling, 
to  relinquish  a  general  gala  entertainment,  or 
else  to  make  an  announcement  upon  their  cards 
of  invitation  of  their  private  sentiments  in  the 
matter  of  a  miscellaneous  gift-making.  Just 
now  we  are  passing  through  an  unpleasant  social 
transition,  and  we  hope  soon  to  have  attained  a 
higher  civilization  in  this  particular ;  these  ap- 
parently compulsory  contributions  upon  certain 
occasions,  either  glad  or  sorrowful,  will  have 
fallen  into  disuse. 

It  is  no  more  agreeable  to  the  entertainer  to 
be  compelled,  in  self-defense,  to  direct  that  "  no 
gifts  received  "  be  engraved  upon  cards  of  invi- 
tation to  a  party  than  it  is  to  add  R.  S.  V.  P., 
which  four  consonants  unpleasantly  suggest  that 
there  may  be  a  lack  of  familiarity  with  polite 
usages  on  the  part  of  those  who  are  bidden  to 
an  entertainment.  Without  doubt  we  shall  soon 
pass  the  "  donation  period  "  in  our  social  cus- 
toms, and  a  gift  will  become  what  it  really  should 
be,  significant  of  something  superior  to  a  mean- 
ingless habit. 

Of  course,  very  near   kinspeople    and   very 


166  SOCIAL   ETIQUETTE. 

dear  old  friends  will  take  the  liberty  sometimes 
of  disregarding  the  engraved  injunction,  just  as 
such  valued  individuals  indulge  themselves  in 
familiarities  with  the  rules  that  usually  govern 
one's  private  social  affairs.  But  if  remoter  rela- 
tives or  mere  society  acquaintances  send  a  gift 
other  than  flowers  or  a  book,  after  being  re- 
quested to  restrict  their  generosity,  they  need 
not  be  surprised  if  the  act  be  considered  an 
impertinence,  and  resented  accordingly.  The 
value  of  a  gift  has  come  to  be  measured,  by  per- 
sons of  delicacy,  by  the  motive  which  prompted 
its  bestowal,  and  there  is  a  decidedly  serious 
effort  being  made  by  our  refined  and  influential 
leaders  of  society  to  escape  from  an  unpleasant- 
ness that  may  be  suffered  equally  by  the  giver 
and  the  receiver  of  formal  presents. 

People  of  superior  breeding  regard  anniver- 
sary contributions  to  their  household  effects  with 
distress,  if  not  with  aversion,  and  such  gifts,  if 
not  presented  by  those  who  possess  a  natural 
right  to  make  such  bestowals,  are  likely  to  be 
returned  to  their  donors. 

When  this   custom   of  self-respecting   indc- 


MARRIAGE  ANNIVERSARIES.  \i\; 

pendencc  of  material  favors  is  fully  established 
in  our  higher  circles,  society  will  be  pitched  at 

least  an  octave  above  its  late  key-note.  Indeed, 
there  are  not  a  few  married  people  who  refrain 
from  asking  their  friends  and  aequaintances  to 
participate  in  their  rejoicing  upon  anniversary 
days,  through  fear  of  being  considered  willing  to 
receive  gifts  from  those  whom  they  desire  only 
to  be  merry  with.  Doubtless  it  is  for  this  reason 
that  fashion  has  frowned  upon  the  grotesquerie 
of  cards  of  wood,  tin,  etc.,  which  were  popular 
only  a  lew  years  since  as  notifications  to  a  guest 
of  the  occasion  which  suggested  a  festivity. 

The  prevailing  style  of  cards  of  invitation  to 
an  anniversary  party  or  reception  is  just  the 
same  as  to  any  ordinary  entertainment.  A  wed- 
ding-bell, or  a  horseshoe  of  white  flowers,  with 
the  date  of  the  marriage  wrought  into  it  with 
colored  blossoms,  or  a  bride's  loaf  dated  by  con- 
fections, and  placed  upon  a  separate  table  of 
honor,  informs  the  guests  of  the  reason  for  re- 
joicing, after  their  arrival,  when  congratulations 
follow  as  a  matter  of  course. 

When  a  quarter  of  a  century  of  married  life  is 


168  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

to  be  celebrated,  it  is  customary  to  mention  the 
fact  upon  the  cards,  and  the  much-needed  infor- 
mation, no  gifts  received,  is  placed  in  the  left-hand 
lower  corner.  The  formula  of  the  invitation  is 
in  the  following  style,  clearly  engraved  in  script: 

MR.    AND    MRS.    JOHN    WINTHROP 

request  the  pleasure  of  your  presence 

on  Monday  evenings  January  ninths  at  eight  o'clock, 

to  celeb7-ate  the 

twenty-fifth  anniversary  of  their  marriage. 

No.  22  Adams  Street. 
No  gifts  received. 

In  responding  to  this  invitation,  either  to 
accept  or  decline  the  hospitable  civility,  cour- 
teous congratulations  are  added  in  any  graceful 
style  which  an  acquaintance  with  the  givers  of 
the  entertainment  may  suggest.  A  too  familiar 
and  over-cordial  note  of  response  is  almost  as 
offensive  as  one  which  expresses  no  interest  at 
all  in  the  parties,  who  have  been  wedded  com- 
panions through  so  many  years.  There  is  a 
happy  medium  to  the  formalities  of  even  kindly 
wishes.     It   is  not  unnatural  to  suspect  an  ac- 


MARRIAGE  ANNIVERSARIES.  1G9 

quaintance  of  insincerity  when  excesses  of  lan- 
guage are  used  in  society  matters. 

When  such  an  impressive  anniversary  has 
arrived,  it  is  customary  for  the  host  and  hostess 
to  secure  as  many  guests  as  possible  from  among 
those  who  were  present  at  their  wedding.  The 
clergyman  who  performed  the  ceremony  is  bid- 
den, and,  if  possible,  the  wedding-garments  are 
again  worn  upon  the  occasion.  The  clergyman 
returns  thanks  for  the  prolonged  life  of  the  pair, 
and  such  other  interesting  formalities  are  added 
as  will  make  the  occasion  impressive,  without 
being  oppressive. 

After  the  clergyman  has  completed  his  part 
of  the  ceremony  (provided  his  presence  has  been 
secured),  the  near  kinspeople  offer  congratula- 
tions first,  when  other  guests  follow  after  the 
manner  of  a  wedding  reception.  When  a  formal 
supper  is  provided,  the  host  and  hostess  lead 
together  upon  this  peculiar  occasion,  and  the 
guests  follow  in  convenient  order,  as  at  an  ordi- 
nary party. 

If  the  supper  be  arranged  in  buffet  style,  the 
bride  and  groom  retain  their   positions  during 


170  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

the  entire  evening,  except  there  be  dancing, 
when  they  frequently  lead  the  first  set,  which  is 
usually  a  cotillon  upon  such  anniversaries.  The 
guests  seek  the  buffet  or  table  for  refreshments 
whenever  it  suits  their  pleasure,  and  take  leave 
before  midnight,  after  having  expressed  parting 
wishes  for  many  more  years  of  health  and  glad- 
ness to  their  entertainers.  After-calls  of  formal- 
ity are  expected  as  a  matter  of  course. 

There  are  many  beautiful  and  suggestive 
decorations  possible  upon  such  an  occasion. 
Sometimes  all  the  floral  ornaments  in  the  house 
are  fully-blossoming  roses  and  ivy,  or  rich  foli- 
age and  no  bloom.  Among  the  loveliest  and 
most  suggestive  of  house  decorations  for  a 
golden  wedding  anniversary  are  groups  of  palms 
and  gracefully  drooping  heads  of  wheat,  tied  up 
in  small  sheaves.  Garlands  of  laurel  and  au- 
tumnal foliage  are  also  both  charming  and 
pleasantly  significant  of  the  afternoon  of  a 
happy  life 


XVI. 

EXTENDED    VISITS. 

We  are  becoming  a  hospitable  people,  but  we 
cannot,  if  we  would,  model  our  customs  after 
that  most  generous  of  hosts,  an  Englishman. 
He  entertains  almost  entirely  in  the  country,  but 
we  usually  extend  our  courtesies  to  distant  friends 
while  we  are  staying  in  town.  The  formalities 
of  invitations,  and  their  prompt  acceptance  or 
rejection,  are  the  same  in  both  countries,  and 
they  involve  the  same  obligations  on  both  guest 
and  host.  It  is  the  duty  of  the  first  to  appreciate 
every  effort  to  entertain  them,  and  equally  the 
duty  as  it  is  the  pleasure  of  the  host  and  hostess 
to  contribute  comfort  at  home  and  amusement 
both  in  and  out  of  the  house.  To  fix  rules  for 
the  methods  by  which  hospitalities  are  made  both 
sacred  and  beautiful  is  impossible  so  long  as  cir- 
cumstances and  fortunes  differ.  Some  people 
never  recognize  the  obligation  which  should  com- 


172  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

pel  them  to  entertain.  Indeed,  the  plains  of  me- 
diocrity are  fertile  in  the  production  of  individ- 
uals who  never  do  anything  for  which  they  have 
not  an  unquestionable  and  easily  recognizable 
precedent,  but  who,  through  indolence  or  a  self- 
ish unwillingness  to  sacrifice  their  own  wishes 
for  the  sake  of  their  guests,  make  social  inter- 
course in  their  households  a  burden  instead  of  a 
pleasure  to  their  visitors.  Of  this  class  the  num- 
ber is  so  great  that  society  does  not  know  just 
what  to  do  with  them. 

To  be  a  charming  hostess  requires  all  the  best 
qualities  of  the  legendary  angel,  combined  with 
the  fascinating  wisdom  of  the  arch-enemy.  A 
morbid  devotion  to  truthfulness  in  word,  deed, 
and  countenance  is  impossible  to  the  cordial  or 
even  the  courteous  hostess.  She  is  compelled 
by  the  sacredness  of  her  position  "  to  smile  though 
china  fall,"  which  virtuous  attainment,  by  the 
way,  is  the  result  not  only  of  an  intense  longing 
but  of  confidently  expecting  to  be  an  angel.     Es- 

ially  is  this   true  of  the  prevailing  devotee  to 

l  fragile  god,  Keramos. 

We  have  been  directed  to  turn  the  other  cheek 


EXTENDED    VISITS.  17:j 

for  a  blow,  when  one  of  them  has  been  spitefully 
smitten,  and  it  is  fortunate  for  some  of  us  that 
this  command  did  not  read,  "  If  one  tassebe  ruth- 
lessly crushed  by  the  reckless  fiends  of  the  china- 
closet,  demand  that  the  theiere  be  broken  also." 
One  would  mend  itself  in  the  event  of  its  being 
cruelly  treated,  but  the  other  one,  helas  ! 

The  indifferent  housekeeper  can  never  become 
the  perfect  hostess  because,  lightly  as  we  may 
hold  the  material  comforts  of  life,  when  we  weigh 
them  against  the  nobler  quality  of  being  loyal  to 
all  the  virtues  of  heart,  soul,  and  intellect,  the 
smooth,  noiseless  running  of  the  domestic  ma- 
chinery does  carry  the  guest  from  his  welcome  to 
his  adieus  as  if  "  flowery  beds  of  roses  "  were  the 
couches  which  had  upheld  and  rested  him.  The 
grinding  which  is  felt  by  the  jerky  march  of  ir- 
regular hours,  incapable  services,  and  food  pre- 
pared in  an  inferior  manner  would  wrench  from 
the  most  tenacious  memory  the  charm  of  a  cordial 
welcome  given  by  the  sweetest  of  souls.  There  are 
women  who  really  possess  the  trained  capability 
of  ruling  their  homes  with  the  perfection  of  intel- 
ligent authority,   and   yet  who  throw  down  the 


174  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

scepter  because  their  less  accomplished  acquaint- 
ances are  unable  to  wield  one  of  similar  power. 
They  intend  to  wear  their  virtues  and  acquirements 
lightly  in  order  not  to  be  too  hard  on  their  less 
competent  sisters  ;  this,  at  least,  is  the  indirect  and 
mischievous  but  most  amiable  confession  which 
their  household  negligence  implies. 

Besides  the  regular  domestic  drilling,  which 
can  only  be  performed  by  the  highest  officer,  an 
esprit  de  corps  should  be  infused  into  the  family 
troop,  and  then  kept  up  by  an  unflagging  and 
unflinching  discipline.  This  formality  of  expres- 
sion, doubtless,  appears  to  be  severe,  but  its  sen- 
timent, when  put  into  practice,  is  the  very  kind- 
est. The  most  rigid  of  military  disciplinarians 
have  always  been  the  most  beloved  and  revered 
the  world  over,  as  history  clearly  proves,  and  the 
strictest  of  commanders  and  regulators  in  domes- 
tic services  secure  the  most  devotedly  attached 
and  permanent  employees. 

As  a  rule,  the  lady  who  has  inherited  large  es- 
tablishments and  large  fortunes  through  several 
succeeding  generations  is  the  finest  of housekeep- 

.  and  the  most  capable  of  disciplinarians  in  the 


EXTENDED    VISITS.  175 

management  of  her  own  home.  The  housekeeper 
who  supposes  that  to  be  indifferent  about  excess- 
es in  expenditures  is  a  proof  of  refined  elegance 
and  superior  breeding,  is  altogether  mistaken. 
She  never  convinces  any  one  that  her  ancestry 
as  well  as  herself  have  been  rich  so  long  that 
familiarity  with  fortune  has  bred  contempt.  If 
she  has  fostered  such  an  idea,  it  is  just  as  well  to 
relinquish  it  at  once,  because  she  is  wofully  mis- 
taken in  her  opinion.  To  be  ostentatious  is  a 
positive  proof  of  vulgarity,  and  foolish  lavishness 
stands  as  an  undoubted  witness  to  the  fact  that 
an  abundant  possession  is  a  recent  acquirement. 
Only  those  who  have  been  made  intimate  with 
good  fortune  through  a  prolonged  familiarity,  or 
by  a  supernatural  development  of  good  sense,  are 
capable  of  fully  appreciating  its  real  value  and 
its  great  power,  and  are  able  to  apply  it  accord- 
ingly. 

There  are,  unfortunately,  too  many  women  in 
America  whose  fathers  or  husbands  have  made 
immense  sums  of  money  in  disreputable  varieties 
of  commerce,  and  they  naturally  feel  as  if  they 

had    difficult   positions    to   maintain;    therefore 
12 


176  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

they  endeavor  to  veil  unpleasant  facts  by  a 
glamour  of  pomp  and  an  imposing  parade  of  in- 
difference to  the  cost  of  their  luxuries. 

Extravagant  outlays  of  money,  of  time,  or  of 
hospitalities  really  never  delude  even  those  who 
benefit  by  the  golden  shower — never.  Their  mo- 
tive or  their  silliness  are  always  perfectly  compre- 
hended, although  the  interpretation  may  never 
find  itself  spoken  or  written  in  words.  The  best 
of  us  do  not  eat  the  salt  of  another  and  then 
publicly  quarrel  with  its  savor — of  course  not ; 
but  the  facts  are  too  bald  not  to  be  fully  under- 
stood for  all  that. 

The  superior  hostess  does  not  make  her  house 
a  spectacle.  She  thoughtfully  infuses  into  her 
hospitalities  the  charm  of  comfort  and  purity,  the 
sweetness  of  friendship,  the  sacredness  of  the  re- 
lation between  the  entertainer  and  the  enter- 
tained ;  and  between  herself  and  even  the  hum- 
blest of  her  guests  there  is  a  recognizable  tie 
which  is  as  dissimilar  to  that  which  fastens  her  in- 
terest to  another  guest  as  its  variation  is  charming. 
As  each  individual  is  surrounded  by  a  characteris- 
ing atmosphere,  both  social  and  mental,  the  sue- 


EXTENDED    VISITS.  177 

cessful  hostess  depends  almost  entirely  upon  dis- 
covering the  peculiarities  of  each  guest ;  and  while 
she  is  blending  them  into  an  agreeable  harmony, 
she  is  careful  not  to  permit  the  distinguishing 
elements  to  be  either  lost  or  even  forgotten  in  the 
general  combination  of  individualities.  The 
hostess  should  not  be  a  leader  but  a  promoter  of 
attractive  differences,  which,  like  the  various  parts 
of  music,  make  harmony  by  the  union  of  their 
variations. 

The  silent  person  may  be  an  artist  in  song, 
painting,  or  sculpture.  The  pleasant  conversa- 
tionist may  possess  no  other  accomplishment  than 
that  of  saying  agreeable  things  in  an  attractive 
manner,  and  the  pretty  woman  may  have  no 
other  gift  than  the  really  great  blessing  of  beauty. 
A  happy  hostess  is  she  who  entertains  for  the 
sake  of  giving  rather  than  of  expecting  to  receive 
pleasure.  She  has  eyes  and  ears  for  every  person 
in  her  house,  and  she  is  deaf  and  blind  to  every 
one  at  the  same  time.  She  is  a  discoverer  of 
personal  attractions  in  her  less  brilliant  guests, 
and  she  manages  to  so  deftly  and  delicately  adjust 
these  charms  before  the  eyes  of  her  other  visitors 


178  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

that  each  supposes  that  he  himself  found  them 
all  out  by  intuition.  So  vain  is  the  average  mor- 
tal that  he  will  be  so  profoundly  pleased  at 
his  own  cleverness  of  perception  that  he  will 
forget  to  expect  words  of  wisdom,  or  even  jin- 
gles of  pretty  chatter,  from  lips  that  he  has  per- 
ceived are  shaped  in  the  exact  arches  of  classic 
perfection.  Wit  that  is  not  cruelty,  and  learning 
that  is  not  assuming,  arrogant,  or  aggressive,  is 
always  startled  into  sound  by  a  sweet  keynote  that 
is  touched  by  the  mistress  of  the  house.  She 
touches  this  note  at  a  point  and  during  a  moment 
when  her  guest  is  able  to  shine  with  the  greatest 
brilliancy  and  glow  with  his  finest  effects. 

A  perfect  entertainer  never  confides  her  wor- 
ries or  her  sorrows  to  an  abiding  guest,  much 
less  will  she  mention  them  to  one  whose  visit  is 
to  be  brief  or  is  only  casual.  It  would  be  laying 
a  burden  upon  another  at  a  season  when  the 
sacredness  of  hospitality  should  protect  him 
from  every  unpleasant  thought. 

The   hostess,   in    sending  invitations  to   her 

en  guests,  mentions  the   time  when  she  will 

expect  their  arrival,  and  the  length  of  the  visit, 


EXTEXDED    VISITS.  179 

and  it  must  be  a  most  unequivocally  worded  and 
cordially  pressed  invitation  that  can  induce  a 
guest  to  remain  beyond  the  period  fixed  at  the 
moment  of  the  first  acceptance  of  a  proffered  hos- 
pitality. There  are  not  many  occasions  when  it  is 
agreeable  to  visitors  to  disarrange  first  plans  and 
by  a  longer  stay  confuse  their  further  projects, 
and  it  is  as  cordially  friendly  for  the  entertainer 
to  speed  the  parting  guest  as  it  is  to  heartily 
welcome  the  coming  one. 

At  an  evening  visit  or  entertainment,  if  the 
invited  person  departs  before  the  usual  and  spe- 
cified hour,  he  and  she  should  omit  formal  adieus, 
if  possible,  to  avoid  putting  the  thoughts  of  an 
unusually  early  departure  into  the  minds  of  other 
guests ;  but  if  an  unnoticed  departure  is  impossi- 
ble, the  leave-taking  should  be  quietly  done,  the 
hostess  expressing  her  regret  at  the  early  de- 
parture, but  on  no  account  can  she  request  a 
delay  that  some  necessity  has  demanded.  It 
would  be  as  unkind  as  it  would  be  indelicate  to 
urge  a  guest  to  inconvenience  himself  for  the 
sake  of  keeping  a  crowd  intact  at  a  fashionable 
crush,  or  even  at  a  small  party.     As  was  said  be- 


180  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

fore,  the  fine  spirit  of  hospitality  inspires  one  to 
bestow  pleasure  rather  than  seek  it.  The  hostess 
is  supposed  to  be  the  giver,  and  not  the  receiver 
of  delights ;  and  if  she  feel  a  deep  gratification  in 
entertaining  her  friends,  it  must  always  be  through 
a  reflected  rather  than  a  direct  happiness. 


XVII. 

CUSTOMS  AND  COSTUMES  AT   THEATRES,  CON- 
CERTS, AND  OPERAS. 

Among  the  several  conspiring  causes  which 
make  the  enjoyment  of  an  opera  infrequent,  is 
costume.  If  a  lady  wears  a  full  toilet,  she  must 
ride  in  a  carriage.  If  she  goes  in  visiting  dress, 
she  cannot  properly  occupy  a  box,  even  if  one 
be  placed  at  her  disposal,  because  she  would  ap- 
pear like  an  ugly  weed  in  a  gay  garden  of  bril- 
liant blossoms.  For  the  same  reason  she  cannot 
properly  make  calls  in  the  boxes  during  the  in- 
tervals of  music,  if  she  is  soberly  clad,  and  the 
same  applies  in  part  to  the  gentleman  who  is  in 
matinee  toilet. 

The  new  etiquette  regarding  costume  at  places 
of  public  amusement  began  only  lately  to  shape 
itself  into  a  formality  in  New  York.  It  is  now 
considered  quite  proper  for  a  gentleman  to  at- 
tend an  opera  in  a  matinee  suit,  provided  seats 


182  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

have  been  taken  elsewhere  than  in  a  box,  but  he 
is  limited  in  his  visits  between  the  acts  to  such  of 
his  acquaintances  as  are  also  in  demi-toilet,  un- 
less he  goes  to  the  foyer  to  chat  with  promena- 
ders.  The  latter  pleasure  has  long  been  one  of 
the  agreeable  parts  of  the  entertainment  in  Eu- 
rope, and  the  custom  of  going  out  with  ladies  be- 
tween the  acts  is  rapidly  coming  into  vogue  in 
this  country. 

If  a  gentleman  is  in  full  dress,  he  may  visit 
everywhere  in  the  house,  but  he  will  not  seat 
himself  in  the  orchestra  or  in  the  dress  circle, 
because  his  toilet  will  appear  out  of  harmony  with 
the  soberer  garments  about  him.  He  may  prop- 
erly wear  gloves  when  he  is  not  in  evening  dress, 
as  this  slight  formality  of  attire  is  in  keeping  with 
the  style  of  his  costume.  If  he  wears  a  dress 
coat  and  an  evening  necktie,  it  is  permissible  for 
him  to  appear  without  gloves.  This  fashion  of 
uncovered  hands  originated  among  English  roy- 
alty, and  it  finds  favor  with  many  of  the  leaders 
of  American  society. 

If  a  lady  is  invited  by  a  gentleman  to  at- 
tend  the  opera,  it  is  proper  for  him  to  inquire 


CUSTOMS  AT   THEATRES,  ETC        183 

if  she  prefers  to  occupy  a  box,  or  at  least  to 
state  to  her  what  place  he  proposes  to  offer 
her.  If  she  accepts  a  seat  in  a  box,  it  is  de 
rigueur  that  she  go  unbonneted,  and  at  least 
that  she  wear  a  light  opera  cloak,  even  if  she 
does  not  array  herself  in  full  evening  dress.  If 
she  is  to  be  seated  elsewhere,  she  should  always 
wear  a  bonnet,  which  may  be  as  gay  and  pretty 
as  she  pleases.  It  is  not  considered  a  breach  of 
etiquette  for  a  gentleman  to  escort  ladies  to  the 
opera  by  any  one  of  the  public  conveyances,  pro- 
vided street  toilets  are  worn,  and  a  lady  of  deli- 
cacy or  considerateness,  when  she  accepts  the 
invitation,  will  mention  her  desire  to  go  in  this 
unostentatious  manner,  should  circumstances 
make  it  proper. 

A  very  pretty  New  York  girl — and  her  pret- 
tiness  should  pardon  her  lack  of  musical  apprecia- 
tion— declared  that  if  she  could  choose,  she 
would  far  rather  attend  the  opera  but  just  one 
night  in  a  season,  and  be  beautifully  dressed, 
go  there  in  a  carriage  with  two  liveried  men 
mounted  upon  its  front,  and  sit  in  a  prominent 
box,  than  to  be  present  every  night  plainly  attired 


184  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

and  sit  in  the  orchestra,  provided  even  that  a 
choir  of  angels  were  to  sing  to  her.  I  forgive  the 
pretty  creature.  The  providing  of  costly  appar- 
el is  really  the  largest  expense  and  the  heaviest 
weariness  for  a  lady  whose  fondness  for  good  mu- 
sic is  really  profound  and  sincere,  and  there  are 
not  a  few  among  fortune's  favorites  who  prefer 
the  refined  and  unostentatious  quiet  of  the  less 
dressy  circles,  just  because  their  preparations  for 
the  evening  are  thus  made  so  much  less  tiresome 
and  distracting.  A  lady  can  go  directly  from 
her  own  dinner-table,  bonneted,  wrapped,  and 
gloved,  and  ready  to  luxuriate  in  the  blisses  of 
harmonious  sounds,  unwearied  by  the  coiffeur, 
painfully  pretty  cAaussure,  and  other  unmentiona- 
ble etceteras  of  a  grand  toilet,  which  always  re- 
quire a  patient  endurance  of  care  while  she  is 
being  arrayed,  and  an  equally  distracting  anxiety 
to  maintain  its  elegance.  If  "  eternal  vigilance 
is  the  price  of  liberty,"  it  would  require  a  larger 
mind  than  woman  is  accused  of  possessing  to 
retain  an  unruffled  and  unstained  magnificence, 
and  listen  to  all  the  ravishing  notes  of  the  last 
prima  donna  and  the  rich  tones  of  the  heavenly 


CUSTOMS  AT   THEATRES,  ETC        185 

baritone  at  the  same  time.  This  is  not  written 
as  an  apology  for  plain  attire.  Not  at  all.  It  is 
simply  an  announcement  of  the  customs  of  dress 
which  are  being  molded  and  hardened  by  use 
and  by  public  approval.  No  individual  who 
loves  color,  warmth,  and  beauty,  but  feels  all  the 
more  grateful  to  those  who  add  their  charms  of 
gorgeousness  in  silks,  laces,  velvets,  and  jewels, 
to  the  opera,  because  they  themselves  have  been 
excused  by  circumstances  from  feeling  compelled 
to  lend  their  own  persons  and  possessions  to 
intensify  this  magnificence. 

An  evening  bonnet  and  light  gloves  are  con- 
sidered by  our  best  society  as  the  height  of  dress- 
ing for  a  public  theatre  or  a  concert,  unless  there 
is  some  prearranged  understanding  that  a  wan- 
dering star  in  the  musical  or  dramatic  firmament 
is  to  be  especially  honored,  and  that  a  fine  toilet 
is  to  be  one  of  the  methods  of  expressing  respect- 
ful admiration. 

Gentlemen  need  never  wear  full  dress  unless 
the  ladies  do ;  albeit,  when  no  lady  is  expected 
to  be  in  grand  costume,  a  gentleman  may  select 
whichever  style  of  garment  he  pleases.    The  del- 


186  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

icate  sentiment  which  would  deter  him  from 
going  in  full  dress  to  the  opera  when  the  ladies 
whom  he  accompanies  are  not  so  attired,  need 
not  be  considered  at  a  concert  where  one  lady  is 
rresumably  as  well  costumed  as  another.  There 
are  many  ways  by  which  a  tasteful  lady  will 
brighten  a  sober  garb  without  exhausting  her 
purse  or  worrying  her  mind  and  hands.  She  will 
do  this  in  grateful  appreciation  of  the  lately  ap- 
proved custom  of  going  to  the  opera  and  to  the 
concert-room,  and  even  into  a  proscenium  box  at 
a  theatre,  in  a  pretty  visiting  dress.  She  can  af- 
ford to  enjoy  the  theatre,  good  music,  and  the 
opera  many  more  times  during  the  winter  on 
this  account ;  and  the  gentleman  who  does  not 
feel  compelled  to  escort  a  lady  in  a  carriage  can 
indulge  in  these  luxuries  twice  or  three  times  as 
often  because  of  this  lately  established  eti- 
quette in  matters  of  dress. 


XVIII. 


NEW-YEAR'S-DAY    IN    NEW    YORK. 


A  general  and  cordial  reception  of  gentle- 
men guests  upon  the  first  day  of  the  year,  by  the 
ladies  of  almost  every  household,  also  by  clergy- 
men, and  by  gentlemen  upon  the  first  New-Years'- 
Day  after  marriage,  is  a  Knickerbocker  custom 
which  prevailed  in  New  York,  with  scarce  any 
innovations,  until  within  the  last  ten  years.  It 
was  once  a  day  when  all  gentlemen  offered  con- 
gratulations to  each  of  their  lady  acquaintances, 
and  even  employes  of  a  gentleman  were  permitted 
to  pay  their  respects,  and  to  eat  and  drink  with 
the  ladies  of  his  household.  Hospitalities  were 
then  lavishly  offered  and  as  lavishly  received. 

This  custom  began  when  the  city  was  small, 
but  it  has  now  quite  outgrown  those  possibilities 
which  the  original  usages  of  the  day  could  com- 
pass without  difficulty.  Beside,  there  came  a 
time   when   this    excessive   social   freedom   was 


188  SOCIAL   ETIQUETTE. 

proportionate  to  our  over-large  political  liberties, 
therefore,  our  hospitalities  were  narrowed  down 
to  a  lady's  own  circle  of  acquaintances.  Even 
this  boundary  in  many  instances  widened  to  so 
extended  a  circumference  that  not  a  few  of  our 
kindliest  and  most  hospitable  of  ladies  have 
been  compelled  either  to  close  their  doors  upon 
this  day  of  hand-shaking,  eating,  and  drinking, 
or  else  to  issue  cards  of  welcome  to  as  many  of 
their  gentlemen  acquaintances  as  they  can  enter- 
tain in  a  single  day. 

Not  many  ladies  in  New  York  are,  however, 
placed  upon  such  heights  of  popularity  as  to 
make  this  limitation  a  genuine  necessity,  and 
others  may  choose  to  receive  congratulations 
upon  New-Year's-Day  only  from  relatives  and 
intimate  friends.  Some  ladies  who  are  unable 
to  endure  the  fatigue  of  an  all-day  reception,  or 
who  have  other  engagements,  also  issue  cards  to 
their  gentlemen  friends,  with  the  hours  which 
will  be  given  to  hospitality  on  New-Year's-Pay 

rayed  or  written  upon  them. 

lies  who  receive  in  a  genera]  way  whoever 
choose  to  call  upon  them  are  now  almost  certain 


NE  W-  YEAR 'S-DA  Y  IN  KE  W  YORK.     1  >f) 

that  the  old-time  crowds  which  thronged  all 
open  doors  a  decade  ago  will  no  longer  intrude 
upon  those  from  whom  they  are  uncertain  even 
of  a  recognition.  "  A  man's  a  man  for  a*  that  " 
was  the  sentiment  which  once  prevailed  in  New 
York  at  New-Year's  time ;  but,  to  be  considered 
a  man  of  to-day,  he  must  be  well-bred  and  un- 
obtrusive, even  during  this  gala  season.  Indeed, 
he  must  be  a  gentleman.  Besides  that,  he  must 
have  received  some  unmistakable  intimation 
that  his  congratulatory  visit  at  this  time  will  be 
agreeable  to  the  ladies  of  a  household,  before  he 
ventures  upon  a  visit.  He  may  be  assured  of  a 
welcome  by  the  fact  that  the  ladies  of  his  own 
household  interchange  civilities  with  the  family 
whose  name  he  places  upon  his  visiting-list.  He 
may  also  know  it  by  an  unmistakable  gracious- 
ness  on  the  part  of  the  lady  or  ladies  when  he 
has  met  them  in  society. 

There  are  many  ways  of  understanding  these 
things,  but  a  stranger  in  New  York  now  no 
longer  waits  for  this  single  blessed  day  as  the 
one  that  is  certain  to  see  doors  open  to  him, 
which,   uninvited,  he    desires   to   er.ter.      If  he 


190  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

should  depend  upon  the  old  Knickerbocker 
privilege  of  a  universal  welcome  at  New- Year's, 
more  than  likely  he  will  not  fail  of  his  anticipa- 
tions, but  he  need  not  be  surprised  if  his  host- 
esses consider  him  again  a  stranger  the  moment 
he  has  left  them. 

Those  who  entertain  elaborately  upon  New- 
Year's-Day  sometimes  send  out  cards  of  invita- 
tion in  the  name  of  the  hostess.  They  are  hand- 
somely engraved,  and  inclosed  in  a  single  enve- 
lope. If  a  daughter  or  daughters  receive  with 
her,  Miss  Blank  or  Misses  Blank  is  engraved  be- 
neath her  own  name.  If  other  ladies  than  her 
daughters  also  receive  with  her,  their  visiting- 
card  may  be  inclosed  in  the  same  envelope  with 
the  hostess's  invitation.  Should  the  lady-guest 
invite  her  own  personal  friends  to  meet  her  at 
the  residence  of  her  hostess  for  this  day,  she 
writes  the  number  of  the  residence  where  she  is 
to  receive  on  New- Year's  upon  her  own  card, 
adding  the  receiving  hours  in  ink,  and  she  in- 
closes the  visiting-card  of  her  hostess. 

The  invitation  of  the  hostess  is  engraved  in 
the  following  form: 


NEW-YEAR'S-DAY  IN  NEW  YORK,     191 

MRS.    CASHILL    LEROY, 
AT   HOME, 

January  first,  from  one  until  ten  o'clock. 

No.  75  Great  Thomas  Street. 

The  hostess  and  other  ladies  are  in  full 
toilets,  and  the  house  is  lighted  as  if  -it  were 
evening.  A  table  is  spread,  as  if  for  an  ordinary- 
reception  or  party,  in  the  back  parlor  or  dining- 
room.  A  servant  opens  the  street-door  without 
waiting  for  the  sound  of  the  bell.  The  gentle- 
men leave  their  cards  in  the  hall.  They  enter 
the  drawing-room  with  hat  in  hand,  or  they  may 
leave  it  in  the  hall  with  overcoat  and  cane.  If 
their  visits  are  made  without  a  carriage,  this  dis- 
position of  their  outer  garment  is  usually  a  ne- 
cessary safeguard  to  health.  Ladies  in  full  cos- 
tume require  the  atmosphere  of  their  drawing- 
rooms  to  be  kept  at  heights  which  are  intolerable 
to  visitors  wearing  heavy  outer  coats. 

Ladies  rise  to  receive  their  guests ;  but  if  the 

apartment  be  not  crowded  it  is  not  improper  to 

be  seated.     The  hostess  offers  her  hand  to  her 

guest  when  he  enters,  and,  after  an  interchange 

of  friendly  wishes,  he  is  presented  to  her  lady- 
13 


192  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

friends,  to  whom  he  bows  and  wishes  a  happy 
year ;  but  it  is  not  expected  that  the  young  or 
unfamiliar  ladies  will  extend  their  hands  to  him. 
If  the  visitor  has  been  invited  by  a  guest  of  the 
hostess,  the  latter  meets  him  with  the  same  cor- 
diality as  if  he  were  her  own  friend.  The  sa- 
credness  of  hospitality  demands  this  from  her, 
both  for  her  own  and  her  friend's  sake,  no  mat- 
ter how  indifferent  she  may  be  to  the  caller. 

When  the  sentiments  usual  to  the  season  have 
been  expressed,  a  servant  offers  him  coffee  or 
other  refreshments,  provided  the  rooms  be  not 
crowded,  in  which  case  he  may  seek  the  table 
without  invitation  if  he  desires  food.  Perhaps 
one  of  the  lady  entertainers,  who  wishes  to  be 
especially  attentive,  may  accompany  him  to  the 
feasting-room,  even  if  she  be  obliged  to  return 
to  her  place  directly  to  receive  other  incoming 
guests.  A  servant  will  supply  his  wants ;  but, 
whether  he  eats  or  declines  refreshment,  his  visit 
must  be  very  brief,  not  to  exceed  five  or  ten 
minul  Three    minutes    is    the    utmost    limit 

some  of  our  fashionable  gentlemen  allow  them- 
es at  one  residence.     If  he  has  visited  the 


NE W- YEAR 'S-DA  Y  IN  NEW  YORK.     1 93 

refreshment-room,  he  may  retire  from  the  house 
without  interrupting  his  hostess,  provided  she  be 
occupied  with  later  visitors.  In  any  event,  even 
if  she  be  not  very  deeply  engrossed,  he  need 
only  bow  to  each  lady  as  he  passes  out  from 
their  presence. 

The  lady  who  receives  her  New-Year's  callers 
less  formally  may  write,  "  January  i  "  upon  her 
visiting-card,  and  send  it  to  such  of  her  gentle- 
men acquaintances  as  she  may  like  to  see  upon 
the  first  day  of  the  year.  If  she  thus  intimates 
her  desire  for  visitors,  she  must  provide  some 
refreshment  to  offer  to  them ;  but  it  need  not  be 
an  elaborate  entertainment.  She  may  wear  a 
visiting  costume  with  light  gloves,  but  she  need 
not  turn  on  the  gas,  because  informal  receptions 
are  held  in  daylight.  If  she  does  not  mention 
upon  her  card  the  hours  for  receiving,  it  is  eti- 
quette for  a  gentleman  to  call  at  any  time  be- 
tween twelve  m.  and  ten  o'clock  in  the  even- 
ing. 

The  formalities  between  hostess  and  guest 
are  the  same  as  if  the  reception  were  held 
in  grand  toilet.     The  lady  who  does  not  issue 


194  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

cards,  but  graciously  receives  whatever  gentle- 
men acquaintances  choose  to  visit  her  upon  this 
day,  appears  as  she  would  upon  any  "  at  home  " 
afternoon  in  the  year.  She  dresses  in  visiting 
toilette,  wears  light  gloves,  and  she  may,  or  she 
may  not,  have  provided  a  table  of  refreshments 
for  her  uninvited,  but  still  most  welcome  guests. 
She  is  ready  to  receive  by  twelve  o'clock,  unless 
she  intends  to  decline  visitors  altogether,  when 
she  usually  suspends  a  basket  from  the  door- 
handle as  a  receptacle  for  the  cards  of  those 
who  would  gladly  have  paid  their  respects  to  her 
during  this  initial  day  of  the  new  year. 

Many  gentlemen  in  New  York  who  cannot 
visit  at  this  time  inclose  their  visiting-cards  in 
envelopes,  and  send  them  by  messengers  to  their 
lady  friends  on  the  morning  of  New- Year's,  or 
by  post  the  day  before.  Others  drive  from  door 
to  door  and  leave  their  cards  in  person,  the 
right-hand  side  being  folded  over  to  assure  their 
lady  acquaintances  that  they  did  not  trust  this 
courtesy  to  the  care  of  a  servant.  A  gentleman 
leaves  as  many  cards  as  there  are  ladies  who  are 
old  enough  to  receive  visitors;  and,  if  there  be  a 


NE W-  YEAR 'S-DA  Y  IN  NEW  YORK.    195 

clergyman  or  an  invalid  gentleman  in  the  family, 
he  writes  over  his  own  name  upon  a  separate  card: 

For  Mr.  Samuel  Forbes. 

It  is  a  delicate  politeness  for  a  gentleman  to 
leave  this  token  of  kindly  remembrance  and  re- 
spect for  such  individuals,  even  if  there  are  no 
ladies  in  the  same  house  to  whom  he  owes  a 
similar  civility  upon  New-Year's-Day. 

The  quality,  quantity,  and  costliness  of  the 
table  appointments  and  of  its  supplies  on  New- 
Year's-Day  at  present  fall  far  short  of  our  old- 
fashioned  lavishness.  Things  which  are  delicate 
to  the  taste  and  attractive  to  the  eyes  are  in 
higher  favor  than  more  substantial  food,  and  with 
very  excellent  reason.  A  gentleman  who  spends 
from  six  to  ten  hours  in  paying  flying  visits,  each 
one  as  brief  as  he  can  well  make  it,  cannot  eat 
and  drink  at  each  residence  that  he  enters,  even 
if  he  desires  to  do  so,  which,  of  course,  he  does 
not,  but  the  "  breaking  of  bread  and  the  eating  of 
salt "  in  many  homes,  just  for  the  significance  of 
the  formality,  requires  that  he  partake  lightly  and 
of  light  food  wherever  he  lingers  for  refreshment. 


196  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

Many  gentlemen,  even  among  those  who 
take  wine  ordinarily,  refuse  it  upon  this  day, 
because  they  do  not  like  to  accept  it  at  the  hand 
of  one  lady  and  refuse  it  from  that  of  another 
Again,  many  ladies,  from  whose  daily  tables  the 
glitter  of  wine-glasses  is  never  absent,  do  not 
supply  this  drink  to  their  guests  upon  this  day, 
because  it  is  dangerous  for  their  acquaintances 
to  partake  of  varied  vintages,  the  more  specially 
while  passing  in  and  out  from  over-heated  draw- 
ing-rooms. Delicacies,  coffee,  chocolate,  tea,  and 
bouillon,  are  supplied  in  their  places,  whether  the 
wines  be  withheld  by  kindly  considerateness,  or 
through  conscientious  scruples. 

Gentlemen  should  wear  a  morning  costume 
of  dark  coat  and  vest,  with  lighter  pantaloons, 
when  they  pay  New-Year's  calls.  It  is  not  un- 
common to  see  dress-suits,  but  the  taste  is  ques- 
tionable, dress-suits  never  being  strictly  correct 
until  evening.  Gloves,  while  they  may  be  light 
in  tint,  should  never  be  white.  Medium  tints  in 
scarfs  and  gloves  are  in  taste  upon  these  occa- 
sions. 


XIX. 

FUNERAL    CUSTOMS  AND    SEASONS    OF    MOURNING. 

A  few  years  ago  and  a  portion  of  this  chap- 
ter could  not  have  been  written.  The  etiquette 
which  carried  formal  people  through  the  old 
ordeals  of  bereavement  by  death  was  invariably 
the  same  among  all  classes  of  society  from  one 
end  of  our  land  to  the  other.  The  very  mo- 
notony of  expression  which  grief  felt  compelled 
to  assume,  in  order  to  be  respectable,  was  one  of 
its  least  endurable  qualities.  We  all  knew  that, 
whenever  one  of  our  kinspeople  departed  from 
us,  there  were  just  such  and  such  processes  of 
systematic  attentions  to  be  performed  over  his 
remains,  and  just  such  quality  and  quantity  of 
solemnity  was  to  be  thrown  about  the  conduct 
of  our  lives  for  a  certain  length  of  time.  It  was 
all  settled  by  custom. 

We  knew  that  whatever  agony  we  suffered, 
much  of  our  distress  must  be  endured  in  the 


198  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

presence  of  auditors,  and  that  all  the  offices  of 
kindliness  which  it  was  possible  to  bestow  upon 
the  beloved  dead  must  be  performed  by  the 
hands  of  neighbors  or  hirelings.  Among  such 
liberties  as  are  enumerated  with  thankful  pride, 
the  freedom  of  mourning  for  our  dead,  and  of 
caring  for  their  inanimate  forms  according  to 
the  suggestions  of  our  affection,  could  not  be 
counted. 

A  transformation  in  funeral  services  came 
about,  but  just  how  it  happened  nobody  knows. 
There  is  at  present  really  no  strict  etiquette  for 
the  conduct  of  burials  in  New  York.  Of  course 
the  religious  services  performed  over  the  dead 
are  more  or  less  under  the  influence  of  the 
Church  to  which  the  officiating  clergyman  be- 
longs, but  the  usages  of  burial  are  no  longer 
guided  and  controlled  by  any  fixed  set  of  regu- 
lations. 

The  arranging  and  composing  of  the  person 
of  the  departed  has  ceased  to  be  a  stereotyped 
crossing  of  the  palms  upon  the  breast  and  a  rigid 
upturning  of  the  face.  Natural  and  easy  posi- 
tions of  the  hands,  with  the  features   in   partial 


FUNERAL   CUSTOMS,   ETC.  19Q 

profile,  have  become  customary  and  more  agree- 
able. The  clothing  is  almost  always  the  same 
as  that  worn  in  life.  For  the  young,  festal  cos- 
tumes are  often  selected ;  and  happily  the  ap- 
palling shroud  and  winding-sheet  belong  to  the 
dreary  legends  of  the  past. 

It  is  not  uncommon  for  the  soulless  body  to 
be  neatly  attired,  as  if  it  were  a  semi-invalid 
who  had  fallen  asleep  upon  a  sofa.  It  is  ten- 
derly pillowed  and  luxuriously  draped.  Friends 
take  their  last  look  upon  the  quiet  face,  and 
there  is  at  least  one  throb  of  pain  the  less  be- 
cause of  the  absence  of  a  coffin. 

The  apartment  is  often  made  to  wear  a 
cheery  aspect  by  the  presence  of  bright  and 
sweet  flowers,  which  are  chosen  and  arranged 
with  a  taste  from  which  ostentatious  lavishness 
is  excluded.  Pallid  blossoms  are  not  chosen  by 
all  who  have  been  bereaved.  Religious  services 
are  frequently  performed  while  the  deceased  is 
still  lying  uncorfined,  and  the  burial  takes  place 
at  any  subsequent  time  which  is  convenient  to 
the  survivors.  This  satisfactory  arrangement 
has  led  to  less  public  interments,  because  under 


200  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE, 

such  circumstances  none  but  immediate  kins- 
people  follow  the  hearse  to  the  cemetery. 

It  is  not  uncommon  for  only  the  male  rela- 
tions of  the  deceased  to  be  present  at  the  inter- 
ment, but  etiquette  fixes  no  rule  for  these  things. 
Individual  inclination  determines  the  form  of 
such  sad  offices. 

So  lavish  have  been  the  offerings  of  Mowers 
that  were  wrought  into  unnatural  forms,  and 
dedicated  by  their  letterings  to  absurd  uses,  that 
many  families  beg,  through  a  public  card  which 
accompanies  the  funeral  notice,  that  no  friends 
will  contribute  flowers.  Not  that  they  are  ban- 
ished utterly,  but  they  are  delicately  selected, 
and  a  sentiment  of  reserve  rather  than  ostenta- 
tion is  expressed  by  their  selection  and  arrange- 
ment. 

Sometimes  a  tiny  sheaf  of  ripened  wheat  is 
laid  with  a  palm  branch  upon  the  coffin,  or  by 
the  side  of  the  venerable  dead.  A  wreath  of 
bay-leaves  is  chosen  for  the  one  whose  loss  i*  a 
public  calamity;  white  lilies  and  willow  branches, 
or  a  garland  of  poppies,  for  the  long-suffering, 
are  satisfying  ;  but  pillows  of  wire-fettered  carna- 


FUNERAL   CUSTOMS,   ETC.  201 

tions  and  harps  of  rosebuds  are  becoming  less 
and  less  attractive  to  individuals  of  refined  taste. 
These  costly  and  ungraceful  contributions,  with 
the  cards  of  their  donors  attached,  for  news- 
gatherers  to  copy  and  to  publish,  are  not  among 
the  refined  accessories  of  a  funeral  among  our 
superior  people. 

A  bunch  of  fragrant  blossoms  upon  the  bo- 
som of  the  dead,  flowers  selected  with  an  appro- 
priateness to  the  circumstances,  age,  or  senti- 
ments of  the  soulless  sleeper,  are  always  an 
agreeable  and  suggestive  attention ;  but  flowers 
tied  into  forms,  or  in  any  excess,  are  no  longer 
considered  refined  or  desirable. 

The  old  custom  of  sitting  by  the  dead,  during 
the  long  solemn  nights  that  come  in  between 
death  and  burial,  has  also  passed  away,  except 
where  the  remains  require  attention.  It  is  a 
sleep  that  needs  no  guarding  under  ordinary 
circumstances. 

For  the  funeral  of  either  a  lady  or  gentleman, 
six  or  eight  friends  are  chosen  from  the  imme- 
diate circle  of  the  deceased,  to  act  as  "  bearers 
of  the  pall,"  provided  the  burial  follows  the  fune- 


202  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

ral.  This  formality  becomes  an  unnecessary 
usage  when  the  burial  is  not  immediate.  These 
bearers  are  furnished  with  black  kid  gloves  to 
wear  at  the  funeral  of  a  gentleman  or  an  elderly 
lady,  but  white  ones  are  usually  worn  when  a 
young  lady  has  departed.  A  scarf  of  black 
crape  or  of  fine  white  linen,  according  to  the 
occasion,  is  tied  about  the  left  arm  or  laid  about 
the  shoulders.  These  gentlemen  sometimes  carry 
the  dead  to  and  from  the  hearse,  but  oftener 
they  only  serve  as  a  guard,  and  stand  with  lifted 
hats  during  the  removal  of  the  dead  by  persons 
who  have  been  detailed  for  this  duty. 

The  family  and  intimate  friends  do  not  take 
leave  of  their  beloved  in  the  presence  of  the 
public,  when  a  funeral  service  is  held  either  at 
the  house  or  in  church.  This  suffering  is  en- 
dured in  private  before  the  arrival  of  those  who 
are  only  acquaintances.  The  family  are  not 
visible  at  the  time  when  formal  religious  rites 
are  being  held,  but  they  are  not  beyond  the 
hearing  of  the  words  of  the  clergyman. 

Sometimes  a  chosen  friend,  and  sometimes  a 
ton,   arranges    the  mournful   programme    that 


FUNERAL   CUSTOMS,   ETC.  203 

begins  a  funeral  and  terminates  at  the  grave, 
thus  sparing  the  wearied  from  unnecessary 
anxiety. 

A  widow  wears  the  plainest  of  crape  and 
bombazine  costume,  with  a  little  cap  border  of 
white  lissty  or  tarletan.  During  three  months 
her  long  veil  is  worn  to  conceal  her  face. 
Afterward,  she  may  wear  a  short  black  tulle  veil, 
with  her  crape  drapery  thrown  backward.  This 
extreme  expression  of  respect,  or  of  mourning, 
must  be  worn  a  full  year,  and  as  much  longer  as 
the  widow  chooses. 

In  France,  the  customary  evidences  of  grief 
are  fixed  and  permanent,  as  were  our  own  fune- 
ral rites  until  very  lately.  This  invariableness 
of  costume  during  times  of  bereavement  con- 
trasts sharply,  and  almost  absurdly,  with  the 
usual  Parisian  caprices  of  dress.  In  New  York 
widows  seldom  dress  in  gay  colors,  and  not  a 
few  of  them  wear  only  black  dresses  as  long  as 
they  live,  or  until  they  are  again  wedded.  This 
constant  costume  is  of  silk,  cashmere,  etc.,  and 
lightened  by  laces,  white  tulle  ruchings,  and 
other  softening  bits  of  gauzy  prettiness. 


204  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

For  a  father,  mother,  and  for  children,  the 
deepest  expression  of  sorrow  that  garments  can 
produce  is  worn  for  one  year  at  least ;  and  after- 
ward circumstances  and  individual  convictions 
determine  how  soon  black  shall  be  lightened  in 
quality  until  it  ceases  to  be  a  mourning  attire. 
For  brothers  and  sisters,  there  are  six  months  of 
crape  and  bombazine,  six  of  cashmere,  unlus- 
tred  silks,  and  grenadines  of  plain  texture ;  and 
afterward  black,  white,  and  gray  are  considered 
appropriate  tints  of  dress  for  another  half  year. 
The  wearing  for  three  months  of  colorless  gar- 
ments is  customary  after  the  decease  of  grand- 
parents, aunts,  and  uncles,  but  crapes  are  not 
usually  selected  after  the  loss  of  these  remoter 
kinspeople. 

Children  wear  mourning  garments  a  year 
when  they  have  lost  a  father,  mother,  brother, 
or  sister ;  but  white  and  black  are  so  combined 
in  their  costumes  that  the  little  ones  are  not  too 
deeply  saddened  by  their  attire. 

(icntlemen's  hats  carry  a  depth  of  weed  that 
is  cut  according  to  the  nearness  of  the  relative 
for  whose  loss  it  is  worn,  and,  except  in  case  of 


FUNERAL   CUSTOMS,   ETC  205 

a  widower,  they  continue  to  dress  in  mourning 
garments  as  long  as  it  is  the  habit  of  their 
households,  leaving  the  period  of  its  use  to  be 
regulated  entirely  by  the  ladies.  A  widower 
should  wear  deep  mourning,  which  includes 
gloves,  necktie,  and  weed,  with  a  costume  of 
black  or  of  very  dark  gray,  for  at  least  one  year. 
Scrupulous  and  formal  gentlemen  wear  black- 
bordered  linen,  and  jet  shirt-studs  and  buttons, 
but  these  persons  are  not  numerous  in  New  York. 
Satisfactory  as  it  would  be  to  announce  that 
limitations  or  fixed  periods,  for  the  wearing  of 
sombre  robes  after  the  loss  of  our  kinspeople, 
had  been  decided  upon  by  any  social  leaders, 
we  have  not  yet  reached  that  point.  The  quality 
of  the  fabrics  which  express  the  utmost  sorrow 
has  been  the  same  for  many  a  year,  and  it  is 
recognized  by  every  lady ;  but  just  how  long  it  is 
to  be  worn  is  undetermined  by  our  authorities 
in  these  matters.  It  is  an  unquestioned  custom 
for  all  who  attend  a  funeral  to  attire  themselves 
in  black  garments  if  possible,  and  certainly  not 
in  gay  ones,  as  a  mark  of  respect  to  the  afflicted 
family. 


206  SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 

The  length  of  lime  to  be  devoted  to  seclusion 
from  society  after  a  funeral  is  another  unfixed 
limit.  Indeed,  in  regard  to  funerals  and  their 
subsequent  and  consequent  appointments,  there 
is  no  rigid  etiquette,  and  this  chapter  is  written 
to  explain  the  freedom  rather  than  the  formality 
of  these  things.  Many  people  entertain  consci- 
entious scruples  which  prevent  the  adoption  of  a 
mourning  garb  under  any  circumstances,  and 
their  convictions  are  respected.  They  insist  that 
no  set  of  sentiments  should  be  expressed  by 
material  things.  Hence  our  chaotic  freedom  in 
these  matters. 

Neither  visiting  nor  a  general  receiving  of 
guests,  formally,  within  a  year  after  the  loss  of  a 
near  relative,  is  considered  in  good  form,  and 
usually  two  years  are  devoted  to  a  more  or  less 
severe  seclusion  from  general  society.  This  re- 
tirement does  not  lessen  the  considerate  atten- 
tions of  friends.  Cards  arc  sent  to  express  sym- 
pathy when  a  death  occurs,  but  only  an  intimate 
friendship  affords  one  permission  to  write  a  note 
of  condolence.  Long,  torturing  letters  of  sympa- 
thy are  fortunately  among  our  obsolete  customs. 


FUNERAL   CUSTOMS,   ETC.  207 

Printed  or  engraved  notes,  or  large  cards, 
heavily  bordered  with  black,  sometimes,  but 
very  rarely,  announce  the  decease  of  a  member 
of  the  family.  They  usually  furnish  the  place 
and  date  of  birth,  the  residence  and  date  of  de- 
cease. Occasionally  a  brief  account  of  the  de- 
parted, with  the  place  and  time  of  funeral,  is 
also  included  in  this  announcement,  which  is 
seldom  sent  to  acquaintances  until  after  the 
burial.  This  British  custom  has  not  as  yet 
gained  a  foothold  in  New  York.  The  daily 
press,  of  course,  announces  the  death  and  date 
of  funeral. 

It  is  proper  to  call  at  the  door  in  person  and 
make  kindly  inquiries  for  the  household,  also  to 
leave  visiting-cards  with  the  left  side  or  left 
lower  corner  folded  over,  as  soon  as  a  death  in 
one's  circle  is  published ;  but  it  is  not  etiquette 
to  ask  to  see  the  afflicted  unless  there  exists  a 
genuine  intimacy  between  the  visitor  and  the 
bereaved. 

THE     END.- 

14 


The  Music  Series. 


The  Great  German  Composers.    By  George 

T.  Ferris.     Paper,  30  cents  j  cloth,  60  cents. 


BACH. 

HANDEL. 

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xtf 


THE    RHYMESTER; 

Or,  THE  RULES  OF  RHYME. 

A.  Guide  to  English  Versification,.     With  a  Dictionary  of 

Jthymes,  an  Examination  of  Classical  Measures, 

and    Comments  upon    l$urlesque,    Comic 

Verse,  and  Hong -Writing. 

By  the  late  TOM    HOOD. 
Edited,  with  Additions,  by  ARTHUR  PENN. 

!8mo,  cloth,  extra.     Uniform  with  "The  Orthoepist"  and  "The 
Verbalist."    Price,  $1.00. 


Three  whole  chapters  have  been  added  to  the  work  by  the  Ameri- 
can editor — one  on  the  sonnet,  one  on  the  rondeau  and  the  ballade^ 
and  a  third  on  other  fixed  forms  of  verse;  while  he  has  dealt  freely 
with  the  English  author's  text,  making  occasional  alterations,  fre- 
quent insertions,  and  revising  the  dictionary  of  rhymes. 

41  Its  chapters  relate  to  matters  of  which  the  vast  majority  of  those 
who  write  verses  are  utterly  ignorant,  and  yet  which  no  poet,  bow- 
ever  brilliant,  should  neglect  to  learn.  Though  rules  can  never  teach 
the  art  of  poetry,  they  may  serve  to  greatly  mitigate  the  evils  of  ordi- 
nary versification.  This  instructive  treatise  contains  a  dictionary 
of  rhymeB,  an  examination  of  classical  measures,  and  comments  on 
various  forms  of  verse-writing.  We  earnestly  commend  this  little 
book  to  all  those  who  have  thoughts  which  can  not  be  expressed  ex- 
cept in  poetic  measures."—  New  York  Observer. 

"If  young  writers  will  only  get  the  book  and  profit  by  its  instruc- 
tions, editors  throughout  the  English-speaking  world  will  unite  in 
thanking  this  author  for  his  considerate  labor."—  New  York  Home 
Journal. 

"This  little  book  was  written  by  the  only  son  of  the  famous 
Thomas  Hood.  He  was  one  of  the  editors  of  London  'Fun.'  He  in- 
herited much  of  his  fathers  literary  vein,  now  delicate,  tender,  and 
fanciful,  now  satiric,  and  anon  bringing  tears  with  its  unutterable 
pathos.    Mr.  Hood  died  in  1874. 

11  The  scope  of  the  little  book  before  us  is  well  defined  in  its  title- 
page,  quoted  above.  The  author  believes  that  systematic  rhyme- 
making  is  a  strong  educational  power,  that  it  will  teach  young  people 
to  pronounce  correct ly,_etc.    The  small,  quaint  volume  will  be  valu- 


able  to  verse-makers.  The  chapters  treat  of  verse  generally,  of  clas- 
sic versification,  of  feet  and  caesura,  meter,  rhythm  and  rhyme,  of 
burlesque  and  comic  verse,  vers  de  societe,  of  song-writing,  of  the 
sonnet,  rondeau,  ballad,  and  other  fixed  forms  of  verse.  Finally, 
most  welcome  to  budding  poetical  genius,  there  is  a  copious  diction- 
ary of  rhymes."— Cincinnati  Commercial. 

"Brery  woman  of  culture  in  the  [Jolted  states  should  not  only 
own,  but  take  to  her  heart  this  guide  to  versification,  for  <v.i  y  \v«  man 
of  culture  is  supposed  to  have  the  knack  of  rhymii  i.  with 

few  exception*,  a  women's  poem  can  be  told  from  a  man1!  by 
it-  disregard  of  the  laws  of  rhythm.     It   i  ellenl  little 

manual,  and  will  save  many  prayers  to  the  Mntee."— PhUadeqinia 
Press.  

i,  hijai/ h<  ntbymai 

I    York:    J).   APPLJ  A:  5   Bond  Btl 


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